I’m still working through my two-week training on organizational development, and in the course of our work I came across a great quotation from a friend and mentor of mine, Melissa Skelton. She was writing about the challenges and benefits of listening–the challenges and benefits of two married or partnered people listening to each other, two groups listening to each other, or anyone who feels they’re in relationship with someone else, trying as best they can to listen to that person.

Why do it? Why listen? Why should we take time and spend energy drawing close to another person, or another group, particularly if they are in opposition to us, and if it’s all too easy to fight with them? Here’s what she says:

“[Let's say] you’re in the middle of a conversation with your spouse, and it’s one of those recurring conversations where you always come out in different places and walk away reconfirmed about how different you are from each other. [But] what would it be like for both of you to not completely yield who you are to each other but to make a decision that in the conversation, each [of you] will allow him or herself to be affected by the other–will allow the outcome to be shaped by both? This is what it might mean to be constrained by love” (italics mine).

Constrained by love–that can be a confusing phrase. I think it means this: to open yourself up to another person, which means to be (in some ways) constrained, or surrendered, to that person. It doesn’t mean “surrendered” in the sense of “they win, I lose.” It means simply to be open to that person–even though being open to them means to be bent toward them, leaning into them, being influenced and changed by them. Does it mean being destroyed or oppressed or squashed by them? Of course not. But it does involve cost!

Let me ask you: is it worth it?

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Sorry for the lack of postings lately–I’m attending a two-week conference on organizational development and trying to keep up with my usual work, so it’s a busy time!

I thought I’d share a couple of things I’ve learned at the conference. Much of the learning is experiential: instead of a series of lectures, we’re learning how to work with groups and larger organizations by doing role-plays and then giving each other feedback about our skills and behavior.

I’ve been experimenting with being more assertive in these activities. Even though we’re not acting in the sense that we’re supposed to use our real selves in the role-plays, it’s an opportunity to experiment with new or growing-edge behaviors, and get feedback in a learning setting.

I’m glad to say that even though I’m taking risks and being more assertive in these work groups, I’m not driving people too crazy! (Though the conference ain’t over yet!) I’m learning that there’s a whole range of behaviors and interventions that I’ve used over the years but would do well to explore further. As a therapist, it’s easy to soak up the culture’s assumptions about what therapists are “supposed” to act like (you know–warm, kind, supportive) and neglect other skills that most people really need therapists to use, such as a willingness to carefully–but firmly–challenge or confront people with the stuff they really need to work on.

I’m hoping to integrate what I’ve learned not just into my professional life, but also in areas of my personal life where my “full self” or “best self” is a more assertive self. I suppose the danger is that I’ll start driving everyone crazy! But a key part of this learning is to hear and respond to the feedback of others, so as long as I stay tuned in to others, I should be okay. And when you think about it, what do you think really drives people crazy–hiding your true self, or being your true self?!

In a fun sidenote for all you MBTI fans out there, I retook the test, and I’m an extravert! I’ve always been a “fence” introvert, but in the last couple of years I’ve jumped the fence and am a (slight) E. My full type is ENTJ, which is the best type of course. (Kidding!) It’s been weird but also liberating to look at my preferences as an extravert. I still have a lot of introvert preferences, but I’m aware of how energized I am by connecting with other people, too. An extravert friend of mine is an intern trainer at this conference, so she’s having a lot of fun welcoming me to her team and introducing me to the E culture!

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In the first few years of my career I worked primarily with teenagers and kids. I still see a few clients from these age groups, but not as many as I saw when I worked for mental-health agencies. Weekly–sometimes daily–I would hear someone say that my clients needed “anger management.” This is one of those phrases from Therapy Land that has found its way into popular culture: almost everyone knows what “anger management” is, and almost everyone thinks it’s a good thing, even if they wouldn’t be caught dead taking an anger management class.

