I posted on this late last year, but it keeps coming up in my work with clients, so I think it’s worth posting again. How do you really clear the air in your relationships? How do you talk to others in a healthy way, particularly when tempers are short?

This technique was developed by Gaelen Billingsley, another great therapist in Seattle. (I suppose someone might say it will hurt my business if I recommend someone else who does what I do, but hey, that’s how good she is!). It’s a method in which you state clearly three basic things:

1. Your feelings. Keep them simple, and take full ownership of them. I feel mad. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel frustrated. If you’re saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, a judgment, an assumption. Usually the word “like” is a clue that you’re expressing a thought, not a feeling.

2. Your thoughts. Again, take full ownership. “I think you don’t respect me because you said something I thought was insulting.” Did you notice that statement contains two thoughts? You think he doesn’t respect you, and you think so because he said something you thought was insulting. It helps to sort out your thoughts from your feelings because otherwise, how can the other person really respond to your problem? If you’re lost in your feelings and convinced the other person harmed you, you’re not in a position to listen to the other person’s perspective, let alone reconcile.

3. State clearly your request. “I just want you to hear me out. That’s all.” Or, “I want to know what you were really thinking about me when you said that.” “I would like us to talk this out. Can you help me?”

Finally, think about this: the other person may not honor your request. She might not want to talk. He might not want to tell you what he was really thinking. That’s disappointing, but it’s the other person’s right to respond in whatever way they choose. Thank them anyway for giving you time to state clearly your feelings and thoughts. And keep practicing this technique. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. It’s a new way of relating.

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(First, my usual disclaimer: this is a Friday post, so it’s a little irreverent, and meant for your enjoyment! It’s part of my “Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics” series.)

Today we’re taking a look at the song, “Wind Beneath My Wings.” I decided that since this song was sung by Bette Midler (playing the character “CC”) in the film “Beaches,” just after her character’s best friend died, I would critique the song from the perspective of her departed best friend Hillary, played by Barbara Hershey. So here’s the situation: CC sings the song, and Hillary, having died and found her way to heaven (and wised up a bit), has figured out how screwed up most earth-bound relationships are (or at least most earth-bound pop songs), and keeps interrupting her old friend. So here goes:

CC: It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine; that’s your way.
You always walked a step behind.

HILLARY: What?! I never had sunlight on my face? What, are you kidding? CC, I love you and all, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t hiding in your shadow. Yes, I understood that when we were friends, you were the celebrity. You were the performer. But I have no regrets. Did I let you shine? Meaning, let you shine while I “walked a step behind”? Um, sorry, but no. Get over yourself! Yes, I was an introvert. I didn’t seek the limelight. But that doesn’t mean I sacrificed my life for you. I just had a different style, a different personality. And to tell you the truth, I’m a little bit shocked that you didn’t know that! But–go on. Keep singing your song…

CC: So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

HILLARY: Hold on, CC. You had glory–meaning, I didn’t? And I had strength, meaning, you didn’t?! I know these lyrics sound sweet, but why are glory and strength polar opposites? Why can’t you be famous and strong? Like, oh, you know, not this Hillary, but Hillary Clinton? That woman’s got it goin’ on! (Yes, we’re following the Democratic presidential primary up here. And even though we know who’s going to win, it’s fascinating!) But as I was saying, why do you think I had a beautiful face but no name? Did you forget that I built a career of my own, that our friendship–as lovely as it was, don’t get me wrong–that our friendship wasn’t the whole point of my life? Sorry, CC, I wouldn’t trade our friendship for anything, but I’m proud of my career. I’m happy with all of my life, not just the great times I had with you. And as for my beautiful smile, OK, sure, sometimes I smiled when in fact I felt a little miserable (who doesn’t?), but I like to think that for the most part my smile was just that: my smile. I led a good life. Don’t forget that, my friend.

