Here’s something I had forgotten: grief includes a spell of magical thinking. I’m sorry to say that our Hoshi died this past Monday (which explains why I’ve had so few posts this week), and once again I found myself thinking thoughts like, “Oh, if I hadn’t written about it, it wouldn’t have happened!” Or, “Oh, my failure to pay attention to him on Sunday afternoon led to his final downturn!”

This is normal…and it’s about love. It’s natural to be plagued with regret and guilt. And it’s natural to think that you somehow caused the death of the being you love. Why? I think it’s because these deaths are, in a word, outrageous. Hoshi died? Really? Seriously?? It’s an outrage. He was an innocent little dog. He knew from the beginning that his “big sister” Stella was the alpha in our home, and he delighted in being the younger sibling. (I use quotes because Stella is actually Hoshi’s older second cousin.) Hoshi was different than most Shibas: he didn’t have a dark side. He was all sunlight, all frolic. His death is awful because–in my humble opinion–creatures like Hoshi should be immortal. So when they die, it’s only natural for us to think up some reason for the death. Surely it was avoidable, and surely there is some logic to it. I just can’t accept that on this planet, we live in the midst of death.

So be kind to yourself if you’re slipping into magical thinking, regrets, guilt. It’s one way you show your deep love for your beloved who has died.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, April 11th, 2009 at 5:57 pm and is filed under Feeling Mad, Sad, or Afraid. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.