Lately I’ve been acquainting myself with an uncomfortable feeling: I’ve been going to workout classes at my health club and feeling incompetent.

Pathetic, even! The kickboxing class was challenging, invigorating…and mystifying. I’m a good verbal learner—I know how to read, write, and think my way through a problem—but I’m not a good visual learner. I can’t watch you do the kickboxing routine perfectly and quickly imitate your moves. Step aerobics: same thing. I kept at it—I stayed till the bitter end, dammit!—but I had to stay close to one particular move that I could do, and just keep doing it while the instructor taught to the top of the class. Spin class is much easier on the self-esteem, if not the body: I can’t humiliate myself too much when riding a stationary bike. Coming up: aquafit, so I’ll have a chance to look the fool and be half naked all at the same time!

Why am I doing this? Of course I want to get in shape, and there’s no better time for that than these long summer days, especially since I finished up a ton of work projects last month and have a lot more time. I always feel better when I’m at fighting weight, which is a very personal measurement, as I’m sure you know. We all tend to like a certain weight, a certain feeling, a certain look. I’m not far away from it, but I have to work at it.

But I’m also doing it because I think it’s healthy to do things one isn’t good at. As a therapist, I have to be highly competent in my job: I’m working with human beings in vulnerable, complicated situations in their lives. I have to be tip top! But step class? That’s a perfect opportunity to get used to the feeling of incompetence. I say this not because it’s fun or virtuous to feel silly or make a fool of yourself, but because it teaches you that you will spend your life getting better at things, so it’s good to cultivate a healthy humility about it. I’m always learning, and there’s a time in the trajectory of learning when the learner feels incompetent.

Which brings me to the work I do with clients. I often wonder (sometimes aloud, sometimes not…depends!) whether certain clients are highly uncomfortable with feeling incompetent. None of us likes the feeling, but some of us are deeply uncomfortable with it. So when they discover their incompetence at, say, relationship skills, they get resistant, distant, frustrated, even furious. Their partner has to drag them to counseling, and they sit there, arms folded, fending off the feeling that they’re just not that good at all this relationshippy-talky stuff. So I invite them to, well, look at it the way you’d look at a step aerobics class. (Unless you happen to be excellent at that!) Embrace your incompetence. Realize you’ve got a lot to learn, and everyone has been in this position. Take a deep breath, and start asking questions—of me, of your partner, and (most importantly) of yourself. What do you want to know? What do you want to learn? It’ll be hard to find out until you accept the fact that you’re not too good at this. (Yet!)

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Are you thinking about getting some counseling? Good idea! And if so, I suggest you stop wondering whether you need it, and definitely stop asking the question, “Are things bad enough that I need to go to counseling?”

I work alongside a couple of massage therapists in my little office complex, and sometimes I envy them. I envy how their field is understood by most people: anyone can say, “Oh, I had a massage today, and then I got a haircut, and the sun’s out, so…a great day!” But rarely will you hear someone say, “I set up a counseling appointment to work on my emotional-regulation problems, and to finally face the fact that I’m not being very mature in my relationship.” No, most people won’t say that, even though it would be a remarkably mature thing to say!

So that’s why most people look at counseling as a last-ditch effort to pull their little airplane out of its fiery plunge, or see it as something you do if—unless you get some counseling—your life or relationship is about to collapse.

I started seeing a therapist myself in May 2006, which is one of the reasons why I had enough confidence to leave a great job here and start my own private practice. I knew that I needed someone to help me get a better handle on myself, my goals, and some of the ordinary neurotic software that was still running in my very normal human mind. I wasn’t about to lose my partner, or my job. I wasn’t becoming self-destructive, and certainly wasn’t within a thousand miles of feeling suicidal. But I knew I needed a hand. I still see her, and these days we work on who I am, what kind of relationship I want to keep cultivating with my partner, how my beliefs and attitudes affect how I run my business, and so on. There’s always something to explore.