CC: Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

HILLARY: Oh, CC! All this pressure! I am the wind beneath your wings? Seriously? It’s sweet of you to call me your hero, and I guess I’m flattered that I’m everything you’d like to be, but to be honest, I never saw you that way. I never thought you were unable to have your own great life, to fulfill your own great destiny. I appreciate your praise, but really, you’re flying high all on your own. You don’t need me for that.

CC: It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I’ve got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know the truth; of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

HILLARY: (sighing) Oh, CC. You know, there wasn’t that much that went unnoticed between us. Not to be snarky or anything, but I was pretty bright when I lived on earth. And you should know it’s not healthy to say you would be “nothing” without me. I miss you–I really do!–but I don’t want you singing that line to me now that I’ve gone. You would be nothing without me? Come on! You don’t have to pretend I made you who you are as a way to honor me or pay me your respects now that I’ve died. (And I don’t want to sound nasty, but it kind of makes my death all about you.) If I’m a true friend, I’m comfortable with you just as you are, not you as an extension of me. Well, CC, I think I better go. But–no kidding–thanks for the song. Really. And I wish you all the best. I’m not the “wind beneath your wings.” I hope you know that. (If not, just ask your therapist!) But I am your biggest fan! xoxox, your friend,

Hillary

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So, it’s your fault. You did something, and you regret it. Maybe it was relatively small: you said something really insulting to your partner. Or you were acting out at work and made a fool of yourself. Maybe it was big: you had an affair. You seriously harmed someone emotionally. You behaved badly. So, now what?

Not every problem in life can be solved by following a step-by-step plan, but sometimes it does help to take things in order, one thing at a time. Here’s a way to work through your big mistake, make sense of it, and make amends. Whether or not you’re able to restore your relationship with another person, you can at least make peace with yourself. So here goes:

1. Face up to what you did. Take out a pad of paper if you like, but find a way to really acknowledge to yourself what happened. “I stepped out on my partner. I knew better, but I did it.” Or, “I said something hurtful. I didn’t mean it, but that doesn’t matter. I hurt my friend, and it’s my fault.” At this stage, don’t express remorse, just get the facts straight. What did you do? What happened when you did it? Fess up to yourself.

2. Get in touch with your own feelings about what you did. Now’s the time for remorse, if you feel it. Remember that feelings are usually simple things: they fall into four basic categories–mad, sad, glad, afraid. If you find yourself saying, “I feel like I let her down,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, an assumption, a judgment. “I feel lousy because I let her down”–that’s better. “Lousy” is the feeling. And what’s under “lousy?” Feelings like guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated, sad, remorseful, and so on. One more thing about feelings: realize that you’re not an angel. You’re human, so some of your feelings won’t be P.C. “I also feel mad,” you might say to yourself. “Yeah, I screwed up. Big time. But I’m still mad at him about what he did.” That’s just another feeling. It doesn’t hurt to get it out there. Notice it. Jot it down. Reflect on it.

3. Think about the reasons–not excuses, but reasons–why you did what you did. A reason is not an excuse, not a cause for pardon. It’s just a reason. You had a tough childhood, so that’s why you did it? Okay. That’s a reason, but it’s not an excuse. Thinking about the reasons for your behavior is a good thing to do, but not because it “gets you off the hook.” It’s a good thing to do because it helps you get past your own unproductive guilt, or your own unproductive defensiveness. You’re not absolving yourself. You’re just getting some perspective on the circumstances that led to your unfortunate behavior. “I cheated on my partner,” you might say, “because I’ve never had a stable relationship and I got scared. I wasn’t thinking… Maybe I stepped out because I wanted to go first, I was so convinced that he would hurt me.” Again, that’s not an excuse. It’s just a little bit of perspective about your thoughts and actions.

