Your problem might be as simple as this: find out what your “monster” is, and face it. To explain what I mean, I’ll introduce you to Stella*, our older dog. Stella is not usually a fearful dog. She’s never been traumatized, and the care she receives from her humans is—well, let’s just say her humans are your typical eccentric dog maniacs! But Stella is afraid of bicycles. One day, as we were walking near a park, a young girl came toward us on her bike, saw Stella, shrieked, and braked to a stop inches from Stella’s front paws. Imagine this from Stella’s perspective: she’s a 24-pound Shiba Inu, so the girl on her bike looked to Stella the way a braking semi would look to us.

Ever since then, Stella has been terrified of bicycles, and a little nervous around children. Since we have neither children nor bicycles in our home, it hasn’t been enough of a problem to warrant extensive training. (And I want to stop here for a brief commercial break and endorse this dog trainer: Ahimsa Dog Training. They’re the best. Don’t go anywhere else!) *ahem* So, back to my blog! Bikes and kids (but mostly bikes) are what our trainer calls “monsters” for Stella. Big scary beasts that frighten her.

I mention all this because the “monster” metaphor is useful when we’re talking about human relationships. I recently asked a client, “What’s the ‘monster’ you’re avoiding?” The monster could be almost anything, and here are a few examples:

—If I am honest about what I want in the relationship, she might dump me, and I don’t think I can handle that.

—If I assert myself about something important, it’ll start a shouting match.

—If I tell my partner something really true about myself, something I don’t think he’ll like, he will reject or judge me.

Think about what your “monster” might be. It’s the thing that’s holding you back, the thing that you fear will happen, the thing you think you can’t handle. It’s easier to face it if you have a better idea what it is.

I’m willing to bet that your monsters are seriously holding you back. They really need to be faced if you want to feel more fulfilled in your life and relationships. You can keep avoiding them, keep managing your behavior with your partner to avoid the thing that scares you, and in the short term you will keep the peace and avoid pain. But that’s not the full you. It’s not the life you really want to lead. Facing and overcoming your monsters can be really painful, really frightening. But on the other side of the pain and fear is a fuller, richer life!

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*True dog lover’s confession: I’ve been trying for months to figure out a way to talk about my dogs in this blog, and am happy I found one! Look for our younger dog, Hoshi, in a future post.

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This entry was posted on Friday, February 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am and is filed under Being Your Best Self. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.