And often enough I feel like I’ve just had a massage when I leave her office. Take it from me: you aren’t “psycho” if you’re seeking counseling. If you’re taking this step, you’re probably one of the most mature and courageous people you know.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I risk hypocrisy by posting this, but I want to talk about the importance of rest and relaxation. I’ll admit up front that I’m a son of hardworking Midwestern parents, and I’ve taken their life lessons to heart. This means that I don’t really start relaxing on a vacation until perhaps the third or fourth day, and even then it’s hard to really let go of all the different concerns and issues that preoccupy me in my profession. But I keep working on this, and one way I do it is by meditating on the activities (or lack thereof) of other mammals.

Think about it: You don’t have to be a dog or cat companion to know that once the other (non-human) mammals on this planet have fed themselves, relieved their sexual needs, provided reasonable security, and found shelter, they just … lie around. If I surprise my dogs by coming home in the middle of the day, I find them snoozing. What is it about humans that we can’t just let it go on a regular basis?

I suggest that we post pictures around us that remind us of the restful wisdom of other mammals. This is one of the reasons I like to take pictures of my dogs at rest. It reminds me to get over myself and plan for weekly times of R&R. Ideally, we would all unplug at least one full day per week. If you’re feeling stressed and exhausted, stop for a moment and recognize that the non-human mammals around you, well, they think it’s odd that you’re not napping!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

First, sorry for the long blog silence: I was a trainer at a week-long conference, then on vacation. At the conference—which was about organizational development—we talked a lot about three possible reasons why change doesn’t happen in organizations: dissatisfaction isn’t high enough, the people don’t have a strong enough vision, or there isn’t enough awareness of the first steps they need to make for change to happen.

Naturally, I thought about this in my work with clients (and, as it happens, in my own personal goal-setting). Here’s how you can apply it to yourself and your relationship:

1. Is change not happening because you’re not dissatisfied enough? As much as you might be upset about the state of your relationship, your health, or your career, you might also feel comfortable with the overall state of things, and therefore unwilling to change. An obvious example of this is the frustration people suffer around weight loss: it’s hard to not eat the French fries because as much as you want to look and feel better, you’re not so dissatisfied with how you look and feel that you’re willing to push the plate away from you.

2. Do you lack a strong vision of the future you want? I got some good advice when I started my private practice a few years ago: I was told to envision my ideal client, the person (or persons) with whom I most want to work. I’m not everyone’s therapist, and not everyone is my client, so to design my business successfully, I had to clarify my vision.

3. Are you having trouble identifying first steps for change? Maybe you’re frustrated in your career, but you’re stuck because you’ve never been in this particular situation before, and you can’t figure out what to do today and tomorrow to change it. You feel the dull drag of your daily tasks, or the pressure of a difficult boss, and you sit at your desk, thinking, “Now what?”

If any of these three situations is a problem for you, then it’s going to be hard to overcome your natural (and even healthy) resistance to change. In counseling, I’ve worked with clients on all three problems, depending on the situation. (Often enough, the typical person—myself included—is working on at least two of them.) Which one is bogging you down?

And if you want some background on the organizational-development theory behind all this, here it is!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

This week I’m working as one of the trainers in an organizational-development training program for leaders of not-for-profit organizations. When the trainers got together last weekend, we went around the room and said what we do in our “day jobs.” I said that I’m a therapist who works with couples and individuals, and mentioned that I also work with teenagers and their parents on various problems, most notably substance abuse. I added that I found this work highly enjoyable.

Today one of the trainers asked me, “Why is it fun for you to work with teenagers, particularly teenagers who are smoking pot or abusing other drugs?” Aside from the possibility that I’m just weird that way, here’s my answer:

Teens and their parents are a great example of culture clash and its impact on relationships. If the parents (or sole parent) finds herself in a power struggle with her pot-smoking teenage son, I help them work on their relationship first, whether or not the teenager ends up giving up marijuana. If you’re a parent of a young adult, you know full well that there is precious little control you have over many decisions and choices your son or daughter makes. This is particularly true when we’re talking about marijuana, alcohol, and other drugs.

