“I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’…”
I’ve heard this a lot when I talk to clients: they say, “I love him, but I’m not ‘in love’ with him.” What does that mean?
Well, I don’t always know. It depends on the person who says it. If you’ve said it, what do you think it means? If you’ve said it yourself, or if someone has said it to you, I invite you to post a comment on this blog. I’d like to hear from you, because I think people say this a lot, and I think people make sense of it differently.
My take on the phrase is this: to “love” someone is to feel loving feelings for the person, or to feel affectionate or fond of the person. To be “in love” is something more, something more intense. A person might say, “I love my mother. But I’m in love with my lover, my partner.” So to say you just “love” your partner is, truth be told, bad news for your partner—it means your feelings for him/her have become static, or “platonic.”
But here’s my concern about all this: I’m concerned that when people say this—when they say, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you”—they’re not saying what’s really going on in the relationship. They’re not saying, “We’re stuck. We obviously have a lot of love for each other, and we’ve been through a lot, but we’re stuck.” Or they’re not saying, “I’m sorry, but I think it’s over, and I want to move on.” In other words, they’re not owning up to their true feelings, their true desires, and their true plan for themselves. In short, they’re copping out.
If you find yourself saying to your partner, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you,” I want to challenge you: I want to suggest that you really might be thinking and feeling something deeper, something more difficult, than you’re letting on. I suspect that you’re actually holding back the real truth about what’s really bugging you, what’s really concerning you. You might want to think about speaking the deeper truth to your partner, hard as it is, and painful as it is. And what is the deeper truth? I don’t know. You might not know, at least not right away. But the “love, not in-love” statement might be a sign that you’ve been unhappy for quite a while now. And—it might not all be your partner’s fault!
What’s the advantage in telling your partner the deeper, harder truth? The advantage is that whatever happens in the present moment—whether or not your current relationship survives this truth-telling moment, and no matter how awkward or uncomfortable you feel—you are getting better at speaking the real truth to another person. You are getting better at being an authentic, self-revealing person in your intimate relationships. It’s painful, but it’s worth it.
And if you’re on the receiving end—if it’s not you but your partner who says, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you…”, it could be an opportunity for you to speak your own truth about the relationship as you see it. Try not to be reactive or defensive if you hear this statement. Try instead to speak the truth about your own thoughts and feelings, and say clearly what you feel you need to say. And try to ask your partner, “What are you saying? What are you telling me?”
Bottom line: in my view, the “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you” statement is a sign that something more is going on. No matter which side of the conversation you find yourself, it’s worth it to go deeper, to ask for more—of yourself, and of your partner. Even if it ends in a break-up, it’s a moment that can help you grow, and learn.
March 15th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I agree with this completely, and do think that “I love you but I’m not in love” is definitely an overused expression that serves only as alert, but doesn’t have real substance. I also think, or suspect, that another reason that couples say this, is because the limerence phase is over - when you fall in love, you are full of all kinds of chemicals that cloud your judgment, make you feel high, etc. This state can’t last, it’s not designed to last. People who expect this extraordinary state of mind to last are setting their expectations too high, and setting themselves up for disappointment when the initial rush fades to day-to-day life. If when they say “in love” they are referring to this initial limerence phase, then it’s only natural that they won’t be “in love” at a later point in time, and that this might have less to do with the quality of their relationship and more to do with setting realistic expectations about what it is like to be in a long term relationship. My two cents, because I just like using the word “limerence” anywhere I can.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:35 am
I hope its okay to post my story, becasue it involves the I love you, but I am not sure I am inlove with your phrase, plus its not just a short term relationship either……
I have been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 10. We had a amazing relationship and we have been through a lot together, thick and thin, he was alwasy very vocal to me and to friends about how happy he was with his life and with me……and since he has chosen to leave me it has sent huge shockwaves through friends and family. Realistically we both have our weaknesses and strengths and the only criticism I would say is that he works way to hard, over the last year we both have been working hard and unfortunately spending less quality time together, he is so focused on his career, has been since I met him.
We did go on holiday in April this year with a bunch of friends and it was brilliant. I will admit before I carry on with my story that the last 3 months have gone very fast and he has been working even harder then before, he got a promotion and he started to become distant, I put it down to the stress and pressure of his new role and unfortunately my head was in the clouds I did not see the real problem i.e. the impact our relationship. In hindsight I wish I had addressed the issue sooner and more directly casue we did talk about it, guess he was not totally honest with me and confirmed my worry that it was just the stress and pressure he was trying to deal with.
