This is just a note to couples who are interested in weekend workshops hosted by the Gottman Institute: there’s another workshop coming up in September, and you might want to register soon. These workshops are useful for couples who may or may not think they are in trouble but would like to work on their relationship. Even if you’re in therapy, weekend workshops can supplement your counseling with a more intensive two-day experience. Here’s what the site says:

“Research shows that on average, couples wait six years from the first signs of problems before they seek help. This workshop is designed to strengthen your marriage or relationship. If you have a strong relationship, this workshop will provide you with insights and tools to make it a great one. If your relationship is distressed, this two-day workshop will provide a road map for repair. If the couple is dealing with physical abuse or battering, this workshop may not be appropriate. In these cases, please consult with Gottman Institute triage staff.”

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Today the film version of the musical Mamma Mia! opens in theaters, and in its honor I’m reviewing the lyrics of the title song as part of my Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics series.

In this version of the song, as Agnetha sings, her therapist listens with increasing worry, and then makes a carefully considered decision about what to do. Enjoy, and happy Friday!

AGNETHA: I’ve been cheated by you since I don’t know when.
THERAPIST: Right. You told me about him last session.
So I made up my mind it must come to an end.
So far so good! Took her a while but it’s never too late.
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don’t know how, but I suddenly lose control.
I know how. Let’s work on that.
There’s a fire within my soul.
Uh oh.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring.
A bell rings? Is she Pavlov?
One more look and I forget everything. O-o-o-oh…
Don’t! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Here I go again!
No! Don’t!
My my, how can I resist you?
I know how! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Does it show again?
My my, just how much I’ve missed you?
How could it not show? You’re whipped!
Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted,
blue since the day we parted,
why why did I ever let you go?
I’ll tell you why! You know why! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Now I really know
why why I could never let you go.
She did it.
I’ve been angry and sad about things that you do.
Right. Remember that!
I can’t count all the times that I told you we’re through.
I can.
And when you go, when you slam the door,
I think you know that you won’t be away too long.
Why’s that??!
You know that I’m not that strong.
Oh Agnetha. We’ve been through this!
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring,
That damn bell again.
One more look and I forget everything. O-o-o-oh…
Mamma mia! Here I go again…
I give up. Hell, it’s a good song. Might as well dance…

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Recently I posted a pretty good rationale for not cleaning my basement on my day off. It was a light way to describe the concept of “Radical Acceptance.” Well, let’s say that today is the day to clean that basement, that you can’t stand it anymore, it has to get done, and you’ve decided to do it now. Good for you! I found a book (click icon below to purchase) that describes a four-step way to make this project something more, something that helps you grow and change in your life.

(True confession: I found it while reading O Magazine at the health club. A guilty pleasure!)

The “SHED” process involves four steps:
1. Separate the treasures. Look through your stuff and keep things you truly want and need, or things that have deep meaning for you.
2. Heave the trash. The rest of it is out of here! Personal note: my dad is really good at this step. I remember him saying things like, “Does it work? No? Throw it out!” or “Do we use it? No? Throw it out!” This was a good thing, because my dad had a lot of kids.
3. Embrace your identity. In this step, the author, Julie Morgenstern, encourages you to discern your present and future goals, dreams, hopes, and so forth, and to look at your “shedding” process as part of a larger effort to be your best self, and live your daily life by drawing upon the best in yourself.
4. Drive yourself forward. In this step, you become more active and directive in your re-engagement with life. You pursue the goals and dreams you discerned while shedding not just the old stuff in your basement, but also the old habits, ways of scheduling your time, and other default assumptions and behaviors you have about yourself and your life.

So if you’re looking for a step-by-step way to change your life, not just your basement, you might want to give Morgenstern’s book a try!

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Most of my posts have to do with issues related to therapy, counseling, couples, personal growth, and so on. But today I want to recognize and recommend my webmaster, whose site is found here. Jill is terrific. I’ve been working with her for just about a year now, and I’m delighted with the quality and consistency of her work. My website is the lifeblood of my practice, and Jill has worked countless hours (well, she’s counted most of them, but hey, that’s business!) to help me get started, build the site, and work on search-engine optimization. I highly recommend her.

One reason I’m talking about Jill in this post is that this is a scheduled post, which means that by the time you read this, I will have written it yesterday. For a long time I hesitated to do scheduled posts. It’s a great feature, but I’ve had some glitches with my blog and I didn’t want to risk a post being published in the future without me being at the computer and ready to fix the glitches. But this week Jill has worked with me (and WordPress) to fix these problems, so I’m good to go.

OK, so my motives aren’t completely pure: I also think I haven’t always been the easiest client for Jill. I’m nice (most therapists are!), and I do try hard to solve problems myself and learn new things, but here and there I get frazzled, or I do dumb things on my blog, and Jill has to put up with my shenanigans. So this post is (partly) a way for me to make it up to her. So, thanks Jill! And all the rest of you, if you’re thinking about building a new website and need a great webmaster, search no further!

