Talk to me
I’m hoping to facilitate a discussion on this blog about GLBT culture, and particularly the cultural assumptions, beliefs, hopes, and fears of gay men on the topic of intimacy. By ‘intimacy’ I mean both physical and emotional, and yes, sometimes the physical is sexual, but my main question is this: how difficult is it for the gay men you know (or for you, if you’re a gay man) to be held by your partner, to be emotionally available to your partner, and above all, to ask your partner for intimacy?
I’ll contribute insights to the discussion from gay men and others in my field who study the issue, and of course I can share my own experiences, both as a therapist and as a person who, like you, needs intimacy with others to survive. For now, I’ll start with a basic assumption to give some shape to the discussion: many, many gay men I know (and read about) are—what’s the word?—skittish, I guess, about inviting their boyfriend or partner into a more intimate relationship. In the first stages of the relationship, it can be almost comically awkward. “If I tell him I want him to hold me, he’ll think I’m needy. He’ll think I’m smothering him,” said one friend. In your experience, is this typical for the gay men you know? And if so, why do you think that is?
Some of the answers are probably pretty obvious. Gay men are socialized as men—and in our dominant culture, men are not rewarded for being emotionally available, generally speaking. And gay men suffer the added pressure of being a marginalized group: their development from boyhood to manhood is deeply complicated by their sexual orientation. You have to be tough to be gay. And so when it comes to dating, co-habitating, and cultivating a relationship, it makes a lot of common sense that gay men are slow to open up.
But is it this simple? And if it is, are their ways you think we can work on it? In addition to my ideas, I plan on consulting this gay man, and also this one. (Though I expect I won’t agree with everything the latter one says.) And I very much want to include the voices of those who are not themselves gay, or male.
We don’t need to discover a set of answers. We may find that the dialog opens up our consciousness on the issue and enlightens us in ways we can’t fully articulate. But I hope we can have this discussion, and above all I hope all people—especially my fellow gay men—can find the deep and nourishing and thrilling intimacy that all humans so deeply need.
If you’re interested in contributing to the discussion, please comment below or email me directly at stephen[at]stephencrippen.com.
April 23rd, 2010 at 1:23 pm
I’m not sure if this is what you were looking for in a conversation, and I hope I’m not intruding into a space that is not mine, but I had one thought: as a lesbian, intimacy can be hard for me because I fear rejection from my partner. I have faced much rejection, from myself and others, because of my sexual orientation. It has been hard to find a meaningful relationship. If I am truly intimate with my partner, I am honest (as much as I can be) about myself, my thoughts, my feelings. That leaves me in a vulnerable position in which my instincts tell me I ought to protect myself. To finally have an opportunity for authenticity, and then to have my authentic self (possibly) rejected would hurt far more than rejection from people with whom I am not so intimate. Knowing that, it is easier to be distant. There are times when I can almost watch myself pass up, dodge, or outright refuse opportunities for intimacy.
**Stephen: I am not sure if this is what you meant by a conversation. I apologize if this is in any way unwelcome participation.**
April 23rd, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Hello – this is totally appropriate. I would love to talk to people from all kinds of orientations and backgrounds. Your thoughts are interesting. I think fear is a major (the major?) barrier to intimacy for most people, and there are different layers of fear in the dynamic of a same-sex couple living in a homophobic culture and fighting their own gender socialization. Thanks for joining the discussion!
May 21st, 2010 at 9:02 am
I have so many dear friends who are firmly on the GLBT spectrum, and what I have sometimes noticed and struggled with is the degree to which these friends sometimes suffer a double whammy. Dealing with the punishment that comes from opting out of traditionally accepted love relationships but also (ironically) embracing some of the (in my opinion) worst aspects of traditional love relationships. Weird, huh? Example: still trying to fit into a white picket fence extended family structure, even while that extended family is not accepting. Probably, I am just projecting my own desire for liberation from these traditional structures. No more green whipped cream salad, damn it!
June 11th, 2010 at 7:25 am
J, thanks for this! It can be hard for GLBT couples to balance the pressure to life fully their identities alongside the pressure (and desire) to participate in the dominant heterosexual culture. My partner and I enjoy a lifestyle that is pretty ordinary and domestic, while still being exciting and fulfilling…and we have many straight friends. But not everyone works this out so easily.