“Should” 101
Maybe you’ve heard about “should statements,” and that they’re bad. “Should statements” are a problem when you are either beating up on yourself or demanding compliance from another person. “I shouldn’t be so emotional,” you tell yourself, even though your sadness makes a whole lot of sense and you need to cry it out. “He should support me,” you say about your partner, even though you know that in any free-choice relationship, it’s best if support is offered and appreciated, not required.
“Should statements” are sometimes called “negative thoughts” in certain forms of cognitive-behavioral therapy. And yes, like a lot of counselors, I’m trained to notice them when they fly by me in the therapy office. Whoa, what’s that? I ask myself. And sometimes I’ll challenge the client about it.
Other times, I’ll go with it. “Should” is not always a dirty word. If you’re asking yourself a “should” question that has to do with values, ethics, your sense of right and wrong–well, I might help you out. “Should I expect my partner to be honest when I’m hiding important information from her?” “Should I expect my partner to commit to me when I’m being so ambivalent?” These “should” questions sound pretty rhetorical–the answer is probably no. But others are more complicated. “Should I tell my partner I had an affair now that it’s over?” That’s a good one. The answer is not necessarily “yes.”
I’m all for the idea that you should “stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself” (even though I had to say “should” to endorse that idea!). But when I sense that you are consulting with your own conscience about a situation with ethical and moral implications, then I’m proud to include “should” in our vocabulary.
