Yes, but this is a good question. Some people legitimately think it’s appropriate for therapists not to charge for their first session. After all, what if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m not a good fit for you? No therapist can (honestly) promise that the fit will be perfect. Like all human relationships, it’s not an exact science.

Even if that’s the case, in my experience the first visit can often accomplish a lot for you. Just to name one thing, the first visit is (usually) the first chance you’ve had in a long time to get your problems off your chest, to talk to someone–someone who’s really listening–about your problems. And that’s therapeutic. Even if we’re not a good fit, you’ll likely walk away feeling a little bit better.

And there’s more. First visits include lots of questions by me about what’s going on for you, what’s bothering you, who you call your family, what your workplace is like, and so on. But this isn’t just a way for me to gather information about you. It’s also a way for you to tell your story, just the way you want to tell it. And sometimes, in telling our stories, we get started on the process of changing them. Have you ever been in the middle of telling people something significant about yourself, and you suddenly realize something new, something you haven’t thought before, about your situation? That can happen in our first session.

And finally, I rarely (if ever) let anyone leave their first session without doing some in-session therapy work, and taking home a few things to think about and work on. So even though I charge for my first appointment, I assure you–the work I put you through is worth it!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Most often when we’re in a relationship, we feel we need to check things out, fix things, understand why the other person is upset, listen, respond…you know, do all those things therapists love to tell us to do! But then there are times when–and I say this as a therapist, not just someone in a relationship!–it’s okay to let the other person take care of their hurt feelings. Even if their hurt feelings are about you.

That’s right. Think about some of the times when you’ve been mad at your partner, or your partner’s been mad at you. Often enough, it’s an issue worth discussing, a problem worth solving. Maybe your partner misunderstood you, or maybe you’re upset because your partner said something you thought was insensitive. It might be a good idea to check it out. Checking it out is usually better than stewing about it…right?

Well, a lot of the time. But sometimes I work with couples who seem to be “check-it-out perfectionists.” No negative feeling goes unexamined. No hurt feeling goes unaddressed. And I think, well, I think they’re taking all this a little bit too far. Sometimes a person is just upset. That’s all. They’re having a bad day, or they didn’t like what you said, or they’re just not that into you right at this particular moment, and the best thing for you to do is to let it lie. Let them take care of it.

But…! You might say. But, I’m right, and he’s wrong!! Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to defend myself? Sorry, that sounds defensive… Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to (hmmm, what’s a nice therapy word…?) respond? Well, yeah, most times. But maybe not this time. Think about giving your partner a little space once in a while to be mad at you–or think about giving yourself a little space once in a while to be mad at your partner–without having to do the whole Therapy Routine. Don’t worry about “active listening” or “responding vs. reacting” or “empathic communication.” Just let them take care of it.

And guess what? If you do–if you let them (and yourself) take care of it on their own (or on your own) every once in a while, it’s good practice. It’s good self-soothing, self-parenting, self-care. It’s adult stuff. That way, when you two run into a bigger issue that really needs to be dealt with by both of you, you’ll both be better able to hold onto yourselves during the encounter. You’ll both be better able to take an adult stance while wrestling with your issues.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Often I work with clients on the concept of Radical Acceptance. One problem with this is that it sounds clinical and hard: “Radical Acceptance”…what’s that? So I’ll use my basement as an example of how you can use Radical Acceptance to feel better and live better:

Right now, my basement has several issues: a cluttered tool counter, unfolded linens, unorganized boxes of personal papers, water-damaged junk, and a weird smell coming from behind a chest of drawers. Today, Monday, is my day off. If I chose, I could worry about my basement and make a plan to tackle it. When I start planning by worrying, though, it often goes like this: I make a big list and plan to do hours of work, then get about a half-hour’s work done and somehow get distracted. And then, at the end of my day off, I feel frustrated with myself and can’t stop thinking about my basement.

So I’m approaching it this way, using Radical Acceptance: right now, today, as it is, my basement is perfect. The linens aren’t supposed to be folded right now. The smell isn’t so bad, and I don’t have to hang out in that area too much anyway. The personal papers are in boxes, and their condition is ideal–for today. If I feel like it, I might go down there and straighten something up. And if I do, then my basement will once again be perfect–for that moment, for that time of the day.

