I’ve complained about this before. The word is “differentiation.” I’m wild about what it means, but I think the word…well, I think the word blows. It’s a TherapyLand word, not a word normal, well-adjusted people would use. What does it mean to be differentiated?

David Schnarch says differentiation means “connection with separateness.” OK, that’s a little better, but only a little. Think of it this way: there are two kinds of emotional connection that you can have with your partner: connection without separateness, and connection with separateness. If I’m connected to you but we are not also–at the same time–separate human beings, that’s bad. It means when one of us freaks out, the other one also freaks out. I can’t be calm and OK if you’re falling apart. But if were connected with separateness, then I can care about you and love you and support you, but I don’t have to react to your freakout. I can hold myself together while you start to pull yourself back together.

Still confused? OK, more Schnarch. Here are his “Four Points of Balance,” the four things he says we need to be able to do if we have differentiation. In fact, he goes further and says this: they are four “uniquely human abilities.” No other species on the planet can do these things. Here they are: if you are differentiated, you–

1) Can maintain a clear sense of self while being in close proximity to partners who are pressuring you to conform. You’re emotionally close to your partner, and your partner (because s/he is human) is pressuring you to conform to his/her view of what your relationship should be like, or conform to his/her need for a low-anxiety relationship, and you are able to resist that pressure without distancing from your partner.

2) You can regulate your own anxiety. You can self-soothe. When your partner is freaking out, that doesn’t mean you have to.

3) You remain non-reactive–but not indifferent–to the reactivity of others. Someone hurls an insult at you, and though you may feel stung, you are able to hold yourself together and not be reactive in response.

4) (and this is probably the most important one) You are willing to tolerate discomfort for the sake of emotional/personal growth. You’re willing to go there with your partner. If you’re coming in for couples counseling, you’re open to being confronted and challenged (often enough by your therapist!) about your own issues.

All of this is to say that differentiation is an important concept, and well worth thinking about. It’s just not the greatest English word!

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This entry was posted on Friday, October 31st, 2008 at 9:04 pm and is filed under Being Your Best Self, Couples. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.