More on “my spouse needs counseling”
I posted today in response to a reader’s question about his wife’s refusal to go to counseling, and I have a little more to say about it. Why is it that people resist counseling? They’re upset, angry, depressed, frustrated…why not go to someone and work it out?
There are a few reasons. Sometimes they’ve had counseling before, and it hasn’t helped. Or they feel hopeless about the situation. Or, deep down, they feel comfortable where they are right now, despite all the anguish, because at least they have a worked-out way of seeing their problems, and they know (consciously or not) that counseling might shake things up. As upset as they are, it would be more upsetting to change, to grow.
And here’s another reason: sometimes people resist counseling because they think the counselor will tell them that they’re wrong to feel what they feel. They’re afraid they’ll be accused of “being the problem,” when they know in their bones that it’s their spouse’s drinking problem, or their co-worker’s immaturity problem, or their boss’s anger problem. “I am not the problem,” they tell themselves. “So why would I need to go to counseling?”
Here’s my take on it: if you think you’re not the problem, and that’s why you don’t want to go to counseling, I agree with you…and I also disagree with you. First, I agree: it’s not your drinking problem, it’s hers. You’re the more mature co-worker, not him. And your boss is a jerk. Seriously, there are plenty of people in your life–and circumstances in your life–that are upsetting and problematic for reasons that have nothing to do with you. That’s why counseling always needs to include basic listening and empathy and understanding. Your counselor should be able to say (truthfully), “I hear you.”
And I also think that you are, let’s face it, the problem. Your spouse drinks too much? There are probably things you’re doing in response to her drinking that could stand some improvement. Your co-worker is driving you crazy? There are probably things you’re doing that make it easier for him to get under your skin. Your boss is a jerk? There are probably things you’re doing that get in your own way and make it hard for you to navigate that difficult relationship.
It’s normal to resist counseling for all of the reasons stated above, and particularly because counseling will eventually confront you with things you’d rather not face. And–truth be told–counseling is not always the answer for some of us. Resistance to it is normal and understandable. But it might be worth a try, and it might be well worth the discomfort and pain.