Radical Acceptance is about surrendering completely to the situation you’re in right now. Most of the time it has to do with really upsetting situations, such as: you’re racing to the ER with a bad cut on your hand, the pain is throbbing, and you run into traffic. There’s nothing you can do. Radical Acceptance means surrendering to the situation, taking deep breaths, soothing yourself, and allowing yourself to experience the situation without getting frantic and upset about it.

There are other examples. You might be coping with a terrible loss, a death of someone close to you or a traumatic event in your life. Radical Acceptance is a way for you to go forward with that loss, not denying it, but also not frantically resisting it and fighting it.

My basement is a much less dramatic example, but it’s the same principle: do I need to clean the basement today? No. And if I don’t, will it still be a great day? Yes. Right now, right at this moment, my basement is perfect. My day off is perfect.

Enjoy your perfect day!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Something I do with almost every client is this: we pore over our calendars to find a date for our next meeting. Many of you have regular appointments, but others can’t do that because of changing work schedules. It can be crazy! So I’m happy to say I found a cartoon (click on thumbnail below) which was published twelve years ago and has stayed with me ever since. Let’s just say I’m glad they finally found a date for their meeting!

Happy Fourth of July everyone. Be safe, and if you’re in the mood, do this.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I recently posted on the MBTI, a personality-type indicator that helps people understand their preferred way of living, making decisions, perceiving the world, and getting energized. I wasn’t sure what to make of the fact that when I took the MBTI last month, I tested as an extravert for the first time. I wasn’t sure I was truly an “ENTJ.” That is, I wasn’t sure until I got to know more about the dark side of the ENTJ. (Wow, I really see myself in it!)

“Dark side” is probably not a term the MBTI folks want me to use when describing what they call the “fourth function” in personality types. But since MBTI is based on Jungian theory, and since Jung himself had a lot to say about the shadow archetype, I’ll blur the lines a bit and use the phrase “dark side” to describe what happens when all of us are under stress and find ourselves “in the grip” of our stressed-out personalities.

I’ll use my type as an example. ENTJ’s, when we’re under stress and, well, just not having a good day, will get “in the grip” of our type and get into what’s called “introverted feeling.” What’s that? Well, let’s start with what we’re like on a good day. On a good day, we’re using our dominant function–our preferred way of entering the world, you could say–and that dominant function is “extraverted thinking.” But as good as we are at thinking and using our thinking preference in our relationships with others, one blind spot we have is getting a good read on our own feelings, particularly when we’re under stress. So I’ll be sitting in a meeting, say, and I’m feeling emotional and self-pitying about something someone said or did, or (more often) I’m getting impatient and irritated, but I’m not doing anything about it. I’m just “introverting” it. Last week, when I was in a work group learning about organizational dynamics, the group facilitator said to me, “When I was facilitating, I knew you weren’t happy with how it was going, but you didn’t say anything. You didn’t tell me what your problem was!” She was right, I’m sorry to say. I was “in the grip.”

You can read more here about how to notice when you’re “in the grip,” and how to use your “fourth function” in healthier ways. For me, it involves meditation and simply listening to myself, listening to what’s going on inside. And then I need to re-engage with others, but this time in a healthier way. Like you, I’m still working on it, and probably always will be!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

If someone you know and love is going through grief, you may feel anxious about what you should do, and not do, to help them. There are no hard and fast rules, but in my work with clients I’ve found the following responses to be helpful:

1. Make lasagna, and bring it over without asking. When someone is coping with a death in the family or some other kind of distressing situation, lots of people will call and say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” But the truth is, most people who are grieving have no idea what to ask you to do. They’re not in touch with what they really need. When my mother died, one of my sister’s friends just came right over, unannounced, with a pan of lasagna. The friend stayed long enough to drop off the food and hug my sister, and that was that. Think about ways you can communicate your support without pressuring the grieving person to help you or talk to you at any great length.

