Let them take care of it
Most often when we’re in a relationship, we feel we need to check things out, fix things, understand why the other person is upset, listen, respond…you know, do all those things therapists love to tell us to do! But then there are times when–and I say this as a therapist, not just someone in a relationship!–it’s okay to let the other person take care of their hurt feelings. Even if their hurt feelings are about you.
That’s right. Think about some of the times when you’ve been mad at your partner, or your partner’s been mad at you. Often enough, it’s an issue worth discussing, a problem worth solving. Maybe your partner misunderstood you, or maybe you’re upset because your partner said something you thought was insensitive. It might be a good idea to check it out. Checking it out is usually better than stewing about it…right?
Well, a lot of the time. But sometimes I work with couples who seem to be “check-it-out perfectionists.” No negative feeling goes unexamined. No hurt feeling goes unaddressed. And I think, well, I think they’re taking all this a little bit too far. Sometimes a person is just upset. That’s all. They’re having a bad day, or they didn’t like what you said, or they’re just not that into you right at this particular moment, and the best thing for you to do is to let it lie. Let them take care of it.
But…! You might say. But, I’m right, and he’s wrong!! Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to defend myself? Sorry, that sounds defensive… Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to (hmmm, what’s a nice therapy word…?) respond? Well, yeah, most times. But maybe not this time. Think about giving your partner a little space once in a while to be mad at you–or think about giving yourself a little space once in a while to be mad at your partner–without having to do the whole Therapy Routine. Don’t worry about “active listening” or “responding vs. reacting” or “empathic communication.” Just let them take care of it.
And guess what? If you do–if you let them (and yourself) take care of it on their own (or on your own) every once in a while, it’s good practice. It’s good self-soothing, self-parenting, self-care. It’s adult stuff. That way, when you two run into a bigger issue that really needs to be dealt with by both of you, you’ll both be better able to hold onto yourselves during the encounter. You’ll both be better able to take an adult stance while wrestling with your issues.