4. Decide what you’re going to do next. This step could look like a lot of different things. It could be any of the following, or something else entirely:
–Apologize, but make it good. Truly apologize for what you did. State clearly to the other person what specifically you regret, and let the other person know that you understand that they feel whatever it is they feel about it. Don’t ask them for anything. Just offer the apology, offer it sincerely, and leave it at that. Let the next step be theirs.
–Resolve to do better. You might have lost the relationship at this point, or perhaps the other person just doesn’t want to deal with it, or talk with you about it. Draw whatever lesson you can from what happened and move forward. Notice when you’re slipping back into useless guilt trips, or useless defensiveness. Notice it, then lead yourself back to your current life.
–Forgive yourself for what you’ve done. This might be the hardest part, at least for some of us. Remember that you are a flawed, fallible human being. You can learn from your mistakes, but you can’t avoid them. This kind of self-forgiveness is not cheap. It takes time–time you spend with yourself, reflecting soberly on what happened, and what’s next for you. But it’s the healthiest way for you to use this difficult time to learn about yourself and, well, grow up a little bit!

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Following up on yesterday’s post, here’s my take on the question, “What do I do if I don’t make it back in time, if the person I love dies before I have a chance to say goodbye?”

This really hurts. I’ve seen people fall apart when this happens. They break down and begin to weep, feeling overwhelmed with guilt and regret. I think it’s really important to remember a few things during times like this:

1. Be compassionate with yourself. You didn’t make it because you couldn’t make it. Something prevented you from being there, whether it was a delayed flight, the maddening turn of events, or something deeper, something personal, such as your own ambivalence about the person who was dying, or barriers that the dying person put up. Even if it was that last one–that you yourself were hesitating, and while you were hesitating, the person died–even then, please try to be compassionate with yourself. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes, when a person dies and certain key family members and friends were absent because of the difficulties they had with that person, well, that’s just part of that person’s story. Think of it as something that you and the person who died share together: several unanswered questions, perhaps many regrets, but something that both of you shared. Those who are dying often have a lot of influence over who ends up at their side when their time comes.

2. Find a way to say goodbye, or pay your respects. Attend the funeral, or connect with others who are grieving. Or write a letter to the person who died, maybe a letter that expresses your regrets, but also your affection for the person. The letter could also be a way for you to talk about your ambivalence, or even (if you feel it) your anger. It might feel countercultural to acknowledge your anger for a person who died, but it’s healthy. I really think that if the dead can hear us, if they’re still tuned in somehow, then we should honor them with an authentic expression of how we truly feel!

3. Connect with living persons in your life. Try to draw wisdom and insight from this experience. If you regret missing the last moments of one person’s life, turn your attention to the people you love who are around you today. Resolve to be fully present with the living.

4. If you did have a relationship problem with the person who died, think especially about those with whom you are currently having difficulties. If it pains you to miss out on saying goodbye to someone who died–if it pains you because the missed connection was a result of a relationship problem–then take this opportunity to repair and restore relationships you have with others. Work to have a life that ends in a more peaceful death than the one you just experienced.

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A friend of mine who reads my blog (PL, you know who you are!) asked me to write a new post because things were slow at work and she needed something to read. I asked her what I should write about. “Oh, death and dying,” was her casual reply. Yeah, ’cause that’s a really easy topic!! I asked for a subtopic under the category of death and dying, and she said, “saying goodbye.”

Will do–let’s talk about saying goodbye. My friend is getting ready to say goodbye to a relative of hers who is not likely to live much longer. Like so many families, there’s a lot of pressure for people to gather, keep vigil, and say whatever it is they need to say to the dying person. But what do you say? How do you say goodbye?

I think you should express everything you need to say to the dying person. Get it all out. Take your time, and be sure you fully express your whole collection of thoughts, feelings, and hopes for the person. And if it’s absolutely necessary, if you really can’t avoid it, use words.

That’s right: you don’t have to literally say anything. My siblings and I were all gathered around my mother’s bedside when she died nearly 11 years ago. Some of us would run errands, or talk to my dad, or go back to Mother’s side…we fell into a rough rotation pattern. I remember doing a few of the night “watches.” All we did was hold her hand, hold her hand, hold her hand. We might doze a bit from time to time, or talk to each other, or just watch her, listen to her breathing, try to see if there had been any changes. But the main thing was holding her hand. She was on a pretty good dose of morphine at the end, so she wasn’t able to sit up and talk to us very much. We just maintained a physical connection.

