Hopelessness 101
Let’s talk about hopelessness.
First, let me say that if I had to guess, you don’t think you suffer from it. And perhaps you don’t. But I like to think of hopelessness as a continuum. On one end (the dark end), you feel despair. On the other end (the lighter end), you feel discouraged.
Discouragement can really get in your way. It usually does this by hanging around on the edge of your life, outside of your conscious knowledge. You may have lots of discouraging beliefs operating right now: you don’t believe your partner can change, to take one example. Or you’ve gone up and down with your weight, and you doubt very much that you will ever get a handle on it. Or you are discouraged about work, or your career, and deep down you really don’t believe you can make transforming changes in your vocation.
That’s why I think that in counseling, I’m working on two problems (at minimum): the problem clients talk about, and the discouragement they feel about it.
Let’s work with one of the examples. Let’s say you’re discouraged about your career. You feel stuck in your job, dissatisfied, even trapped. Your boss doesn’t appreciate you, or you have a dysfunctional co-worker, or both. Maybe you suffer from the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Syndrome–you work hard and you work well, and you’re rewarded with more work, more tedious tasks.
In our work together, I would encourage you to talk this out, first of all. Let’s get at your feelings about this, and let you vent for a while. This is an important step. I want to understand what’s going on in your work life, and I want you to have a chance to talk about it freely. Sing your lament! (Seriously.) Then, we’ll start talking about solutions, beginning with what you’ve already tried, but also exploring some new strategies you might not have considered.
And then I’ll ask you about your discouragement. It makes sense that you feel discouraged. It’s perfectly rational. The situation is tough, and that’s no joke. But is your discouragement getting in your way? Are you convincing yourself that you’ll fail before you’ve really tried to make substantive changes? If you’re like most people, the answer is yes. Discouragement flows freely through most people’s lives, and through our culture.
I think discouragement is everywhere because we humans are hard-wired to expect that the world will be the same today as it was yesterday, and the same tomorrow as it was today. We don’t expect monumental change. I think it’s related to our evolution as a species. We evolved to create–and expect–a stable world, a world that makes sense. Change is not only hard. It’s also something in which we don’t have a lot of faith.
So at this point in our work together, I’ll start asking you questions about your discouragement. (I’ll assume you have at least a little bit of it!) One of my jobs with you is to cultivate hope in your life. I am here to encourage you. And I won’t do it in a shallow, silly way. I mean it sincerely: your life can change. You can even transform.
If you feel discouraged, I understand. I’ve felt that way myself. But I’ve seen people make substantial changes in their lives. I’ve seen people transform. I’m here to encourage you!