3 weeks ago, he became very quiet one day, I approached him about it and thats when he dropped the bomb, he said he feels he has ruined our marriage, I naturally started to cry quietly as I do have a cool head on my shoulders, I said please don’t tell me you thinking of ending our marriage, he replied he feels its for the best, he feels he has changed and gone down a different path, we were both crying at some points, but ….did not resolve anything further. I was so distraught and shocked that night that I left the house, we did not speak or see each other for nearly a week, I returned to the house to collect +remove some stuff, (everything was happening so fast, I know now that I was not doing the right things, but this is a shocking situation that of course I had never experienced before, so was making mistakes) and he was at the house, I sat quietly and told him gently what was going through my mind and that he really needs to be careful of throwing something away thats so precious, I explained my thoughts in terms of how I had been stupidly blinded by thinking he was just under pressure and that I was not aware he was thinking to end our marriage. He did not respond much to me, just again saying “I think its for the best.” I reminded him that this year has been particularly hard for us both, not our relationship, but other things that have happened and we got through them e.g. he was really ill at one stage and landed up in hospital, I got a job and it was horrible, I have since moved and found a lovely place of work, so the year was very hard on us both, I said to him that we know we need to spend more time together, this is so easy to fix and work at so can we not save our marriage now that we know what has caused this blow up, he responded by saying he feels he will just drift away from me again, I then asked him if he had simply fallen out of love, he gave me the dangerous line of “I love you dearly, but I am not sure I am in love with you”, he also adamantly denies he has met someone else. The conversation remained very quiet and calm and it ended with him leaving to go buy something he needed. I did not want to push things and felt I had said my piece so left it at that.
The next day he called me at work to say that he has to go visit his sister and clear his head, he said he is flushing his life down the toilet and doesn’t not know what he is doing, I just gently responded to him in a supportive way, and he called me sweetheart at the end. He visited his sister, but ended up coming back earlier then expected, however he had gone back into the frame of mind as before, distant and closed, I know this because I spoke to his sister when she called me to tell me he was going back early.
4 days later we agreed to meet up again as I had some questions having used time to evaluate everything and start thinking properly. I asked him the fundamental question ”how long have you been unhappy” he said he was not unhappy and that he was just frustrated for about 6-8 months, I asked him what he was frustrated with, he said loads of thing, like the shower head keeps breaking. naturally I said “so you ending our 10 year relationship because a showerhead keeps breaking” he then replied “its loads of things I cant explain it or describe it.” I reiterated some of the stuff I mentioned to him when we had our first meeting, but he responded in much the same way, sometimes there was a glimmer of hope, then he would fall back into his adamant decision, that he feels its for the best. He asked me if I hated him and if I thought he would regret this one day, I responded I don’t hate you at all I love you, and you know what my answer is to whether you will regret this one day. I asked him towards the end if I need to start closing the book on our relationship, and of course he said he thinks its for the best? I left it at that, I know I have probably not responded in the right way, and I have probably being way to careful in what I say to him, which may be backfiring on me.
We have not spoken or seen each other now for nearly 2 weeks (I am giving him all the space he needs so that he can feel this new life he wants without me, and hopefully this will help him focus on whay he is doing this. I am living in the house as I need to save money and have been making all the necessary financial plans I need to to look after myself, he has moved out and I have know idea where he is?
There are alot more small pieces to this story, but hopefully I have captured the essence of what has happened. I still cannot quite believe this has happened, I really think we can save our marriage now that we both know exactly what to do, but the signals he has been sending are very cut and dry, he is a sensitive person and I really never thought for once he would ever have come to this decision.
I have a good support network of friends as I am hurting and I am scared of what the future holds for me, which is understandable in this life changing situation. I am sitting on the fence at the moment I have a plan should he change his mind and I have a plan if he continues to …..well act the way he is.
I just wish i knew what to say at the right moment to get him to think rationally, because I don’t think he has spoken to anyone deeply about this. It comes across to me now that he is almost ignoring the situation, almost as if it never happened and that the stuff we have to sort out now is simply a checklist, I get this feeling as I have been in contact with some of our close friends, some of them said they had spoken to him recently, but he has not mentioned anything to them at all, one of our friends said that he had told them, but he could not tell them why?
I am being as strong as I can be to look after myself, but I am really hoping for a miracle.
I miss him so so much………