Is it just that you’re scared?
I sometimes wonder if the one thing I deal with in my work and in my own life—the one dragon I keep slaying, and helping other people slay—is fear. I’m not a big-theory-to-describe-anything kind of person, but consider some of the evidence:
—An individual comes to counseling because he’s feeling lonesome, unloved, even unloveable. “I don’t know,” he might say, “maybe I’m depressed.” But as he talks about the difficulty of being on his own and ‘unlucky in love,’ he starts seeing how scared he is—scared to approach others, much less ask them out. Or scared to face his own demons, the thoughts and beliefs that keep him stuck, and maybe keep him single. Our work together helps him do the things that scare him, and find the love and intimacy he longs for.
—A couple comes to counseling because they’re screaming at each other and don’t know how to stop. Turns out they’re both afraid, maybe even terrified: afraid to tell the truth to each other, or say what’s really bothering them. Afraid to be honest with each other about their own contribution to the problem (”If I tell him I know I’m a part of the problem, I’m afraid he’ll just walk all over me!” one of them might say). Our work together helps the couple talk honestly, listen carefully, and—scary as it is—ask each other for what they really want.
—An adolescent comes to counseling because, well, usually because some adult who’s able to make life hard for him told him he had to! But he comes, and it sounds like the topic is behavior problems, truancy, impulsive (and maybe illegal) behaviors, unsafe sex, you know the story. But it’s not a cliche to say that this is a really scared kid, scared and maybe even panicked, trying to make some sense of his life, gain some sense of control. Our work together helps him breathe, learn how to calm himself down, and learn how to navigate his complicated life.
Right now, if you’re thinking about getting some counseling, you might feel (in no particular order) angry, upset, enraged, sad, confused, or just plain exhausted. You’re probably a pretty resilient person—after all, just thinking about getting counseling takes a little grit, to say nothing of coming in! You may be highly accomplished in your life, or feel pretty secure in general. But it’s highly possible that there’s something going on right now that frightens you. The area of your life that brought you to my site, whether it’s a relationship problem, career angst, grief, or something else entirely—if you reflect on your feelings about it, I’ll guess that fear is in there somewhere.
I help people notice their fears, understand them, and respond to them in new and life-changing ways.
