Intimacy
People talk about intimacy, but they don’t always have the same definition of the word. So I thought I’d offer my definition and explain what I mean, because intimacy is one of the biggest issues I deal with in my work.
Intimacy (as I see it) is this: drawing closer and closer to another person without disintegrating, without falling apart. I can’t be intimate with a volcano. I can get pretty close: I can climb it, maybe walk around the edge of the crater. But if I jump in, I disintegrate. The volcano consumes me. But two people can be more intimate. If you are “standing on your own two feet” emotionally, you can get closer and closer to another person and withstand the intensity of the closeness.
An example of someone not handling intimacy well, of someone “disintegrating” when they’re emotionally close to another person, is this: you start to worry about what the other person thinks of you, or you find yourself getting defensive, or even a little panicked, because the closeness is so intense. Or you’re so freaked out about being intimate (emotionally intimate) that you hold yourself back. The other person thinks you’re cold and distant, that you don’t care. But the truth is you’re scared. You’re having a hard time calming yourself down because being close to another person is so unsettling.
So, how does it work? How do we get better at intimacy? By practicing it. By drawing closer and closer to someone, and not stepping back, or not doing the other things we do to get out of the hot spot (such as getting defensive, or giving in to anxiety, or just freaking out the way we used to do!). Being in a relationship with another person, sticking with it, noticing how the closeness pushes us to grow…this is the way intimacy makes us better, stronger, and healthier.
Intimacy can be painful. But look what happens to people, the better they get at it! It’s worth it. Your life–your self–is bigger and stronger than you know.
November 7th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm…….