Quick way to stop the fighting
Do you feel caught in an endless loop of fighting with your partner? Is it hard to get out of it once it’s started? You’re probably right about a lot of things that make you mad. But then—and just stay with me here for a minute!—so is your partner. When two people are arguing, most of the time they are both right about something, even if one of them is only 0.01% right!
Let’s assume it’s your partner who is right only 0.01% of the time. (I’m guessing you’re OK with that!) If you’re fighting, consider this: tell your partner that he/she is right about that one little tiny thing. Your partner says, “You didn’t support me last night when I was telling you about my bad day!” You could say, “You’re right. I wasn’t supportive the whole time we were talking. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.” Then you could just stop talking, and let your partner take in the fact that you didn’t defend yourself. You acknowledged the 0.01% thing that your partner was right about. (Maybe you were supportive 99.99% of the time, but you just chose not to point that out!)
Your partner is stuck now. How can I respond when someone agrees with me? Attack again? Most people won’t attack again, at least not right away. Agreeing with your partner—just a little bit—can open a moment of silence in the middle of a fight. It could get you talking again, but this time without shouting.
Therapist and author David Burns came up with this technique. He calls it the “disarming technique.” It can be a simple way to change the way you communicate in your relationship. It could stop the fighting. (Just be sure that you’re agreeing with something that’s true! Be authentic!)
