Saying goodbye, part 2
Following up on yesterday’s post, here’s my take on the question, “What do I do if I don’t make it back in time, if the person I love dies before I have a chance to say goodbye?”
This really hurts. I’ve seen people fall apart when this happens. They break down and begin to weep, feeling overwhelmed with guilt and regret. I think it’s really important to remember a few things during times like this:
1. Be compassionate with yourself. You didn’t make it because you couldn’t make it. Something prevented you from being there, whether it was a delayed flight, the maddening turn of events, or something deeper, something personal, such as your own ambivalence about the person who was dying, or barriers that the dying person put up. Even if it was that last one–that you yourself were hesitating, and while you were hesitating, the person died–even then, please try to be compassionate with yourself. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes, when a person dies and certain key family members and friends were absent because of the difficulties they had with that person, well, that’s just part of that person’s story. Think of it as something that you and the person who died share together: several unanswered questions, perhaps many regrets, but something that both of you shared. Those who are dying often have a lot of influence over who ends up at their side when their time comes.
2. Find a way to say goodbye, or pay your respects. Attend the funeral, or connect with others who are grieving. Or write a letter to the person who died, maybe a letter that expresses your regrets, but also your affection for the person. The letter could also be a way for you to talk about your ambivalence, or even (if you feel it) your anger. It might feel countercultural to acknowledge your anger for a person who died, but it’s healthy. I really think that if the dead can hear us, if they’re still tuned in somehow, then we should honor them with an authentic expression of how we truly feel!
3. Connect with living persons in your life. Try to draw wisdom and insight from this experience. If you regret missing the last moments of one person’s life, turn your attention to the people you love who are around you today. Resolve to be fully present with the living.
4. If you did have a relationship problem with the person who died, think especially about those with whom you are currently having difficulties. If it pains you to miss out on saying goodbye to someone who died–if it pains you because the missed connection was a result of a relationship problem–then take this opportunity to repair and restore relationships you have with others. Work to have a life that ends in a more peaceful death than the one you just experienced.
