Resentment 101
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about resentment. If you’re human, you’ve felt it. You’ve resented your partner for assuming you’d be a certain way, or do a certain thing. You’ve resented your parents for favoring your sister. (And you know they did!) You’ve resented your colleague for getting promoted ahead of you. There are any number of thousands of reasons to feel resentful.
The problem is, resentment is just about the most worthless emotional state I can think of. (Shame is rarely useful, but even shame can sometimes be a motivator for good behavior and personal growth.) But resentment is a lot like getting your car stuck in a big pothole. What are you going to do now? Or it’s like the Jail square on the Monopoly board. There’s nothing to do there but wait for the Get Out of Jail card.
Here’s my solution to the resentment problem: if you feel resentful, tell yourself that as dark as your thoughts and feelings are, you’re really not being very serious. That’s right: you’re not being serious. You’re not taking your situation seriously enough to move past resentment and do something about it. Let’s go through one of the examples above to see what I mean:
If you resent your partner for making assumptions about you, that means you’re not taking yourself seriously. For example, let’s say your partner assumed you would follow his lead when it comes to sex. He has preferences–he likes his positions, he expects a certain frequency, a certain duration, a certain type of massage oil, you get the idea–and you resent him because he never asked you what you wanted, what you preferred.
And maybe he’s resentful too–resentful that you’re complaining about all of this. He’s resenting your resentment! If this is going on, it probably means that you yourself need to take more seriously your own vision of sex and relationships. It’s not your partner’s job to automatically tune in to your preferences. It’s your job to put them out there on your own behalf. If you’re resenting him, that means you’re still waiting around for him to do your own work. You’re waiting for him to become more interested in your view of things than you seem to be yourself! If you want a different sexual experience, resenting your partner won’t make it happen. You have to get in touch with what you want, then take your preference (and yourself) seriously enough to assert for it.
If you feel resentful, that probably makes sense. (I’ll even grant you that your partner is probably being insensitive!) But to get what you want, it helps to notice your resentment, see how it just keeps you stuck in Monopoly Jail, step out of it, and say, “Hey! So let’s have sex my way tonight. I love my way, I’m good at it, and I love you, so I like our chances for having a great time!”
