So, here’s the good news: if you are trying to avoid scary changes or growth in your relationship, rest assured, that’s normal! It’s only natural to want to “keep the peace,” or do things the way you both have done them for a long, long time. You might be following a regular pattern of communication, or a dependable pattern of sexual behaviors and routines. That’s not a problem. Again, it’s perfectly natural.

But (and you knew I was about to say “But…”!) you will sometimes find yourself having serious problems with your relationship as it is. One (or both) of you is bored, or in your efforts to accommodate each other you’re finding that it’s harder and harder to do that, maybe because you’re starting to get really frustrated with each other, or really impatient about the relationship because everything feels so stagnant.

I’ve talked about David Schnarch before, and want to recommend another book of his to you (see below). Dr. Schnarch calls what I described above the “comfort-safety cycle,” the cycle in every normal relationship in which both partners are settling into routines and patterns that keep anxiety low, and also help each partner define their identity in the relationship in a way that helps them feel secure. (For example, someone might say, “Well, that’s always how we’ve been together. I’m the submissive one, and he’s the one who always initiates sex…”)

Schnarch calls the other cycle—the cycle in which anxiety goes way up and the couple goes through change, and sometimes real crisis—the “growth cycle.” Usually, when couples feel that things are going badly, or when they call therapists and say things like, “We need counseling or we might break up,” it’s a sign that they’re on the brink of a “growth cycle.” In the growth cycle, increased anxiety is normal, and a re-evaluation of roles and identity is normal. It’s so stressful, though! It can even be deeply frightening.

That’s why most people resist it. They’ll say, “You go to counseling. I’m fine with how things are. I’m not the problem.” Or they’ll blame the other person for specific problems, saying things like, “I’m tired of having to ask for sex all the time. I feel like you’re just pushing me away.” It can be a very confusing and upsetting time. So here’s some more good news (and I mean it!): as confused and upset as you might be when you’re on the brink of a growth cycle, that’s exactly what this is: growth. The fighting and silent treatments and hurt feelings and anger and anxiety—all of that!—is a sign that your relationship is about to undergo (and in fact is already undergoing) significant change.

Bottom line: both cycles are normal. Finding a comfortable pattern of comfort and safety, and enjoying the stable relationship that comes from routine and clear expectations (even if they’re unspoken), is normal. It helps us relax, reduce anxiety, and just feel at ease in our relationships. But it’s also normal for this to stop working after a while. That’s when all the “trouble” starts. But it’s also what makes real growth possible.

For more on this, you’re welcome to come in and talk to me (!), but you can also learn a lot more by reading Schnarch’s book, “Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems & Revolutionizing Your Relationship.” In fact, the best option is to do both—engage in couples counseling, and read more about relationships, sex, and your own personal growth as you tackle these very normal relationship cycles.

Here’s the link for Schnarch’s book:

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