How trying to fix it breaks it
I think it’s only fair that I start this post by confessing that in my relationship, I like to fix things. It’s not just because I’m a therapist… but it is true that I am a fixer for the same reason I’m a therapist: I like to help people by solving problems. If my spouse is having a bad day, or encountering a problem, or (yikes) is just mad at me, I want to…FIX IT. I’ll try anything, reaching into my golf club for therapist tools, listening skills, anything that will solve the problem and return us to a happy equilibrium.
Too bad that not only doesn’t work, but often enough makes things worse. Specifically, when I go into fixit mode, I run the risk of communicating to my spouse some bad things. First, I’m probably communicating that I’m not there for him. This is counter-intuitive, so think about it for a minute. You might naturally think that because I’m trying to solve my spouse’s problems, I may be annoying, but I’m there for him. I have good intentions! I want to help! I have solutions! But the inadvertent message my spouse receives could be: “I’m so anxious about your [insert one] bad mood/difficult problem/emotional quandary that I can’t simply be present with you and allow you to work things out on your own. I can’t calm down when you’re upset. And therefore, I’m not really here for you.”
Second, I run the risk of sending my spouse the message that I don’t respect him, that I don’t think he’s a responsible adult who can “fix it” himself.
What would it be like if, instead of rushing into fixit mode, I said, “You look upset. I don’t know how you really feel. I do know I don’t feel connected to you right now. That’s okay, but I just want to let you know that I love you, and when you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here for you.” What would that be like?
It’s hard to say. But it’s possible that your spouse or partner would feel 1) relieved that at least for now, you know something’s wrong but you’re not trying to solve her problems for her, and yet you’re there for her; and 2) you respect her and know she can work most of this out herself. You still have to have The Conversation at some point, to clear the air and talk through the situation. But if you’re communicating to your beloved that as upsetting as things are, you’re okay and you’re here when s/he’s ready, it could give both of you a chance to calm down, get some perspective, and re-engage with each other in an atmosphere of gentleness and mutual respect.
You didn’t fix it…and that might be one reason why it gets fixed!