At the risk of offending many good professionals in my field, I say: think twice before taking one of these classes. (Often enough, if you’re taking one, you’re being forced to, so you don’t have the luxury of thinking twice. But keep reading!) Whether you’re being forced to take anger management or you’re just angry a lot and someone in your life has said, “Wow, you need anger management!” it’s important to remember a few things about anger:

1) Anger, like all emotions, is neither bad nor good. It has no moral value. It is a psychophysiological response by your mind and body to circumstances around you. I like the definition of anger (included in the work of Marsha Linehan) that says anger is simply the emotion you feel when something is in your way. That’s it.

2) Anger is often useful. It can tell you a lot about your situation, yourself, other people, and what your options are. It’s hard to see how, say, road rage is useful. But even if you’re experiencing road rage, the emotion might be telling you that you are too stressed out, that you need to take a minute–or a few minutes, or an hour, or a day–to work through something, or simply take a break.

3) There are no “angry people.” There are people who get angry quite often, and people who nurse grudges or hatreds for years at a time, but again, anger is an emotional response, not a personality trait. Senator Jim Webb might disagree. He’s a champion of the Scots-Irish culture, a culture that embraces anger in a particular way, and for particular cultural reasons. But even in a culture like that, where anger is a powerful cultural phenomenon, an individual person is capable of not being angry.

4) Like many emotions, anger is not designed to be chronic. If you are nursing a grudge for long lengths of time, you should know that you’re probably doing more harm to yourself than the person who originally hurt you. This is why I agree with the idea behind anger management, if not the specific methods or intended outcomes of anger management.

5) Finally, my case against anger management. (And I would love to be proven wrong about this!) Over the years I’ve seen that many of my clients find anger management either ineffective or counter-productive. It’s usually ineffective, particularly with teenage boys. They go to anger management classes, but they don’t seem to come out with much at the end. It becomes another irritant for them, and another thing their parents are expected to enforce, which (ask any parent) is the last thing they need. The counter-productive outcome occurs when anger management classes teach people not how to understand and make use of their anger, with the goal of resolving it, but rather how to squelch their anger or find some way to define it as wrong, bad, or useless.

So if you feel you have an anger problem, by all means take steps to address it. You could even sign up for an anger management course! But look at the materials–or talk to the course leader. Find out if they help you understand and deal with your anger, with respect for the fact that it is a useful and normal human emotion.

Finally, if you’ve struggled with anger and learned something about yourself, or about emotions, or relationships, please comment on this blog. I’d love to hear (and share) your story with other normal humans who sometimes get angry.

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Just a note to clients who use my online scheduler: I’m attending a two-week training on organizational development during the last two weeks of June, so most of my weekday appointment times are not available. I will be offering other times on those days, such as 7:00 p.m. appointments, but the online scheduler template doesn’t reflect that, so just give me a call or email me if you’d like to come in and can’t find a time on the scheduler. I’m here!

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Today is June 6, and currently the temperature in Seattle is 47 degrees. Yes, that’s 47 degrees Fahrenheit! All this February weather has gotten me thinking about Seasonal Affect Disorder, which is real, in case you want to know. I’m originally from Minnesota, so in all honesty I’m not profoundly affected by the weather. I’ve seen worse! But it takes its toll. Especially when it feels like this pattern is a part of Global Weirding. It’s a little scary to take the dogs out in early June and bundle up like it’s still the middle of winter.

So…here’s something else that can cheer us all up. (Or at least me.) Like pretty much everybody else, I’ve been watching political events unfold this week with almost obsessive interest. I’ve been checking and re-checking my favorite political blogs–my favorite? that’s easy…go here–and following every breaking news story about Obama clinching the nomination, Clinton bowing out, and everything in between.

As I’ve been watching this historic election, I’ve felt more and more optimistic, more and more hopeful, about the direction our country is taking. And I’ve even dared to look forward to seeing clients in November. Why? Because I remember seeing clients in November 2004, and it was a hard, hard time back then. It’s no secret that I live and work in the indigo-blue city of Seattle, so the 2004 election returns were not good news for most of my clients. And for some of them, they were seriously depressing. (For a few, they were dangerously depressing!) I was really concerned, both personally and professionally, about how things were going on a national scale.