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Yes, but this is a good question. Some people legitimately think it’s appropriate for therapists not to charge for their first session. After all, what if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m not a good fit for you? No therapist can (honestly) promise that the fit will be perfect. Like all human relationships, it’s not an exact science.

Even if that’s the case, in my experience the first visit can often accomplish a lot for you. Just to name one thing, the first visit is (usually) the first chance you’ve had in a long time to get your problems off your chest, to talk to someone–someone who’s really listening–about your problems. And that’s therapeutic. Even if we’re not a good fit, you’ll likely walk away feeling a little bit better.

And there’s more. First visits include lots of questions by me about what’s going on for you, what’s bothering you, who you call your family, what your workplace is like, and so on. But this isn’t just a way for me to gather information about you. It’s also a way for you to tell your story, just the way you want to tell it. And sometimes, in telling our stories, we get started on the process of changing them. Have you ever been in the middle of telling people something significant about yourself, and you suddenly realize something new, something you haven’t thought before, about your situation? That can happen in our first session.

And finally, I rarely (if ever) let anyone leave their first session without doing some in-session therapy work, and taking home a few things to think about and work on. So even though I charge for my first appointment, I assure you–the work I put you through is worth it!

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Most often when we’re in a relationship, we feel we need to check things out, fix things, understand why the other person is upset, listen, respond…you know, do all those things therapists love to tell us to do! But then there are times when–and I say this as a therapist, not just someone in a relationship!–it’s okay to let the other person take care of their hurt feelings. Even if their hurt feelings are about you.

That’s right. Think about some of the times when you’ve been mad at your partner, or your partner’s been mad at you. Often enough, it’s an issue worth discussing, a problem worth solving. Maybe your partner misunderstood you, or maybe you’re upset because your partner said something you thought was insensitive. It might be a good idea to check it out. Checking it out is usually better than stewing about it…right?

Well, a lot of the time. But sometimes I work with couples who seem to be “check-it-out perfectionists.” No negative feeling goes unexamined. No hurt feeling goes unaddressed. And I think, well, I think they’re taking all this a little bit too far. Sometimes a person is just upset. That’s all. They’re having a bad day, or they didn’t like what you said, or they’re just not that into you right at this particular moment, and the best thing for you to do is to let it lie. Let them take care of it.

But…! You might say. But, I’m right, and he’s wrong!! Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to defend myself? Sorry, that sounds defensive… Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to (hmmm, what’s a nice therapy word…?) respond? Well, yeah, most times. But maybe not this time. Think about giving your partner a little space once in a while to be mad at you–or think about giving yourself a little space once in a while to be mad at your partner–without having to do the whole Therapy Routine. Don’t worry about “active listening” or “responding vs. reacting” or “empathic communication.” Just let them take care of it.

And guess what? If you do–if you let them (and yourself) take care of it on their own (or on your own) every once in a while, it’s good practice. It’s good self-soothing, self-parenting, self-care. It’s adult stuff. That way, when you two run into a bigger issue that really needs to be dealt with by both of you, you’ll both be better able to hold onto yourselves during the encounter. You’ll both be better able to take an adult stance while wrestling with your issues.

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Often I work with clients on the concept of Radical Acceptance. One problem with this is that it sounds clinical and hard: “Radical Acceptance”…what’s that? So I’ll use my basement as an example of how you can use Radical Acceptance to feel better and live better:

Right now, my basement has several issues: a cluttered tool counter, unfolded linens, unorganized boxes of personal papers, water-damaged junk, and a weird smell coming from behind a chest of drawers. Today, Monday, is my day off. If I chose, I could worry about my basement and make a plan to tackle it. When I start planning by worrying, though, it often goes like this: I make a big list and plan to do hours of work, then get about a half-hour’s work done and somehow get distracted. And then, at the end of my day off, I feel frustrated with myself and can’t stop thinking about my basement.

So I’m approaching it this way, using Radical Acceptance: right now, today, as it is, my basement is perfect. The linens aren’t supposed to be folded right now. The smell isn’t so bad, and I don’t have to hang out in that area too much anyway. The personal papers are in boxes, and their condition is ideal–for today. If I feel like it, I might go down there and straighten something up. And if I do, then my basement will once again be perfect–for that moment, for that time of the day.

Radical Acceptance is about surrendering completely to the situation you’re in right now. Most of the time it has to do with really upsetting situations, such as: you’re racing to the ER with a bad cut on your hand, the pain is throbbing, and you run into traffic. There’s nothing you can do. Radical Acceptance means surrendering to the situation, taking deep breaths, soothing yourself, and allowing yourself to experience the situation without getting frantic and upset about it.

There are other examples. You might be coping with a terrible loss, a death of someone close to you or a traumatic event in your life. Radical Acceptance is a way for you to go forward with that loss, not denying it, but also not frantically resisting it and fighting it.

