Wow is this staff meeting boring!
Have you ever been bored in a staff meeting at work? Some of you might answer, “Have I ever not been bored?!” In one of my “office” jobs, I sometimes found myself drifting off during staff meetings, and for a long time I didn’t think there was a different way to deal with staff meetings.
Then I learned more about the concept of “differentiation.” (I actually don’t like the word “differentiation”—it’s a Therapy Land kind of word, not something normal people use in conversation.) Here’s a plain-English definition of it: differentiation is being fully present, but not losing yourself. And here are some examples:
—In a partnership or dating relationship, to be differentiated is to be close to the other person emotionally, but also flexible, and grounded. The other person is freaking out? You might feel upset by that, but if you’re differentiated, you’re taking care of yourself—and soothing yourself—while the other person deals with their issues. You’re not running away and hiding. You’re staying fully present. But you’re also not losing yourself by anxiously trying to fix the other person or diffuse the situation.
—In a boring staff meeting (which sounds like something worlds away from the above example, but it’s really not!), to be differentiated is to notice your own resistance, which usually takes the form of daydreaming, or talking to your neighbor, or doodling, or checking your email, or…you know the drill. If you notice what you’re doing, you are then conscious of it and can try something different, something new. You can decide to turn your attention back to the person who’s speaking. Or you can listen to what’s being said and respond verbally with your own opinion. Or you can interject a comment like, “I think we’re getting off track. I’d like to go back to what we were discussing before.” You’re being fully present in the meeting, and not losing yourself in a cloud of daydreaming, restlessness, and exhausted frustration. You might notice that the “new you” in the staff meeting is much happier—and effective—than the old one.
I mention all this because our resistance—our lack of differentiation—can really cut into our enjoyment of life, work, and relationships. It’s hard to re-engage in a staff meeting, and even harder to stay fully present in a dynamic and sometimes-scary relationship. So take your time with it. Be kind to yourself. But also challenge yourself to notice your resistance, take a deep breath, and try something new.
