If we love each other, why are we fighting?
Sometimes couples think that if they’re having problems together, it means they’ve fallen out of love. They worry that the magic is gone, that all the excitement and fun and happiness of their relationship is gone forever. If we’re fighting, they think, it means our relationship is doomed.
I often help couples face two things when they feel this way: first, you’re right about one thing: what you had before is gone. People change, so relationships change. It’s hard, but it’s the truth. And second–and this is important!–the pain you feel right now could be a sign that your relationship is changing into something more, something better. As happy as you were “back then,” and as sad as you might feel that you’ve lost that happiness, you could be creating something better. You could be doing the hard work of increasing your intimacy.
Intimacy is hard because to be close to someone we need to go out of our comfort zone, make ourselves open and vulnerable to another person, take risks, and make mistakes. It’s messy! One image that helps me make sense of it is the mythical phoenix–the bird who bursts into flame, then rises from the ashes. If you feel like your relationship is in flames right now, it’s possible that you two are transforming into something new–maybe you’re creating a new relationship that is closer, more honest, and healthier. I can’t promise that you’ll come through this together, but I will say this: healthy relationships go haywire every so often. It’s not because something’s wrong. It’s one of the reasons why they’re healthy!
If you’re in pain right now, it might not mean something’s wrong. It might mean that you are doing something right.