I mention all of this primarily because–as I said–I’m feeling optimistic and hopeful about current events, despite all the terrifying problems like cyclones, earthquakes, political upheaval, terrorism, global “weirding,” and so on. I’m optimistic and hopeful because I really think our nation is about to turn the page on rhetoric and policies that haven’t helped us face these problems.

But I also mention it because I’m trained as a “systems” therapist, meaning I do not see individual mood problems (for instance) simply as an individual’s problem. When someone tells me she’s dangerously depressed by election returns, I take her word for it. I don’t assume she’s just clinically depressed. I don’t assume she just has something “wrong with her brain.” I know better. Big events have big effects on individual people.

So if you have the misfortune of living and working in 47-degree weather today, take a moment to check out your favorite political blog. Things are looking up!

(Knock on wood!)

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I’ve been a therapist long enough (ten years this summer) to remember the days when people didn’t use email regularly, let alone text messaging. These days (I know, I sound so old saying “These days”!) people tell me that they’re having intimate conversations about serious problems…on email. Or they’re getting confronted by their partners about relationship issues…in text messages.

I guess I feel like being blunt today: I think this is a bad trend. Call me a dinosaur, but I think email and texting should be used for the following things: 1) business; and 2) fun. Everything else should be live and in person. Why? Because (and this is just my opinion, but hey, it’s my blog!) when you’re dealing with serious issues or emotional problems, it’s almost impossible to express yourself well in email or by texting your partner. An additional reason is that your words will be put in print, and you won’t know who will see them or what interpretations they’ll make when they read your words. Finally, my third reason is that it’s all too easy to duck when you’re communicating this way. It’s hard to look someone in the eye and tell them something they don’t want to hear. It’s hard to sit with someone in person and hold yourself accountable for your actions. It’s hard. But it’s also the right thing to do.

One last note about this. So far I’ve been advising you not to do this yourself, but it works the other way too. If your partner is texting you about serious stuff, I encourage you to assert your preference for a face-to-face conversation. Think about responding to emails with phone calls or other more direct contacts whenever the email contains negative or emotionally “hot” content. And when you reach the other person, say, “I want to talk about this with you, but I want to do it in person.” You’re worth it, and so is your relationship.

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In the film “Primary Colors,” Kathy Bates plays Libby, a character who finds out some dark (and disappointing) truths about her friends, a married couple based on Bill and Hillary Clinton. One of the many memorable lines in the film is Libby’s comment about couples and cheating: “It’s never the one who cheats who goes to hell,” she said. “It’s the one he cheated on.”

I think of this line sometimes when I’m working with people who just found out that their partner has had an affair. Sometimes the affair brings out the worst in a person: rage, despair, more rage, and a deep desire for revenge. But more often it’s a lot more complicated than that. There’s usually a lot of anger, but there’s also (in no particular order) self-doubt, sadness, confusion, shock, more sadness, and anger at one’s self for “being so clueless” or “not reading the signs.” How do you sort it all out?

First, take a breath. Just take a moment and get back in touch with the most simple things–the most simple gifts–in your life, like your breath, your heart, your health, your own basic self. Your partner did this, yes. But you still have yourself. Try to “return to the center” or practice a form of spiritual centering that works for you. (And repeat when necessary!)

Then, try to see your partner’s behavior as just that: your partner’s behavior. It’s not about your attractiveness (or lack thereof). It’s not about mistakes you made, or things you did, even if your partner says it is–or even if you think so yourself! “You drove me away!” your partner might say. But that’s not true. Your partner freely chose to have the affair. If you “drove your partner away,” that only means your partner gave you the power to do so.

As you continue to work through your pain, think about following a step-by-step process of acceptance and healing. I often recommend the book, “How Can I Forgive You?” by Janis Abrahms Spring (see the link below). This book offers more than one way to recover from an affair, whether or not you stay together as a couple, and whether or not your partner wants to cooperate with your recovery.

