Laziness does not exist
Lots of times I work with clients who think they’re lazy, or think their partner is lazy, or think their son or daughter is lazy. And often enough that seems like a reasonable explanation. Why doesn’t he help with the dishes? Because he’s lazy! Why doesn’t she get up and make it to work on time? Because she’s lazy!
But I have a couple of problems with this. For one thing, if I’m “lazy,” what am I supposed to do about it? It’s either a personality trait, which would make it very hard to change, or it’s a chosen behavior, which means I’m being a little bit of a jerk. Whatever it is, it’s not pretty.
So I propose this: there is no such thing as ‘laziness.’ It’s not a true human condition. No, you are not avoiding work because you’re lazy. And your partner is not ducking out of vacuuming the living room because she’s lazy. And your son is not blowing off his homework because he’s lazy. There are five reasons why you (or someone you love who frustrates you) is not doing something:
1) Exhaustion. Don’t underestimate the power (and prevalence) of exhaustion. Most of us are doing the best we can despite being really tired, really strung out. All the other mammals on earth, after they’ve eaten and found shelter, reward themselves with a long nap. Humans are less fortunate in this regard!
2) You don’t want to do the task. This is obvious I suppose, but your failure to fold the laundry is mostly about the simple fact that you think folding laundry is a drag. And–
3) The cost of your failure to do the task is low. Maybe you know you won’t get punished too severely for not doing something. Or maybe it’s not such an important task after all. Or maybe (and parents, listen up here) the authority figures around you are not setting up a situation that would lead to serious consequences if you fail to do the task. Or–
4) The reward for doing the task is low. There isn’t a nice upside to doing it. For example, you’re not being recognized very much for your efforts, or paid very much, or being thanked. And you know what? Being thanked is important. It’s not selfish or small or petty of you to appreciate (and expect) the gratitude of others. And finally–
5) You are not confident you can do the task well. When your daughter is not doing homework, or your partner is not talking to you about his feelings, or you yourself are procrastinating yet again, it could very well be that you simply don’t feel confident in the task that has been set before you. You’re not lazy. You’re just insecure in this particular situation. Your partner is not lazy. She just thinks you’re better at cooking, or cleaning. Or maybe she’s being passive-aggressive! 
But she’s not being lazy.
So beware of the concept of ‘laziness.’ It’s a dead-end. It labels someone but doesn’t accomplish much more than that. The five reasons I’ve described above invite you to work on the issue with the goal of changing behavior, improving relationships, and building both competence and confidence. That’s all good, right?!