I remember at one point my mother asked me, “Do you have anything else you need to say to me?” At that particular moment, I didn’t. (Boy, do I have a lot to tell her now!) But she asked me that question before the vigils began, before she really started to decline and go into what they call “active dying.”

Later that week, when we were staying up all night to be with her, I think I said everything that needed to be said–I said it in the action of keeping vigil. I don’t think I understood this at the time, but in retrospect I think the act of keeping vigil communicates a lot to the dying person. Your silent presence communicates far more than any speech or carefully rehearsed statement. And I think it communicates one thing above all–one thing that many people who are dying need to hear–it communicates that those who are keeping vigil with you, who will witness your death, are strong enough to carry on after you’re gone. It takes a lot to keep vigil with a dying person, particularly if she is highly important to you. To do it, you have to summon strength and resilience from within. And I think that the dying person can sense that. She can tell that you are standing up at a difficult time. She can sense your resilience. And that might be all she needs to let go.

Don’t worry about what to say. Just be present in whatever way you can. That says a lot!

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If you’re already one of my clients, you probably know that I’m a big fan of David Schnarch, the well-known marriage/couple therapist. I want to talk today about his take on hugging, and how you can use hugging to grow and change in your relationship.

Schnarch encourages couples to try his “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, and the goal is this: to build your own ability to hold on to yourself while remaining emotionally close to your partner. He begins by describing emotionally unhealthy “A-frame” hugs. Let’s say you and I are hugging in an “A-frame” way. That means we’re in an A-frame position, leaning into each other. So if I’m leaning on you and you stumble or fall, or you willingly step back, what happens? I fall down. I’m not standing on my own two feet. I am over-dependent on you.

The healthy hug is different. You and I are embracing, but we’re both standing squarely on our own two feet. That means that we’re close to each other, looking into each other’s eyes, slowly matching our breathing, tuning into each other, and yet we’re not leaning on each other. It means that if you choose to step back, I won’t fall. I might be sad or disappointed, but I won’t fall apart.

When two people hug in this way, especially when they’re doing it intentionally in an effort to grow and change, they notice their anxiety going up, way up. That’s because it’s really hard to be close–and stay close–to someone who’s important to you without the closeness challenging you. Think of it this way: we’re hugging while standing on our own two feet. That means you don’t need me, and yet you are really close to me. You may not even need to be needed by me (if you truly have your emotional sh*t together!). Can you understand how scary that can be for someone who doesn’t know how to take care of his/herself?

In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, couples quickly find out how being close to someone who’s important to you drives up your anxiety, and challenges you to take care of yourself. You might start to sense that your partner wants to stop the hug. Or you might want to stop yourself, but start worrying that your partner will be hurt or offended. You’re fretting about your partner instead of confronting your own “stuff.” But stay with it. Stay close, and try to learn from your anxiety.

Remember: your instincts tell you that when your partner is driving up your anxiety, either because of how important s/he is to you, or how close (both emotionally and physically) s/he is to you, your instincts tell you to either 1) get some distance or 2) diminish your partner’s importance to you. In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” exercise, you are challenging yourself to stay with it, to work with your own anxiety the way you would climb a mountain, or wrestle with a worthy adversary.

Who thought hugging could be such a challenging and transforming thing to do?!

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Welcome to my new blog category: Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics. I’ve heard a lot of bad music in my time, but I’ve heard lyrics that are even worse! In this series I’ll talk about how pop songs often teach us how to have unhealthy, unhappy relationships. Or they tease us with the idea that love is easy. And, because I don’t want to simply tear something apart and leave it at that, I’ll have alternative ideas (if not alternative lyrics!) that help you feel more confident that you can develop relationships that are healthy and passionate and exciting!

(Quick warning: I’m having a lot of fun with this, so if I sound snarky, please know I’m actually smiling and thoroughly enjoying myself!)

