One of the great thinkers in my field, Murray Bowen, created the concept of differentiation. It’s a great concept. If you understand what he means by the word “differentiation,” you can use it to cultivate healthy and happy relationships in your life. But there’s a problem. It’s the word itself. “Differentiation.” It’s not a word that normal people use. It’s a TherapyLand word. I’ve been struggling for years to find a way to describe this concept to normal people–you know, people like you!–and I think I’ve found one way to do it.

Think of “differentiation” this way: when you are differentiated, you are standing ten feet tall. You are your best self. You are your strongest self. You are able to be close to people, and by close I mean emotionally close. You are able to show them exactly how you feel, right now, right in the present moment, and you are able to take full responsibility for your own feelings. You’re angry. You’re sad. You’re scared. You’re happy. Whatever your feeling is, and whatever your complicated emotional response to the other person might be–such as a desire to fight, or a desire to cry, or a desire to flee, or a desire to embrace–you are in control of that response, and you are able to decide whether you want to actually do that response.

In short, you are standing ten feet tall.

Imagine yourself standing, say, three feet tall. This means you’re acting like a little kid. You’re giving in to your anger and flying off the handle, raging against your partner, losing control. Or you’re tearfully demanding that your partner soothe you in your sadness, make it go away. Or you’re putting up a wall of cold, hostile indifference to hide your fear. Or you’re assuming that your current happiness is all about your partner–therefore, it’s not in your control.

But to stand ten feet tall means to notice, understand, and work with your own emotions, and to respond to the people around you rather than simply react to them. It doesn’t mean you’re an android, empty of emotions, coolly distant from everyone. In fact, if you’re like that most of the time, it might mean you are undifferentiated, or (like I said above) standing three feet tall. Standing ten feet tall means not running away, and also not fusing anxiously with those you love. It involves emotional awareness, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to stay in the fray, to stay close–and yet hold yourself together–with those you love.

So, you’re a normal person. Did that definition of “differentiation” make sense? If not, let me know!

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 at 9:08 pm and is filed under Being Your Best Self, Couples, Feeling Mad, Sad, or Afraid. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.