Maybe it really is about you!
Anyone who’s been in a romantic or committed relationship (those aren’t mutually exclusive adjectives! It’s just that some people say “romantic,” and some say “committed”)–anyone who’s been in a relationship of this kind can tell you that when they have relationship problems, it’s all too easy to see how the other person’s issues are causing the problem. “He’s so needy!” they’ll say. “I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?!” Or, “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.” Or, “God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”
When I hear these things in my work–or in my personal life (I’m only human after all!)–I sometimes think of Byron Katie, an author of several books on personal growth and development. I’m not an expert with her method, but I’m familiar with it and know that it’s a way for you–not your partner, not your family members, but you–to end your own suffering. She encourages people to express what frustrates them about other people, and then to “turn it around,” to turn it back on themselves. It’s not them, she’s saying. It’s you! I’m not going to show you her work–her own website is best for that–but here’s my own take on some of the situations I mentioned above:
You’re saying: “He’s so needy! I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?”
Look at it differently: How are you the one who’s needy? If he’s needy to the point of driving you crazy, why haven’t you confronted him yet? Are you afraid he’ll fall to pieces? And if he does (because he might!), are you afraid you won’t be able to handle that yourself? Do you need him to need you? Or is it something else…do you (when it comes right down to it) feel more comfortable with things as they are, rather than telling your partner what you truly want and need for yourself? It probably won’t be pretty, but is your partner’s “neediness” really a sign for you that there’s something you haven’t done, something you haven’t said, for your own sake? Look at it this way: how is your partner’s “neediness” really just a tap on your own shoulder, reminding you that there’s something you need to work out for yourself, or do for yourself?
You’re saying: “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.”
Look at it differently: OK, maybe you’re right. Maybe he told you exactly that! He’s a commitment-shy guy. But what does that mean for you? Do you have commitment issues? Is it possible that you’re waiting around for him to make a commitment because you yourself have some doubts, or feel a little ambivalent yourself? It’s not bad or wrong if you feel that way, but you might want to get in touch with that. What are you waiting for? It’s nice of you to give him time to come to you, time to work out his stuff and decide whether he wants to keep investing in a relationship with you. But there are no hard and fast rules about how long you must wait. “But no!” you might say. “If I don’t wait, if I break it off because he is so afraid of commitment, what if he hooks up with someone else ten minutes later?! I will have made a big mistake!” But is that really true? What are some other ways to look at it? Instead of worrying about rules and expectations, or what’s right and what’s wrong, ask yourself what you really want.
You’re saying: God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”
Look at it differently: How are you contributing to this problem? Are you afraid to tell her what you really think about your social life together? Are you afraid to tell her, “I love you, but I’d like to have some time alone, and also some time each week for just me and my friends.” Are you afraid that that sounds mean, or that she’ll freak out when you say it? Again, she might! You might be starting a fight if you do it. But even if that’s the case, are you afraid you can’t handle her reaction? If you are, then that’s something about you that you can think about. It’s something you can work on. It might be the next step in your own personal development. Think about using your relationship to strengthen yourself. It takes strength to lovingly confront another person, to tell them you feel frustrated, to ask them to work with you to change the way you two live your lives together. And it also builds strength to do this. It’s like weight-lifting. You’re building your relationship muscles by challenging yourself to confront your partner with your own feelings and thoughts, telling her exactly what it is that you want, for yourself.
