“I don’t think I’ve ever loved you…”
This is a variation on the “love but not in love” problem. And let me say something right off the top: this is really hard. It can be a very sad situation. If one of you is thinking this, or saying this to the other, I just want to acknowledge the deep pain and sadness you both might be feeling right now.
When you feel this way, it’s easy to think the situation is hopeless. It’s never been great, so why try to fix it? We’ve never had a great relationship, so what good would it do to talk about it, let alone see a counselor about it?
Here are some steps you can follow if you find yourself thinking, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.”
1) Go there. Notice what’s going on for you, no matter how sad, frustrating, or painful. Maybe you are angry with yourself because you think you’ve been living a lie all this time, and it’s not fair to your partner. It’s also not fair to yourself—it’s not your best self. (More on that idea later.) Don’t have a “pity party,” but take space and time to tune into yourself.
2) Think about this idea: that indeed you haven’t ever loved him/her, but that’s not necessarily “bad” or “wrong,” and neither is it a hopeless situation. Think of it this way: if you’re now becoming aware that you’ve never loved your partner, you may be getting to a point in your life where you are actually ready—perhaps for the first time—to pursue a scary yet exhilarating relationship with someone else. Human beings reach physical sexual maturity in their teens, but our sexual development as thinking and feeling persons takes our whole lives. Perhaps you’ve never loved, period! At least you haven’t loved in the way you’re now sure you want to: with passion, sexual and otherwise. With closeness, scary and exhilarating as it can be. With energy and fire, with crisis and joy. Is it possible that you can have this with your current partner? I don’t know, but you might want to keep an open mind about it.
3) Now, about your next move. Let’s go back to what I said above about your “best self.” If you don’t think you’ve ever loved your partner, you might be right, but it might not be the end. As you move forward, try to move forward with the best of you. This means, your best characteristics, your best gifts, your best and strongest self. This involves a few steps: a) take care of your physical self. Follow a pattern of rest, exercise, eating, and drinking that helps you feel your best. b) Own up to your own “stuff,” and practice accountability. You don’t think you’ve ever loved your partner? Okay. So hold yourself accountable for that, in a positive way. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you” can be just the first thing you say. The next thing you say could be, “I’d like to work on it. It’s not all about you, or even us. I’m willing to take the risk of counseling, or trying out new behaviors, or making changes to our routine, or …”
4) It’s also a positive move to end the relationship while holding yourself accountable for your own thoughts and feelings. If “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you” leads your best self to say goodbye to your partner, do it gracefully, respectfully. Don’t “shoot ‘em an email.” Stand up and do it right, because you don’t just want to be happy in a relationship (or happy outside of one), you want to be your best self when you’re relating to others. And you can’t have relationship happiness of any kind without doing that, or doing it at least some of the time. (We all have our moments!)
No honest therapist can promise you’ll get through something like this with your relationship intact. But I can say this: the thought, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you…” can often be a sign that your own growth and development—and possibly the growth and development of your relationship—is about to take a leap. A painful leap? Usually. But it’s what we humans are all about. It’s why it takes us a lifetime to become our truest and best selves.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Yes, but you see Stephen I never did love my ex-husband, I married him for financial security, I liked him but never loved him. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad about this and I have never ever told him this; but sometimes people really don’t love the person they are with it is mearly a matter of survival which has nothilng to do with love.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Melissa,
What you’re describing is actually one of the most ancient and common human predicaments: people feel compelled to marry for the sake of financial security, or for some other kind of practical reason. Often enough, people in your situation are desperate. What else can they do? They feel they have to get married, or suffer terrible consequences. It’s relatively recent in human history that so many couples have been able to come together out of love, and with a real chance at growth and happiness. May that be what lies ahead for you!
September 5th, 2008 at 10:21 am
[...] Lots of people were interested in my series of posts on the all-too-common phrase, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Why do we hear that so often, and what does it mean? And how do we move past it? And what if they say this? [...]