Thanks for your comments, and very sorry to hear about this. I hope you have the support you need to work through this difficult time. Keep working on boundaries! And it sounds like a cliche, but I encourage you to focus on being there for yourself. Take good care – Stephen

i know that she wasnt/isnt very happy with herself and i did all that i could to be there for her and show her that she is wonderful and worthy to be loved. ultimately, i dont think she could be in love with me because she doesnt love herself. its awful to see because we have been each other’s best friend. in the time since, i have tried to take space, but i have not kept my boundries when she calls.

she really doesnt have close friends and so im the one she turns to. its difficult to have empathy for someone that has hurt you and as much as it hurts, i believe i need to cut the ties. she sees the time we spend together now in a friendly way, but i continue to want her to go from loving me to being in love with me again.

it would devestate me to see her in love with someone else and this friendship that we still have would never be the same.

I am the girl who left the long story above….how strange it is reading this nearly 6 months later. Sadly I dont have good news to finish off that story……

My husbad left me for another women…..he works for the ambulance service and he left me for his crewmate……..I moved out of the house about a month after sending my story above….he moved back in and 3 days lady she moved in with him.

I have got through the depression and sheer shock of everything somehow, I tried everyhting…jounels….meditation….and talking lots and lots of talking.

I had to rehome my 2 kittens, rip myself away from my home, sell my car and basically I am living like a student now, I am living comfortably, but definately like a student…..massive life change.

My husband and I are currently attending mediation to agree on financial splits, this is difficult as on top of everything he wants me to take on 25% of our debt, sign the house over to him with no buy out and bascially disappear (whilst I know for a fact they have pretty much redecorated the house and bought a new corner sofa….nice). Luckily he wants to pay for the divorce process…all of it and he is happy for the petition to come from me on the grounds of adultary.

My only advice in this situation on reflection is however hard it is remain calm, polite and where necessary businesslike….its up to you, but when I felt the opportunity was right I told him I will respect his decision, but I will love him forever, regardless of what he has done or how he has treated me…sadly I will move on and I disagree with how he is treating me, but thats not to say I have to hate him….its hard to explain to some people, but I know you will understand, you cannot just crush that love.

I did alot of research on saving a marriage extra, I do think the advice in it all is very helpful….I think in my case he had already given his allegiance to the other women and I never stood a chance. She was obviously there for him during that promotion in his life which was a great deal to him, she knows the job and could offer him alot more then I ever could in terms of the job, therefore he emotionally connected to her.

I have read that over 75% of people end up Divorcing their lovers.

I dont ever want anything bad to happen to my husband, but I do hope that karma turns its wheel. On the flip side I pray this women looks after him, becasue I know how sensitive he is and if she hurt him (I know this sounds sick after what he has put me through, but I like to think of myself as the bigger person having learnt from this) I personally dont think he would cope.

Be patient and as hard as it is try keep inner peace in your body to drive out those feelings of pain……but also let those feelings wash over you, you will feel many strange things…..I found if I started to feel angry I felt worse, try remain gentle with yourslef and your mind.

I do think that my case was different and until your partner is truthful with you, you wont know where you stand.

Thinking of you

Take care of you and your beautiful children, there is a forum you can view which helped me http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk

I have been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 10. We had a amazing relationship and we have been through a lot together, thick and thin, he was alwasy very vocal to me and to friends about how happy he was with his life and with me……and since he has chosen to leave me it has sent huge shockwaves through friends and family. Realistically we both have our weaknesses and strengths and the only criticism I would say is that he works way to hard, over the last year we both have been working hard and unfortunately spending less quality time together, he is so focused on his career, has been since I met him.

We did go on holiday in April this year with a bunch of friends and it was brilliant. I will admit before I carry on with my story that the last 3 months have gone very fast and he has been working even harder then before, he got a promotion and he started to become distant, I put it down to the stress and pressure of his new role and unfortunately my head was in the clouds I did not see the real problem i.e. the impact our relationship. In hindsight I wish I had addressed the issue sooner and more directly casue we did talk about it, guess he was not totally honest with me and confirmed my worry that it was just the stress and pressure he was trying to deal with.

