The road not taken
I often work with people who regret the choices they’ve made. They ruminate about the “road not taken,” the gifts and benefits they might have received if only they had chosen a different path of life. Here’s a simple technique to work through this dilemma.
Imagine that you live in one universe among many, and that there are multiple versions of you existing in other parallel universes. (This sounds like sci-fi, but bear with me!) In this universe, you have chosen (let’s say) to live in Seattle, to pursue a career in one particular field, and to rebuff the advances of several people who wanted to have romantic relationships with you. And…you feel resentful and sad. You wonder what your life would have been like if you had stayed back east, or if you had pursued a very different career, or if you had decided to commit to someone from your past. You wonder if you would be happier if you had taken a different road in your life.
Now, imagine this: someone who looks and sounds like you–someone who really is you–has made different choices in a parallel universe. And you know what? S/he really is happy. The choices really work for him (or her). And yet—and yet—it’s not that simple. Can you imagine that a person in a parallel universe who bears your name and looks and sounds like you might be happy, but also have a few regrets? Here’s what I mean:
Over the past fifteen years, if I had chosen differently, I would be living in Minneapolis, I would most likely be single, and I might even be an adoptive parent of a young child. But my choices have brought me to Seattle, and into a long-term relationship, and into a life and lifestyle that most likely won’t lead to the adoption of children. Should I feel regret? Have I chosen the wrong path? I don’t think so. When I reflect on the “Stephen” who lives in my imaginary parallel universe—the one who stayed in the Midwest and adopted a child—I can see how he might have problems, and worries, and difficulties that don’t trouble me in my own circumstances. I can see that whatever choices I might have made in my life, I would have brought upon myself some combination of pain and joy, suffering and satisfaction.
Bottom line: if you feel regret, angst, or even despair about the current circumstances of your life, it might help to reflect on the probability that no matter what choice you make, that choice will lead to good things, and also a few serious challenges. There is no path of life that can guarantee your contentment and happiness. And—there is no path of life that does not offer you a glimpse of wisdom, insight, and beauty.
So…jump in!