2. Just listen. If your friend is turning to you during this difficult time, remember that you don’t have the answers–and you don’t have to have the answers–so it’s best not to act on your own anxiety about what you should say or what you should do. Simple listening is enough. Let your friend know that you hear what’s being said, and you care. That’s more than enough!

3. Depending on your relationship with the grieving person, I think it’s okay to ask once in a while if there’s anything they need that you haven’t thought of. Expect that they’ll say no, and simply encourage them to let you know if something comes up. If you take this step after the lasagna in step 1, your friend might actually ask for your help. Or not. Either way, don’t push it.

4. Take care of yourself. One of my favorite illustrations of this point is the instruction we’re all given when we’re on an airplane and the flight attendants are telling us how to work the oxygen masks: before assisting the child next to you, be sure your own oxygen mask is in place and functioning. Same rule applies here: if you’re not taking care of yourself, how can you feel strong and ready to be there for your friend?

5. If the grieving person is your spouse or partner, all of this is good for your relationship. Often people say, “Well, I would ask him to work on our relationship stuff, but he’s grieving now, so I guess we’ll just have to put that on hold.” Yes and no. Yes, you may want to avoid engaging your grieving spouse or partner in a deep conversation about your relationship when s/he is in the middle of a difficult time. But no, you don’t have to wait to practice healthy relationship boundaries and behaviors. All of the ideas above are “healthy relationship” things to do. Your conscious choice to be present and supportive during this difficult time is a way to nurture your relationship and help the two of you down the road, when it once again feels appropriate to directly focus on your relationship.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I’m still working through my two-week training on organizational development, and in the course of our work I came across a great quotation from a friend and mentor of mine, Melissa Skelton. She was writing about the challenges and benefits of listening–the challenges and benefits of two married or partnered people listening to each other, two groups listening to each other, or anyone who feels they’re in relationship with someone else, trying as best they can to listen to that person.

Why do it? Why listen? Why should we take time and spend energy drawing close to another person, or another group, particularly if they are in opposition to us, and if it’s all too easy to fight with them? Here’s what she says:

“[Let's say] you’re in the middle of a conversation with your spouse, and it’s one of those recurring conversations where you always come out in different places and walk away reconfirmed about how different you are from each other. [But] what would it be like for both of you to not completely yield who you are to each other but to make a decision that in the conversation, each [of you] will allow him or herself to be affected by the other–will allow the outcome to be shaped by both? This is what it might mean to be constrained by love” (italics mine).

Constrained by love–that can be a confusing phrase. I think it means this: to open yourself up to another person, which means to be (in some ways) constrained, or surrendered, to that person. It doesn’t mean “surrendered” in the sense of “they win, I lose.” It means simply to be open to that person–even though being open to them means to be bent toward them, leaning into them, being influenced and changed by them. Does it mean being destroyed or oppressed or squashed by them? Of course not. But it does involve cost!

Let me ask you: is it worth it?

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Sorry for the lack of postings lately–I’m attending a two-week conference on organizational development and trying to keep up with my usual work, so it’s a busy time!

I thought I’d share a couple of things I’ve learned at the conference. Much of the learning is experiential: instead of a series of lectures, we’re learning how to work with groups and larger organizations by doing role-plays and then giving each other feedback about our skills and behavior.

I’ve been experimenting with being more assertive in these activities. Even though we’re not acting in the sense that we’re supposed to use our real selves in the role-plays, it’s an opportunity to experiment with new or growing-edge behaviors, and get feedback in a learning setting.

I’m glad to say that even though I’m taking risks and being more assertive in these work groups, I’m not driving people too crazy! (Though the conference ain’t over yet!) I’m learning that there’s a whole range of behaviors and interventions that I’ve used over the years but would do well to explore further. As a therapist, it’s easy to soak up the culture’s assumptions about what therapists are “supposed” to act like (you know–warm, kind, supportive) and neglect other skills that most people really need therapists to use, such as a willingness to carefully–but firmly–challenge or confront people with the stuff they really need to work on.