3 weeks ago, he became very quiet one day, I approached him about it and thats when he dropped the bomb, he said he feels he has ruined our marriage, I naturally started to cry quietly as I do have a cool head on my shoulders, I said please don’t tell me you thinking of ending our marriage, he replied he feels its for the best, he feels he has changed and gone down a different path, we were both crying at some points, but ….did not resolve anything further. I was so distraught and shocked that night that I left the house, we did not speak or see each other for nearly a week, I returned to the house to collect +remove some stuff, (everything was happening so fast, I know now that I was not doing the right things, but this is a shocking situation that of course I had never experienced before, so was making mistakes) and he was at the house, I sat quietly and told him gently what was going through my mind and that he really needs to be careful of throwing something away thats so precious, I explained my thoughts in terms of how I had been stupidly blinded by thinking he was just under pressure and that I was not aware he was thinking to end our marriage. He did not respond much to me, just again saying “I think its for the best.” I reminded him that this year has been particularly hard for us both, not our relationship, but other things that have happened and we got through them e.g. he was really ill at one stage and landed up in hospital, I got a job and it was horrible, I have since moved and found a lovely place of work, so the year was very hard on us both, I said to him that we know we need to spend more time together, this is so easy to fix and work at so can we not save our marriage now that we know what has caused this blow up, he responded by saying he feels he will just drift away from me again, I then asked him if he had simply fallen out of love, he gave me the dangerous line of “I love you dearly, but I am not sure I am in love with you”, he also adamantly denies he has met someone else. The conversation remained very quiet and calm and it ended with him leaving to go buy something he needed. I did not want to push things and felt I had said my piece so left it at that.
The next day he called me at work to say that he has to go visit his sister and clear his head, he said he is flushing his life down the toilet and doesn’t not know what he is doing, I just gently responded to him in a supportive way, and he called me sweetheart at the end. He visited his sister, but ended up coming back earlier then expected, however he had gone back into the frame of mind as before, distant and closed, I know this because I spoke to his sister when she called me to tell me he was going back early.
4 days later we agreed to meet up again as I had some questions having used time to evaluate everything and start thinking properly. I asked him the fundamental question ”how long have you been unhappy” he said he was not unhappy and that he was just frustrated for about 6-8 months, I asked him what he was frustrated with, he said loads of thing, like the shower head keeps breaking. naturally I said “so you ending our 10 year relationship because a showerhead keeps breaking” he then replied “its loads of things I cant explain it or describe it.” I reiterated some of the stuff I mentioned to him when we had our first meeting, but he responded in much the same way, sometimes there was a glimmer of hope, then he would fall back into his adamant decision, that he feels its for the best. He asked me if I hated him and if I thought he would regret this one day, I responded I don’t hate you at all I love you, and you know what my answer is to whether you will regret this one day. I asked him towards the end if I need to start closing the book on our relationship, and of course he said he thinks its for the best? I left it at that, I know I have probably not responded in the right way, and I have probably being way to careful in what I say to him, which may be backfiring on me.

We have not spoken or seen each other now for nearly 2 weeks (I am giving him all the space he needs so that he can feel this new life he wants without me, and hopefully this will help him focus on whay he is doing this. I am living in the house as I need to save money and have been making all the necessary financial plans I need to to look after myself, he has moved out and I have know idea where he is?

There are alot more small pieces to this story, but hopefully I have captured the essence of what has happened. I still cannot quite believe this has happened, I really think we can save our marriage now that we both know exactly what to do, but the signals he has been sending are very cut and dry, he is a sensitive person and I really never thought for once he would ever have come to this decision.

I have a good support network of friends as I am hurting and I am scared of what the future holds for me, which is understandable in this life changing situation. I am sitting on the fence at the moment I have a plan should he change his mind and I have a plan if he continues to …..well act the way he is.

I just wish i knew what to say at the right moment to get him to think rationally, because I don’t think he has spoken to anyone deeply about this. It comes across to me now that he is almost ignoring the situation, almost as if it never happened and that the stuff we have to sort out now is simply a checklist, I get this feeling as I have been in contact with some of our close friends, some of them said they had spoken to him recently, but he has not mentioned anything to them at all, one of our friends said that he had told them, but he could not tell them why?

I am being as strong as I can be to look after myself, but I am really hoping for a miracle.

I miss him so so much………