It can be easy for you, if your partner had an affair, to “go to hell”–by which I mean you create your own hellish existence as you struggle with your confusion, outrage, and hurt feelings. Take time to soothe yourself and work on your own “stuff” during this difficult time. Eventually you may find that the affair is a way for you to learn about yourself and do the hard but rewarding work of self-development.

“He cheated, not me. What’s wrong with me?” Nothing. Nothing at all. And you won’t always feel this upset. I can’t promise you’ll still be a couple when all of this is over, but I can promise that there is a lot you can learn–about yourself–during this difficult time.

Here’s the link to the Abrahms Spring book:

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First: my usual disclaimer: This is a post in the Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics series. It’s just for fun, intended for your entertainment! So I hope you enjoy it.

I thought I should take on a song that has unhealthy lyrics but is also a song I enjoy. So without further ado, here’s “Wishin’ and Hopin’,” sung by Ani DiFranco. (And how great is it that it’s sung by Ani DiFranco?!) Below the lyrics you’ll find my critique.

Wishin’, and hopin’, and thinkin’, and prayin’,
plannin’ and dreamin’ each night of his charms.
That won’t get you into his arms.

So if you’re looking to find love you can share,
all you gotta do is hold him, and kiss him, and love him,
and show him that you care.

Show him that you care–just for him.
Do the things that he likes to do.
Wear your hair just for him,
cause you won’t get him thinkin’, and prayin’,
wishin’, and hopin’–

just wishin’, and hopin’, and thinkin’, and prayin’,
plannin’, and dreamin’ his kisses will start–
that won’t get you into his heart!

So if you’re thinking how great true love is,
all you gotta do is hold him, and kiss him,
and squeeze him, and love him…
Just do it! And after you do,
you will be his!

[repeat]

OK. So here’s where I’m supposed to critique this great work of art–whoops I mean this insulting sexist jingle. Except it’s hilarious! It’s the perfect unhealthy pop song because it’s aware of how screwed up it is, and just wallows in it! So as much as this might disappoint you, I’m not going to tear it apart, and I certainly am not going to rewrite the lyrics. They’re perfect just as they are. If you really want to have a healthy relationship, do NOT take this song’s advice. But you knew that already, right? So just enjoy it, and give credit where it’s due to the genius who is Ms. Ani DiFranco.

And Happy Friday!

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Anyone who’s been in a romantic or committed relationship (those aren’t mutually exclusive adjectives! It’s just that some people say “romantic,” and some say “committed”)–anyone who’s been in a relationship of this kind can tell you that when they have relationship problems, it’s all too easy to see how the other person’s issues are causing the problem. “He’s so needy!” they’ll say. “I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?!” Or, “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.” Or, “God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”

When I hear these things in my work–or in my personal life (I’m only human after all!)–I sometimes think of Byron Katie, an author of several books on personal growth and development. I’m not an expert with her method, but I’m familiar with it and know that it’s a way for you–not your partner, not your family members, but you–to end your own suffering. She encourages people to express what frustrates them about other people, and then to “turn it around,” to turn it back on themselves. It’s not them, she’s saying. It’s you! I’m not going to show you her work–her own website is best for that–but here’s my own take on some of the situations I mentioned above:

You’re saying: “He’s so needy! I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?”
Look at it differently: How are you the one who’s needy? If he’s needy to the point of driving you crazy, why haven’t you confronted him yet? Are you afraid he’ll fall to pieces? And if he does (because he might!), are you afraid you won’t be able to handle that yourself? Do you need him to need you? Or is it something else…do you (when it comes right down to it) feel more comfortable with things as they are, rather than telling your partner what you truly want and need for yourself? It probably won’t be pretty, but is your partner’s “neediness” really a sign for you that there’s something you haven’t done, something you haven’t said, for your own sake? Look at it this way: how is your partner’s “neediness” really just a tap on your own shoulder, reminding you that there’s something you need to work out for yourself, or do for yourself?

