Have you noticed the Starbucks cups are red again? The leaves are barely off the trees, we’ve just managed to elect a new president, and here we go: the Holidays! For a lot of people, this is not good news.

So here’s my confession: I love the holidays. I’m weird in this way, I think. Around November 11, 12, 13, I start to long for the lights and the trees and even the music. (Obviously I don’t work retail!) But I understand that there are several reasons not to like them, including–

1) Something terrible or sad happened this year, or during the holidays in the past, and all the hoopla just reminds you of what (or who) you lost.

2) You’re keenly aware that not everyone can afford food and shelter–let alone those red Starbucks lattes–and the holidays are a cruel reminder of the fundamental unfairness and injustice in human life.

3) The holidays are just another way for you and your family to go through your usual drama, the typical family dynamic, your own version of the movie “Home for the Holidays“. You’re under all kinds of pressure to fly home and pretend you’re not an adult with your own opinions, your own rituals, your own full life. Yuck.

In my work I usually help people wrestle with 1) and 3). More on 1) soon. Right now–mid-November–you might be planning this year’s holiday family visit. You’re buying your ticket, and you’re already groaning. What to do?

As hard as it sounds–and it’s hard–you might want to challenge yourself this year. Your mother just called and told you the plans changed, forget what you’ve planned, we’re doing it this way, and if you really love us you’ll show up a day earlier… And maybe she didn’t even phrase it as a question. You have your Comply with The Family Or Else marching orders. As hard as it sounds, think about not following those orders. Think about standing a little taller, even with your mother. Think about how you say to yourself every year, “Oh well, I just need to get through the holidays. If I don’t do what they say, they’ll just make it even more miserable for me.” Consider the possibility that yes, they could make things more miserable, but yes, it’s worth it!

It could sound something like this: “Mom, I know you want me to do ______________ this year, but my plan is to do ______________. I know that is disappointing, but I need to stick with my plans. I’ve really been looking forward to them. I hope you can understand. I love you and I’ll see you on the 22nd…”

As I typed that, I shuddered a couple of times. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to stand up to people you love who are close to you, important to you, and pushing you to do the holidays their way. But when you give in completely, you end up losing yourself in the family dynamic and having (at best) an OK time, not a great time. You avoid the pain of standing tall, but you also avoid the delight–even the ecstasy!–that comes when you take a stand for yourself.

If you think this just won’t work because your mother–or everyone–will only push back harder, you’re half right. They will push back harder, and you could really bring on a lot of hostility. You would definitely be stirring the pot. But how else will you change your experience of the holidays? How else can your whole family grow and change? Families (and couples) change when one person stands tall, despite the hostility and resistence (and guilt-trip attempts!) that follow.

In the short term, standing tall won’t “work,” if by working you mean a pain-free holiday season. But think about hanging in there, for your own sake and for the sake of those you love. It’s worth it. So instead of wishing you “happy” holidays, I’ll wish you ecstatic holidays, and the strength and will to make them happen!

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This entry was posted on Thursday, November 13th, 2008 at 11:05 am and is filed under Being Your Best Self, Nothin' but a Family Thing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.