So, what?
Here’s a little exercise you can do, something to turn your own head around a few times so that you can think in a new way about your relationship problem: first, think of something about your partner (past or present! it works in both situations), something that really bugs you, or better yet, something that *enrages* you. It could also be something that grieves you, makes you sad, makes you anxious. Your partner was rude to you, or had an affair, or doesn’t listen to you, or is emotionally distant from you, or said something critical about you, or… well, you get the idea. Once you’ve picked a good problem like this, then go to step two, which is to ask yourself this question:
So, what?
Here’s what I mean. Let’s say you’re mad because your partner thinks you are financially irresponsible. You get defensive about it. “She’s wrong!” you tell yourself. The two of you fight about it. It drives you crazy that your partner believes this insulting thing about you. Then ask yourself, “So, what?” If your partner thinks this, does that make it true? And if your partner thinks this, does that mean you’re supposed to do something about it? Maybe you’re upset because deep down you worry about this very thing–that you really do have problems with money. Well, if that’s the case, then all your partner is doing is touching a nerve of your own, which is something you need to wrestle with. “But I have to show him he’s wrong!!” you’re thinking. But why? The value of the “So, what?” question is this: it directs the issue back to yourself, to the fact that you yourself are the one who needs to decide whether you are handling your money well. You yourself are the best judge of your behavior, even your character. “So, what?” pushes you to do one of two things: 1) remind yourself that if your partner is mistaken, then her opinion is just her opinion, and it’s all about her, not you–her beliefs and worries about money, her preferred way to spend and save money, her worldview about finances; and 2) if deep down you know your partner is right, then it’s better to confront yourself about your money habits than waste time and energy demanding that your partner apologize for saying something you agree with. (!)
I’ll post soon with other examples. Meanwhile, when you’re upset with your partner about something, give “So, what?” a try.