You’re saying: “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.”
Look at it differently: OK, maybe you’re right. Maybe he told you exactly that! He’s a commitment-shy guy. But what does that mean for you? Do you have commitment issues? Is it possible that you’re waiting around for him to make a commitment because you yourself have some doubts, or feel a little ambivalent yourself? It’s not bad or wrong if you feel that way, but you might want to get in touch with that. What are you waiting for? It’s nice of you to give him time to come to you, time to work out his stuff and decide whether he wants to keep investing in a relationship with you. But there are no hard and fast rules about how long you must wait. “But no!” you might say. “If I don’t wait, if I break it off because he is so afraid of commitment, what if he hooks up with someone else ten minutes later?! I will have made a big mistake!” But is that really true? What are some other ways to look at it? Instead of worrying about rules and expectations, or what’s right and what’s wrong, ask yourself what you really want.

You’re saying: God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”
Look at it differently: How are you contributing to this problem? Are you afraid to tell her what you really think about your social life together? Are you afraid to tell her, “I love you, but I’d like to have some time alone, and also some time each week for just me and my friends.” Are you afraid that that sounds mean, or that she’ll freak out when you say it? Again, she might! You might be starting a fight if you do it. But even if that’s the case, are you afraid you can’t handle her reaction? If you are, then that’s something about you that you can think about. It’s something you can work on. It might be the next step in your own personal development. Think about using your relationship to strengthen yourself. It takes strength to lovingly confront another person, to tell them you feel frustrated, to ask them to work with you to change the way you two live your lives together. And it also builds strength to do this. It’s like weight-lifting. You’re building your relationship muscles by challenging yourself to confront your partner with your own feelings and thoughts, telling her exactly what it is that you want, for yourself.

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Well–I think I need to revisit an old post on “empathy, sympathy, and compassion.”

Recently I heard from commenter “ianstrever,” who said this in response to my blog post: “You got this completely wrong. The latin roots explain the difference. Empathy contains the root of ‘em’ or ‘in.’ Thus, to empathize with someone means to be ‘in’ the same situation; to feel what they feel. Sympathy contains the root ’sym/syn’ or ‘like.’ Therefore, the sympathetic person has been in a situation that is like the one someone else is experiencing, but it is not exactly the same thing.”

Not being one who wants to get stuff like this wrong, I consulted dictionary.com, and here’s what I found (bold-face emphasis added by me):

empathy–noun. 1. The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. 2. The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

sympathy–noun. 1. Harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. [...] 3. The fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble, fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration. [...] 7. Psychology. A relationship between persons in which the condition of one induces a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.

First, let’s set aside the argument about Latin roots–I’m more interested in how the words are understood and used by American English-speaking people today, even if our usage departs from the original meaning of the words.

It’s not a perfect fit, but I think these definitions support my original post: empathy is the act of understanding another person’s feelings or experiences or perspectives–”I get that you’re upset. It makes sense to me.” But one doesn’t have to share the feelings or experiences or perspectives. As it says in the definition above, empathy is the intellectual identification with another person. (And yet, the definition also says an empathic person could be having a “vicarious experiencing of” the other person’s feelings, so the waters are still a bit muddy!)

And as for sympathy, my original definition understood sympathy as sharing the feelings of another, not simply having an intellectual understanding of the feelings. “You’re upset,” a sympathetic person would say, “and I am too!” This is borne out in the definition above: “harmony of or agreement in feeling,” “the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another,” “a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.”

I was originally drawing on the work of David Burns when I wrote the post on empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I believe his understanding of empathy is consistent with my definition–it’s the act of understanding another person, if not sharing the other person’s feelings or perspective. As I said above, these definitions from dictionary.com don’t fully clarify things…the definition of empathy allows for at least a little bit of what I’d call sympathy, and the definition of sympathy allows for a little bit of compassion! But I’ll stand by my original post and continue using these three words like this:

1. Empathy: I get you.
2: Sympathy: I get you, and I share your feeling.
3: Compassion: I get you, and I want to help you.

And thanks to “ianstrever,” who challenged me to check my work and clarify my thoughts. S/he probably still disagrees with me, but it’s always good to think these things through!

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