My basement is a much less dramatic example, but it’s the same principle: do I need to clean the basement today? No. And if I don’t, will it still be a great day? Yes. Right now, right at this moment, my basement is perfect. My day off is perfect.

Enjoy your perfect day!

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Something I do with almost every client is this: we pore over our calendars to find a date for our next meeting. Many of you have regular appointments, but others can’t do that because of changing work schedules. It can be crazy! So I’m happy to say I found a cartoon (click on thumbnail below) which was published twelve years ago and has stayed with me ever since. Let’s just say I’m glad they finally found a date for their meeting!

Happy Fourth of July everyone. Be safe, and if you’re in the mood, do this.

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I recently posted on the MBTI, a personality-type indicator that helps people understand their preferred way of living, making decisions, perceiving the world, and getting energized. I wasn’t sure what to make of the fact that when I took the MBTI last month, I tested as an extravert for the first time. I wasn’t sure I was truly an “ENTJ.” That is, I wasn’t sure until I got to know more about the dark side of the ENTJ. (Wow, I really see myself in it!)

“Dark side” is probably not a term the MBTI folks want me to use when describing what they call the “fourth function” in personality types. But since MBTI is based on Jungian theory, and since Jung himself had a lot to say about the shadow archetype, I’ll blur the lines a bit and use the phrase “dark side” to describe what happens when all of us are under stress and find ourselves “in the grip” of our stressed-out personalities.

I’ll use my type as an example. ENTJ’s, when we’re under stress and, well, just not having a good day, will get “in the grip” of our type and get into what’s called “introverted feeling.” What’s that? Well, let’s start with what we’re like on a good day. On a good day, we’re using our dominant function–our preferred way of entering the world, you could say–and that dominant function is “extraverted thinking.” But as good as we are at thinking and using our thinking preference in our relationships with others, one blind spot we have is getting a good read on our own feelings, particularly when we’re under stress. So I’ll be sitting in a meeting, say, and I’m feeling emotional and self-pitying about something someone said or did, or (more often) I’m getting impatient and irritated, but I’m not doing anything about it. I’m just “introverting” it. Last week, when I was in a work group learning about organizational dynamics, the group facilitator said to me, “When I was facilitating, I knew you weren’t happy with how it was going, but you didn’t say anything. You didn’t tell me what your problem was!” She was right, I’m sorry to say. I was “in the grip.”

You can read more here about how to notice when you’re “in the grip,” and how to use your “fourth function” in healthier ways. For me, it involves meditation and simply listening to myself, listening to what’s going on inside. And then I need to re-engage with others, but this time in a healthier way. Like you, I’m still working on it, and probably always will be!

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If someone you know and love is going through grief, you may feel anxious about what you should do, and not do, to help them. There are no hard and fast rules, but in my work with clients I’ve found the following responses to be helpful:

1. Make lasagna, and bring it over without asking. When someone is coping with a death in the family or some other kind of distressing situation, lots of people will call and say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” But the truth is, most people who are grieving have no idea what to ask you to do. They’re not in touch with what they really need. When my mother died, one of my sister’s friends just came right over, unannounced, with a pan of lasagna. The friend stayed long enough to drop off the food and hug my sister, and that was that. Think about ways you can communicate your support without pressuring the grieving person to help you or talk to you at any great length.

2. Just listen. If your friend is turning to you during this difficult time, remember that you don’t have the answers–and you don’t have to have the answers–so it’s best not to act on your own anxiety about what you should say or what you should do. Simple listening is enough. Let your friend know that you hear what’s being said, and you care. That’s more than enough!

3. Depending on your relationship with the grieving person, I think it’s okay to ask once in a while if there’s anything they need that you haven’t thought of. Expect that they’ll say no, and simply encourage them to let you know if something comes up. If you take this step after the lasagna in step 1, your friend might actually ask for your help. Or not. Either way, don’t push it.

4. Take care of yourself. One of my favorite illustrations of this point is the instruction we’re all given when we’re on an airplane and the flight attendants are telling us how to work the oxygen masks: before assisting the child next to you, be sure your own oxygen mask is in place and functioning. Same rule applies here: if you’re not taking care of yourself, how can you feel strong and ready to be there for your friend?

5. If the grieving person is your spouse or partner, all of this is good for your relationship. Often people say, “Well, I would ask him to work on our relationship stuff, but he’s grieving now, so I guess we’ll just have to put that on hold.” Yes and no. Yes, you may want to avoid engaging your grieving spouse or partner in a deep conversation about your relationship when s/he is in the middle of a difficult time. But no, you don’t have to wait to practice healthy relationship boundaries and behaviors. All of the ideas above are “healthy relationship” things to do. Your conscious choice to be present and supportive during this difficult time is a way to nurture your relationship and help the two of you down the road, when it once again feels appropriate to directly focus on your relationship.

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