Hugging 101
If you’re already one of my clients, you probably know that I’m a big fan of David Schnarch, the well-known marriage/couple therapist. I want to talk today about his take on hugging, and how you can use hugging to grow and change in your relationship.
Schnarch encourages couples to try his “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, and the goal is this: to build your own ability to hold on to yourself while remaining emotionally close to your partner. He begins by describing emotionally unhealthy “A-frame” hugs. Let’s say you and I are hugging in an “A-frame” way. That means we’re in an A-frame position, leaning into each other. So if I’m leaning on you and you stumble or fall, or you willingly step back, what happens? I fall down. I’m not standing on my own two feet. I am over-dependent on you.
The healthy hug is different. You and I are embracing, but we’re both standing squarely on our own two feet. That means that we’re close to each other, looking into each other’s eyes, slowly matching our breathing, tuning into each other, and yet we’re not leaning on each other. It means that if you choose to step back, I won’t fall. I might be sad or disappointed, but I won’t fall apart.
When two people hug in this way, especially when they’re doing it intentionally in an effort to grow and change, they notice their anxiety going up, way up. That’s because it’s really hard to be close–and stay close–to someone who’s important to you without the closeness challenging you. Think of it this way: we’re hugging while standing on our own two feet. That means you don’t need me, and yet you are really close to me. You may not even need to be needed by me (if you truly have your emotional sh*t together!). Can you understand how scary that can be for someone who doesn’t know how to take care of his/herself?
In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, couples quickly find out how being close to someone who’s important to you drives up your anxiety, and challenges you to take care of yourself. You might start to sense that your partner wants to stop the hug. Or you might want to stop yourself, but start worrying that your partner will be hurt or offended. You’re fretting about your partner instead of confronting your own “stuff.” But stay with it. Stay close, and try to learn from your anxiety.
Remember: your instincts tell you that when your partner is driving up your anxiety, either because of how important s/he is to you, or how close (both emotionally and physically) s/he is to you, your instincts tell you to either 1) get some distance or 2) diminish your partner’s importance to you. In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” exercise, you are challenging yourself to stay with it, to work with your own anxiety the way you would climb a mountain, or wrestle with a worthy adversary.
Who thought hugging could be such a challenging and transforming thing to do?!