But you do have control (some control, that is) over your relationship with your children. If your teenager is smoking pot, failing classes, breaking curfew (what curfew?!), and generally driving you crazy, you can experiment with the following changes to your approach:

1. Take care of yourself, move at a walking pace, and try not to overreact to your child’s behavior.
2. Notice the behaviors and comments your child is offering–behaviors and comments you like–and respond to them gracefully. Don’t overdo it: teenagers tend to distrust and dislike compliments, even though they need plenty of validation from others; you’ll have to figure out how to support them “under the radar” so that they receive the praise without necessarily knowing they received it.
3. Be a visible part of the good experiences your child is having. Tie all rewards (allowance, privileges, etc.) to specific behaviors your son or daughter has done, and tell them about it. For example, you could say, “I’m giving you this part of your allowance because you came home by 11:00 last night,” or “I’m letting you go camping with your friends because you asked me so respectfully.” Make ordinary, ho-hum statements like this (avoid excessive enthusiasm!) and be consistent. Soon your child will understand that it pays to do what you want!
4. Get in touch with your “philosophy of parenting,” that is, your whole reason for being a parent in the first place. Take time to reflect on your motivations for playing this role, and how you can live out your motivations in your relationship with your child.

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a good sample of the things I work on when parents and teenage men and women come in for counseling. We don’t always solve every problem, but improved relationships are incredibly powerful.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

If you’ve ever had counseling, you most likely experienced negative or critical thoughts and feelings about your therapist. I’ve worked with fantastic therapists myself, and even they will strike a wrong note, or just say the wrong thing, in our work together. What to do?

Simple: tell the therapist. If you think I’m taking us into a topic or issue that’s not interesting, not helpful, or just plain irritating, let me know. Hard as I try, I’m not perfect and might take us down a path that just isn’t right. Not only is it okay for you to let me know, it’s actually a fundamental dimension of good therapy. It could even be a breakthrough moment for you: by confronting me with your concern about our work together, you gain experience connecting with another person on a difficult and painful topic. It’s a chance to practice courageous and healthy honesty. It’s good for both of us!

Often enough I can sense that we’re off track, and I’ll beat you to the punch. “Are you mad?” I asked a client a few weeks ago. “Yeah,” she said. “Are you mad at me?” “Yes,” she replied. And the conversation that followed was probably one of the most helpful experiences she had in our work together.

So…let me have it!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Like a lot of people I know, I don’t keep a regular journal. I used to pretend I was the journaling type—after all, I’m a therapist. Aren’t we supposed to be the kind of people who keep long and profound journals?? So I’d buy a journal in the new year, find it collecting dust months later, and feel frustrated. Now I’ve just accepted it: I don’t keep a journal. But I do do product-cloud journaling from time to time.

Product clouds look like this. They’re simply a list of things or products, organized in the rough shape of a cloud. The font size of each object in the cloud depends on the popularity or importance of the object. A product cloud of 2008 presidential candidates, for example, would have ‘Obama’ and ‘McCain’ in large font sizes (Obama would be somewhat larger than McCain), and ‘Kucinich’ much smaller. ‘Clinton’ would be nearly as large as McCain. You get the idea. And for a non-journaling person like me, this is a great way to get things off my mind and onto paper.

Normally, if I can just get all the things on my mind disgorged onto a notepad, I can think, feel, and act with clarity. I don’t need to reflect at length on my life, or my career, or my relationships. I just need to clear out all the little things going on in my head. Here’s an example of a cloud I wrote this morning (click on the image for a larger view):

You can see, then, that laundry just needs to happen tonight, and that I’ll be doing something about my checkbook and paperwork today, even if I don’t make it to the grocery store. After doing this cloud, I felt a lot more organized, and the “sluggish Monday feeling” was almost gone. (Almost. It’s still a little early in the day.)