I’m hoping to integrate what I’ve learned not just into my professional life, but also in areas of my personal life where my “full self” or “best self” is a more assertive self. I suppose the danger is that I’ll start driving everyone crazy! But a key part of this learning is to hear and respond to the feedback of others, so as long as I stay tuned in to others, I should be okay. And when you think about it, what do you think really drives people crazy–hiding your true self, or being your true self?!

In a fun sidenote for all you MBTI fans out there, I retook the test, and I’m an extravert! I’ve always been a “fence” introvert, but in the last couple of years I’ve jumped the fence and am a (slight) E. My full type is ENTJ, which is the best type of course. (Kidding!) It’s been weird but also liberating to look at my preferences as an extravert. I still have a lot of introvert preferences, but I’m aware of how energized I am by connecting with other people, too. An extravert friend of mine is an intern trainer at this conference, so she’s having a lot of fun welcoming me to her team and introducing me to the E culture!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

In the first few years of my career I worked primarily with teenagers and kids. I still see a few clients from these age groups, but not as many as I saw when I worked for mental-health agencies. Weekly–sometimes daily–I would hear someone say that my clients needed “anger management.” This is one of those phrases from Therapy Land that has found its way into popular culture: almost everyone knows what “anger management” is, and almost everyone thinks it’s a good thing, even if they wouldn’t be caught dead taking an anger management class.

At the risk of offending many good professionals in my field, I say: think twice before taking one of these classes. (Often enough, if you’re taking one, you’re being forced to, so you don’t have the luxury of thinking twice. But keep reading!) Whether you’re being forced to take anger management or you’re just angry a lot and someone in your life has said, “Wow, you need anger management!” it’s important to remember a few things about anger:

1) Anger, like all emotions, is neither bad nor good. It has no moral value. It is a psychophysiological response by your mind and body to circumstances around you. I like the definition of anger (included in the work of Marsha Linehan) that says anger is simply the emotion you feel when something is in your way. That’s it.

2) Anger is often useful. It can tell you a lot about your situation, yourself, other people, and what your options are. It’s hard to see how, say, road rage is useful. But even if you’re experiencing road rage, the emotion might be telling you that you are too stressed out, that you need to take a minute–or a few minutes, or an hour, or a day–to work through something, or simply take a break.

3) There are no “angry people.” There are people who get angry quite often, and people who nurse grudges or hatreds for years at a time, but again, anger is an emotional response, not a personality trait. Senator Jim Webb might disagree. He’s a champion of the Scots-Irish culture, a culture that embraces anger in a particular way, and for particular cultural reasons. But even in a culture like that, where anger is a powerful cultural phenomenon, an individual person is capable of not being angry.

4) Like many emotions, anger is not designed to be chronic. If you are nursing a grudge for long lengths of time, you should know that you’re probably doing more harm to yourself than the person who originally hurt you. This is why I agree with the idea behind anger management, if not the specific methods or intended outcomes of anger management.

5) Finally, my case against anger management. (And I would love to be proven wrong about this!) Over the years I’ve seen that many of my clients find anger management either ineffective or counter-productive. It’s usually ineffective, particularly with teenage boys. They go to anger management classes, but they don’t seem to come out with much at the end. It becomes another irritant for them, and another thing their parents are expected to enforce, which (ask any parent) is the last thing they need. The counter-productive outcome occurs when anger management classes teach people not how to understand and make use of their anger, with the goal of resolving it, but rather how to squelch their anger or find some way to define it as wrong, bad, or useless.

So if you feel you have an anger problem, by all means take steps to address it. You could even sign up for an anger management course! But look at the materials–or talk to the course leader. Find out if they help you understand and deal with your anger, with respect for the fact that it is a useful and normal human emotion.

Finally, if you’ve struggled with anger and learned something about yourself, or about emotions, or relationships, please comment on this blog. I’d love to hear (and share) your story with other normal humans who sometimes get angry.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Just a note to clients who use my online scheduler: I’m attending a two-week training on organizational development during the last two weeks of June, so most of my weekday appointment times are not available. I will be offering other times on those days, such as 7:00 p.m. appointments, but the online scheduler template doesn’t reflect that, so just give me a call or email me if you’d like to come in and can’t find a time on the scheduler. I’m here!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!