My first pop song is not really a pop song, I guess. It’s a TV-show theme song: “The Love Boat.” Here are the lyrics, and I’ve bolded the ones I find particularly silly or unhealthy:

Love, exciting and new.
Come aboard. We’re expecting you!
Love, life’s sweetest reward.
Let it flow; it floats back to you.
The Love Boat soon will be making another run.
The Love Boat promises something for everyone.
Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.
Love won’t hurt anymore.
It’s an open smile on a friendly shore.
It’s love! Welcome aboard, it’s love!

OK. So let’s start with love being “life’s sweetest reward.” Really? Really?! Because I’m a couples therapist, and in my work (as well as my personal life) I’ve seen that life’s sweetest reward is the satisfaction that comes when people do the heroic, hard work of growth and change. Love is sweet, don’t get me wrong. And true love–the kind of love that people write good poetry about–is sweetest of all. But it takes a lot of work. These lyrics make it sound like all you have to do is pop on a boat, shake hands with the cruise director, and find the lover of your dreams, preferably before the second commercial break.

“Let it flow.” Um, what? Let what flow? Love? Once again, see my comments above re: love as work. I’m all for letting it flow, if by letting it flow you mean relaxing and soothing yourself so that you can stay close to someone and do the hard work of intimacy, the scary (and exhilarating) labor of love. When we’re doing that kind of love/work, it’s good to “let it flow,” meaning, breathe deeply, hang in there, relax, stay with it… But again, this song is messing with us. “Let it flow” in this song means, don’t worry about doing the work of love. Just let it happen. It’ll float back to you. (Um, sorry, but no…)

“[Love]…promises something for everyone.” This is a great example of a child’s view of relationships and love. “Promises something for everyone” sounds like, “If I’m real, real good, Santa will leave me a lover under the Christmas tree! And s/he’ll be my lover forever!” Sorry, but it only works that way on 1970’s television romantic comedies.

“Love won’t hurt anymore.” Well, OK, I guess I agree with that, as long as “Love won’t hurt anymore” means the same thing as “Love is a painful process of excruciating self-confrontation, character-building intimacy, and lifelong adventures that promise dizzying heights of joy–yes, joy–but not without a lot of effort. Like all things that are truly good and truly worthwhile, love hurts.

So, as promised, here are some alternatives. What they lack in poetic flow they make up for in emotional health. Enjoy!

Unhealthy: Love is life’s sweetest reward.
Healthy: The hard work of love leads us further and further into deeply rewarding relationships.

Unhealthy: Let love flow, and it will float back to you.
Healthy: Let yourself flow as you stay close to another person. Let yourself relax, even though you’re feeling scared, challenged, and excited. Stay close, stay in the fray. If you do, your better self–your best self–will lead you into an intense and wonderful connection with your partner.

Unhealthy: Love promises something for everyone.
Healthy: There are no guarantees, no promises. But anything you do that challenges yourself, or brings out the best in yourself, will help you grow, stengthen your relationships, and deepen your attractiveness in the eyes of others.

Unhealthy: Love won’t hurt anymore.
Healthy: Love hurts something awful! But you know it’s worth it! You know it! So jump in!

Next unhealthy pop song: “The Wind Beneath My Wings.” (Bette, get some therapy!)

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I wanted to say one more thing about the “drama triangle.” Sometimes, when people are setting healthy boundaries in their relationships, or when they’re being told to do that, they assume it means they need to be cold or aloof. And often enough they’re accused of being cold and aloof. But that’s not the case, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Even though you may seem to be more distant, and even though you’re practicing new behaviors in which you and the other person are not taking care of each other in the old, overinvolved way, you may still be deeply in love with the other person, or have other strong feelings of care and concern.

It’s not about becoming an android. It’s not about forcing yourself not to care. You still care, and you may have many deep feelings for those around you who are still caught up in the drama triangle. I like to think of it this way: my actions look more balanced and stable, but my heart is still burning with love. I’m tending to my boundaries, and even though people might accuse me of being aloof, I know that healthy boundaries are the best way to truly show love and care to another person.

