Parents and adult children: help!
I’ve worked with adolescents since I first became a therapist ten years ago, and I’ve noticed something they have in common with adults in their 20’s, 30’s, and on up the age range: it’s hard for them to know how to talk to their parents, and it’s hard for their parents to know how to interact with them.
One big hole in the English language—something that English lacks—is a word for “adult children.” A three-year-old is a child. (A 12-year-old can even pass for a child, I suppose, but don’t tell her that!) But everyone else—from ages 13 to 83 (with apologies to all you 84-year-olds out there with living parents!)—everyone else is an adolescent or an adult, but also a “child,” and it’s hard to know what kind of relationship they “should” have with their parents.
Here’s what it can look like: your son is (let’s say) 17 years old. He won’t listen to you, but he seems (maddeningly) to want something from you. He might be raging against your house rules, even breaking your things in what you called “tantrums” a few years ago. He’s pretty much a man by now, so for both emotional and physical reasons, you don’t have much control over him. If he goes into a rage, there’s really not that much you can do. The solution? Just try to relate to him. Adult children (or adolescent children) don’t need you to lead them or parent them as much as they simply need you to relate to them, or connect to them.
This angry 17-year-old…how do you relate? Here are some ideas. 1) Tell him what you see, or tell him what you understand. “I know you’re upset. I would be too.” And just leave it at that. Don’t pressure him with demands, and try not to state (for the thousandth time) the house rules. He knows the rules. Just say out loud what you see going on in front of you. Sometimes this is enough! 2) Tell him you’re available. For example, you could say, “I know you’re mad, and I understand why. I can’t stop you from destroying furniture, or storming out, or staying out all night, or…(whatever it is that he’s doing, or about to do). But I want to tell you something: I am here to listen, I will always be interested in talking to you, I will always be available if you want to tell me more about what’s going on with you.” “F-you,” he might say. “Right,” you say. “F-me. But I’m still here. I am available to listen whenever you want to talk.”
How does that translate for “children” who are even older—children in, say, their forties and fifties? For them, it’s generally a quieter version of the above. If you’re the parent of a “child” who is herself in middle age, the best thing you can do is to 1) listen; and 2) be available. Maintain the connection. Relate to your son or daughter. Don’t bother trying to change them, or trying to protect them from the decisions they’re making. You probably already know that’s futile! Just make a connection. Just relate.
One final note about parents and “children”: the higher they both go in age, the more the roles slowly begin to switch—the “child” becomes parental as the “parent” becomes elderly. If this has already happened to you, and you are trying to cope with your elderly parent, the “listen/connect” rule might really be helpful. Try it out. It’s a lot easier than actually getting your parents to do what you want! (And if you’re building the connection, who knows? Maybe that will happen too. After all, that’s how it works with adolescents!)
April 11th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
So what do you do when your elderly parents won’t talk about things that are going on with them? I was taking care of my mother and one day I looked at her and said “Mom, you have to tell and talk to me more about what is going on with you. You could be standing there dying and I wouldn’t know it.” She had a bad heart, and a week after my statement she was gone.
I found my step dad dead on the kitchen floor. Instead of calling 911 or waking me up on the other side of the house, he called his doctor’s office as he knew somethig was wrong, and he was waiting for a call back. A blood clot went in his braing and he was dead in a second.
Now my dad is the problem. He doesn’t like talking about medical stuff, never has. He doesn’t want to “worry” me. The last time I just knew something was wrong with him, I kept asking my step mom for 2 months, “What’s wrong with dad?” Dad had asked her not to tell me, and finally, when they could take my calls no longer, my dad called my brother and then my brother told me he had prostate cancer! So now Dad talks to me less as he can’t figure out how I knew something was wrong with him! It sometimes drives me crazy!
What do you do with the closed lip, I don’t want to worry you generation? I just don’t know.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Melissa,
This is a terrible position to be in. “Closed-lipped” parents can be maddening! This might not have helped you when you needed to know what was going on with your parents, but it’s a good idea for adult children to talk with their parents far in advance about legal arrangements such as power-of-attorney and medical releases. Failing that, it’s often up to the adult child to just keep at it, but in ways that don’t push the silent parent into defensiveness.
It’s hard to give general advice on something like this because everyone’s parents are different, but I think the goal is to slowly but surely nurture a relationship in which you’re offering simple companionship and genuine empathy to your parent, and also being honest about 1) your need to know what’s going on; and 2) your intention to be helpful and supportive. If you’re able to calm yourself down and be a steady, reliable presence, you then can prepare your parent for an honest conversation about what’s really wrong with them, and what needs to happen next.