Non-defensive listening
As I’ve said before, John Gottman has lots of great ideas for couples who want to be happy and healthy. One of his best recommendations is to practice non-defensive listening. Problem is, non-defensive listening might be the hardest thing you’ll have to do in your relationship.
I think we’re hard-wired to be defensive. I would call it a survival skill, a relic from our evolutionary past. I need to preserve and protect myself if I want to survive long enough to procreate, and that means having strong defenses. I need to protect my resources, my shelter, my offspring…and (as human evolution creates complicated social dynamics) my reputation and self-esteem. If you’re mad at me because you think I slighted you, or was being selfish, or ate your Froot Loops, well, that’s not how I see it! So, naturally, I get defensive.
But we’re not done evolving, we humans. To listen non-defensively is another step in human development. It’s a major element of emotional maturity, and emotional maturity is a highly adaptive quality in a human being. You think I slighted you, and you know what? I can see why you think that. I was certainly not at my best when I came home last night. You think I was being selfish? Well, I think it’s true that I’ve been caught up in my own things lately. Why don’t I hit the store for more Froot Loops and we can talk more about it?
You don’t have to agree with your partner 100% when you’re practicing non-defensive listening. You don’t even have to agree 5% of the time. Your partner may be way, way off, accusing you unjustly of something you didn’t do, or think, or feel. But that’s your partner’s reality right now. It’s really helpful to hear her reality as her reality, and let her know that you understand what she’s saying. You may not agree, but you are open and available. You are listening non-defensively. And that creates an opportunity—and a motive—for your partner to listen to your reality. This is very hard! But it can transform your relationship.
