Lots of people are interested in this topic! People want to know, what do I do if I love my partner, but am not in love? Or if my partner just told me that, what should I do?

In previous posts I talked about how this thought might be masking a deeper concern you have about your relationship, or your partner. It might be a way to avoid a harder conversation. Or it might be a sign that your relationship is on the brink of change, that one or both of you feels stuck, or bored, and (if you choose to do this) you’re about to enter what marriage therapist David Schnarch calls a “growth cycle.”

But you might still be asking, what do I do??! Tell me what I should do!

OK. Here’s what you should do! First, take a deep breath. Remember that the best thing to do first—in almost any relationship crisis—is to calm yourself down. Then, think about following these basic guidelines:

I’m the one who feels I love him/her, but I’m not in love. If this is your position, you might be feeling this way because the passion is gone. Maybe you don’t feel aroused anymore, or you’ve lost your sexual desire with your partner. (And maybe you haven’t lost it in other contexts, and that scares you!) This might be because you have slowly stopped bringing your full self into your relationship with your partner. What’s your full self? Lots of things: your deepest feelings—and some of them aren’t pleasant and pretty! But holding them back can squelch passion. Maybe you’re holding back sexual fantasies you have, or sexual activities you’d like to try, because you’re scared your partner will think they’re weird, or think you’re weird! Or maybe there’s something wrong in your life right now—physically, or in your workplace, or with family and friends—and you’re pulling back from your partner out of a misplaced sense of caution and fear. Sometimes, when you notice this anxiety but get closer to your partner in spite of it, it can lead to a passionate connection. And I don’t mean (necessarily) sexual passion—that can come a little later! It could happen like this: you take your partner’s hand, make eye contact, and disclose something that’s going on with you, something you were holding back. The purpose is not to solve a problem, or get your partner to help you. The purpose is simply to connect.

If it’s (let’s say) a sexual fantasy that you’re scared to reveal, this connection might take you places—some of them scary! Your partner might resist, or feel pressured and uncomfortable. That’s okay. It’s normal. (And it might help for you to say that to your partner.) You might want to follow your disclosure with a request that your partner can respond to in some way. “I’m telling you about this,” you could say, “because I want to be closer to you, to connect to you, and find more passion together with you…and because I’d like to try some new things…” The idea here is that the loss of passion is not your partner’s “fault,” or yours for that matter. It’s that the relationship has gotten a little routine, a little boring. And the relationship has evolved to a point where you (and probably your partner) are holding yourselves back, mostly out of fear or doubt.

My partner gave me the line, “I love you, but I’m not in love.” If this is your position, I once again recommend that you do some self-soothing, some calming down, all on your own. You’ll be in a better position to respond to your partner if you’re getting better at taking care of yourself, holding yourself together. As you’re doing that, it’s a good idea to remember a couple of things:

1) Every relationship—every single one—goes through periods of routine/stasis/boredom. It’s normal. It happens because every human being on earth—every single one—likes things to be comfortable and predictable at least some of the time.

2) Your partner’s comment is a sign that something is about to change in the relationship. It’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is over. (No promises: it might be. I’m just saying there might be other things going on.) The other things? It could be that your partner simply wants to grow and change with you. S/he is feeling a little bored, or stuck. What comes next might be challenging and scary—look at the scenario above and imagine it’s you who’s hearing your partner’s sexual fantasy!—but it’s good news for the relationship. Or it could be that your partner is having a hard time sorting something out, and that not all of it is about you. Ask your partner. Keep calming yourself down and try to connect.

3) You might consider your own take on the relationship at this point. It’s probably a safe bet that if your partner is giving you the “love but not in love” line, you yourself are not too thrilled about how things are going. Think about what you really, really want from your primary relationship—even if you’re scared your partner won’t want to share it with you—and challenge yourself to speak more openly about where your heart is right now. Try not to be defensive. Try to see this as an opportunity to take the relationship somewhere new. Try to remember that it’s not about you—or at least it’s not about you alone. It’s about the shared reality of your relationship.

4) Did I mention it’s a good idea to calm yourself down?! Well, it’s worth saying again!

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 9th, 2008 at 3:09 pm and is filed under Couples. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.