More about “I love you, but I’m not in love”
Lots of people were interested in my recent post about the statement, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you,” so I thought I’d say more about it. Here’s another way to look at it: it’s a statement that means, “We’re stuck,” but it may also mean, “I don’t have much hope that we’ll get unstuck.”
You could use different words than “stuck” to get at the meaning of “I love you, but I’m not in love.” Stagnant. Stalled. Frustrated. Powerless. Listless. You get the idea. If you think you love your partner, but you’re not “in love” anymore, that’s a “stuck” statement. So here’s something to think about if you feel hopeless about it:
I blogged earlier today on the concept of the “comfort-safety” cycle and the “growth cycle.” The statement “I love you, but I’m not in love” could be a way of saying that you’re on the brink of a growth cycle. It might not mean it’s over. In fact, it might mean the opposite! Every relationship—every single one—will run into this problem from time to time. You’ve been going along, accommodating each other, keeping anxiety low, settling into routines, meeting each other’s expectations, and then you wake up one day and realize, “Oh no! I love him, but I’m not in love with him.”
If you feel this way, but you still want to see if you can salvage the relationship, then I invite you to see this as a sign that you’re on the brink of growth and change. The hard part is that you’re also on the brink of increased anxiety, confusion, possible conflict, resistance, and did I mention confusion?!
All this means that I’m now offering two possible explanations of the “love but not in love” statement: 1) as I discussed in my previous post, it might mean that you or your partner is shying away from speaking some deeper truth about the relationship, or about what you really, truly want in (or out of) the relationship. And 2) it could mean that you two have arrived at the brink of a “growth cycle,” and that as hard as the next stage of your relationship might be, there’s a real chance that you could make great progress together and find increased excitement, joy, and fulfillment in your lives together.