Oh, and here’s one more rule about this journaling technique: you are free to do it whenever you like. You don’t have to do it daily, or at all. If the spirit moves you, give it a try. I say this because a lot of my clients are like I used to be: they think they’re “supposed to” do these kinds of self-help things, and the “supposed-to” obligation short-circuits the whole thing, making it just another task, another product in the cloud. Give it a try if you like, or…don’t! Either way, I wish you a non-sluggish Monday.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Long ago—nearly half my lifetime ago!—I had two cats. I was working as an administrative assistant at the time, in Minneapolis, and every other week or so, I would take time over lunch to go to the high-end pet store around the corner from my office. I’d purchase expensive organic cat food, and then head back up the street for my own lunch. And where did I often go for lunch? McDonald’s.

Huh???

I remember noticing this at the time and laughing at myself: why was I feeding my cats better than I fed myself? Why was their health more important than my own? And now that I have dogs, I am noticing some of the same patterns, even if the choices I make are slightly different. If I have that third glass of wine and feel less-than-stellar the next morning, I notice that my dogs feel just fine and are enjoying the morning walk. If I overeat, or overwork, or let myself get caught up in the daily stress of being a human, I’ll come home and see that my dogs had been napping contentedly all day.

To some degree, of course, this is inevitable: it’s the humans in my house who have to earn the money, pay the bills, do the laundry (I haven’t figured out how to train the dogs on that one, alas), and so on. But I have a lot of control over my life…a lot more than I sometimes assume. Sometimes that third glass of wine was a good choice, and worth the morning-after feeling. But other times I need to be conscious of my need for a good night’s sleep, something that my dogs enjoy every night of the year.

This self-care test is simple, and it suggests immediate solutions. If your dog is living better than you, there are steps you can take today to improve your daily routines. (And if you don’t have a dog, don’t you think you should get one?)

Hoku and Stella, living their happy lives.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Ever since my mother died in June 1996, I haven’t been a fan of Mother’s Day. I expect you understand. Even before her death, it wasn’t a major day because my mother never expressed very much enthusiasm about it. But I do keep the day, in various ways. I know other mothers in my life, and sometimes I honor them (SC and SL, it’s your turn this year!). And I think about mothering itself—about generativity, creativity, giving birth to things. And I think about my own mother.

I read two essays on Mother’s Day this morning in slate.com, and they’re both great. The first is closer to my experience: a person in early-middle life who misses her mother and muses on Mother’s Day. (The “Deathbed Menu” line is terrific!) And the second article is even more fun: a lesbian mom who wants the day all to herself and has to tussle with her partner for the honors of motherhood in the life of their young daughter.

Whoever you are, and whoever (or wherever in the universe) your mother is, I hope you can enjoy these spring days of birth, nurturing, and new life. Happy Mother’s Day.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I’ve worked with lots of clients who belong to blended families—both parents and kids. These days, it seems blended families are the new normal. If “The Brady Bunch” were televised today, it would hardly be a surprising premise. Two people, both of whom have kids from previous marriages, hook up. *Yawn* But in its day, I suppose, “The Brady Bunch” was radical.

Too bad it was a simplistic fantasy of a blended family, nothing like the real thing.

When blended families form, often enough the people involved don’t know how complicated the relationships can be. If you and I get married, and we both already have kids, you are not automatically going to be recognized as a parent by my kids. (And vice versa.) And in many ways, you shouldn’t. They already know who their parents are, or were. To the best of my recollection, “The Brady Bunch” never let its viewers know what happened to the girls’ dad or the boys’ mom. They just hooked up as an intact family and never looked back. But we all know it can’t be this simple. “You’re not my real dad!” you can imagine Jan saying to the befuddled Mike Brady. And she’s right: he’s not. Let’s have some respect for the perspectives of kids in blended families who know in their bones that parenting relationships in these situations need to be negotiated.

So if you’re a member of a blended family, and feel frustrated that your spouse—or your child, or your spouse’s child—is behaving badly, take a step back and give everyone (including yourself) a break. Blended families need time to negotiate the new relationships and make sense of a very unfamiliar new family structure.

(Having said all that, I confess I enjoyed “The Brady Bunch” when I saw it in reruns in the seventies. If only because they made a trip to Hawaii look awesome!)

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!