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You’ve seen it before: someone you know is being a “drama queen.” You might be told that you yourself are being melodramatic, and often enough the feedback isn’t very polite: “Save the drama for your mama!” So here’s a quick introduction to the “drama triangle,” a concept from Transactional Analysis.

Here’s how it works: if you are being a so-called “drama queen,” you are playing one of three roles. You’re either the victim, the persecutor, or the rescuer. The thing is, if you are playing one of these roles, soon enough you’ll end up playing one of the other two. A victim might over-identify with his victim status and end up persecuting those who are trying to help him. You’ve seen this before. Someone has been hurt or wronged, and instead of healing and moving forward with life, she acts out in her relationships and can’t seem to stop hurting others with her unresolved anger.

If you find yourself in the role of rescuer, you’re not off the hook. In the drama triangle, rescuers aren’t the wonderful, altruistic saviors they might appear to be. They have mixed motives. Their rescuing behaviors are to some extent self-serving. In their effort to help the victim, they could start playing the persecutor role by overprotecting and hovering over the victim, or attacking the original persecutor in acts of revenge. Overprotecting a victim prevents the victim from recovering from the injury and letting go of the victim role, so if you’re the rescuer, you’re now harming the victim by getting in the way of his recovery. And teaming up with the victim to get revenge on the persecutor…well, it’s easy to see how you yourself can become the person you say you hate.

The drama triangle helps us see how one person’s dramatic behavior is actually part of a larger system. Sometimes I say it this way: “everybody is bringing the crazy!” Even if only one person has serious emotional or behavioral problems, family and friends around that person can get caught up in the crisis. It’s helpful to see it this way because it gives us a bird’s-eye view of what’s going on, and that means we can come up with more possible solutions. Let’s say you see yourself as the only sane person in your family. (And who knows? Maybe you are!) Well, if that’s true, then begin noticing how you get caught in the triangle, and experiment with your own behaviors. If you’re the rescuer, for example, you can practice stepping back from the victim and allowing him to cope with his problems as an adult. You can still be loving and nurturing with the victim, but start setting up some healthy boundaries. Even if you’re not thanked for it (and you won’t be–people in the drama triangle don’t like it when you stop playing along), you are blazing a trail away from the triangle, and others might choose to follow you.

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I often work with people who are facing really hard decisions. There’s the common “Should I stay or should I go?” decision — do I want to stay in this relationship? Or the workplace version: “Should I stay in this job?” Sometimes people have agonizing choices to make, choices that pit one important part of their life up against another. For example: “Should I stay where I am now and be closer to family, or follow my dream to a distant city?”

In grad school, one of my professors counseled me to tell clients to flip a coin. Seriously! The idea was that when the coin landed, how you reacted to the result would tell you a lot about what you really want. You called heads and it landed tails … so, how do you feel? Often times, people realize (silly as this sounds) that they really wanted the coin to land the other way. It’s not such a bad idea.

But here’s another way to approach life’s hardest decisions. Ask yourself this question: What does your best self want to do? It’s not hard to hear the siren song of your lesser self (or lesser selves). If I stay close to family, your lesser self might tell you, I won’t rock the boat. Families like that! I’ll be rewarded! (Though I might feel a little miserable…) Or if I chase a dream — maybe not a real dream, or a true-desire dream…maybe an escapist dream — I won’t have to face the hard realities of my current relationships and problems. (Fun! Yet … what do I do when the fun wears off?) Or your lesser self might tell you, if I stay in this troubled — and maybe abusive — relationship, at least I’ll have the security of everything in my life staying stable. Or your lesser self might say, don’t worry about working on this relationship. Look! There’s someone new!

Your task is to learn how to listen to your best self, the part of you that is usually found in moments of quiet and serious reflection, or sober and bracing self-confrontation. The hard truth is that your best self doesn’t always have “good news” for you, if by “good news” you mean a comfortable or pleasant path out of your dilemma.

When you’re facing a tough decision, take time to tune in to your self. Take time to ask the question, “What does my best self want to do?

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