“Do I need a break from relationships?”
People often say that they need to take a certain amount of time off after a breakup. “I’m not ready for someone new,” they say. “He’ll just be a transitional man [or woman]. I need time to heal.” Usually your friends will agree with you if you take this tack. (Your best friends have probably been with you during your breakup, and could use a break themselves, right?!)
And I say, sure. Take a break. Take time to soothe yourself, grieve, express your anger, own up to your own part in the breakup, focus on work, take the dog for a long walk… You need this time.
But you may soon notice that those same friends who agreed with you that you need a break are now trying to set you up with “this great guy I work with,” or they’ll say, “She’s really great! You two would be perfect for each other.” Or—to turn the tables a bit—you may soon notice that it’s you yourself who’s noticing the guy at work, or wondering if you would be perfect for someone new, and your friends are still saying, “No way! It’s still too soon!”
How do you know if it’s too soon, if you’ve waited long enough, if you’re already missing out on your next relationship because you’re “on a break”?
This is where a little self-awareness—along with self-care—comes in. The reason there’s no hard-and-fast rule about getting into a new relationship is because it’s about you, not some outside influence or process. Here’s what I mean: when I had minor surgery last fall (I am now appendix-free), I was ordered to follow a strict six-week regimen of rest, and told that I would notice mild symptoms of pain for up to six months. But breakups aren’t like that. There is no bankable six-week rest period, and your emotional pain (I’m sorry to say) has a mind of its own. You may be happily partnered or married for ten years and feel a flash of pain or regret about something you thought was ancient history. Or you may recover really fast, and feel just fine in what seems like no time at all.
So—back to the “it’s about you” thing. Here’s how to know if you’re going too fast, or too slowly, into your next relationship. If you are going out with someone new, can you notice why that is, and be honest with yourself about it? Usually when we do it for the “wrong” reasons (such as, “It’s awful to be alone, I’m going crazy being alone, I’m desperate!!”), we can figure that out with just a little time of silence, breathing, and simple self-awareness. If it feels too fast, stop for a minute. Notice yourself. Notice your heart rate. Notice your thoughts: are they racing? Do you feel like you’re acting from your core self, from your best self?
This is hard because everyone knows that a new relationship always increases your heart rate, and in a good way! It’s tremendously rewarding (and just a lot of fun) to be attracted to someone and find that the attraction is going both ways. If you’ve been through a recent breakup, it’s more likely—but not a foregone conclusion—that you might be jumping into a new relationship rather than doing the hard work of self-growth. But check it out. Take that little break I mentioned. Notice what’s going on inside yourself. Notice your feelings. Even if it feels like you haven’t been single “long enough,” you might actually be ready to get close to someone new.
And even if it turns out to be another disaster, know this: you’ll survive it. And you’ll learn from it. No matter what choices we make, we can learn and grow from the choice. So don’t force yourself to follow a mandatory “post-op” rest period. Feel free to approach this time in your life with more flexibility, and more self-awareness.
