Why do people go to counseling? Sometimes I try to answer this question from a philosophical perspective. And I don’t mean ‘philosophical’ as a synonym for thoughtful, or reflective. No, I mean Philosophy 101: the meaning of existence, the meaning of being human, the meaning of suffering. What is counseling supposed to do about our suffering? The automatic, reflexive answer is, “Duh, it’s supposed to make it stop!”

But is that true? Here’s what I mean. (And if it starts to sound tedious, hang in there. I promise there’s a good ending!)

Let’s say you just suffered the death of someone you love. You’re in grief. You’re deeply sad. You feel bereft. You feel upside down. You wonder if your life has any meaning. One person I know put it this way–that it’s like you’re driving on the wrong side of the road. So you decide to go to counseling, and your therapist helps you make sense of the situation, express your grief, find deep meaning in the experience, say goodbye to your friend, move forward in your life. You might still feel a little shaken and unsteady, but you’re better, stronger. Sounds good.

The problem is, grief isn’t that tidy. My mother died more than twelve years ago, and most days I don’t feel strong feelings, but every once in a while it feels as if it just happened. And other times I draw new meaning from her life, and from her death. Or the reverse happens: I feel confused and mystified all over again. Now, what was I supposed to think about this loss??

In other words, grief is not teleological. It doesn’t fit into a tidy box. So beware the therapist who tries to sell you this box! Grief–like all kinds of suffering–can be dealt with, released, and even partially understood, but there is always some small (or large) part of the experience that defies our best interpretations.

So, back to my original question: if grief and all other suffering is messy, always somewhat beyond our grasp, then what is the purpose of counseling? Here are a couple of my answers:

First, counseling is a place to come inside and lay down your burdens for a while. You might suspect that your friends don’t want to hear your story anymore, or you might have dark thoughts and feelings that you need to keep in confidence, but can’t bear to keep to yourself. Or you just want to cry it out. There is tremendous power simply in being heard, being held in a supportive and confidential environment. Even if you don’t make complete sense of your experience, this helps you.

Second, counseling is a place to practice tolerating the ambiguity and mystery of life, and suffering, and growth. I won’t have all the answers that help you put your mother’s death–or your painful breakup, or your career crisis–into perfect perspective, a tidy box. To do that would be to minimize your problem, your love, your whole self. It would turn you into a flat, square, made-for-TV character instead of the complex, mysterious human being you really are. But I can help you build your tolerance of these things, even help you find deeper satisfaction in your life–the satisfaction that comes from a life in which you let go of the need for a neat, “teleological” answer in favor of a life that is open to mystery.

And by ‘mystery’ I don’t mean a ‘whodunit’ kind of mystery. Whatever it is that brings you to counseling, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of experience or situation that is inviting you to be open, to be open to something larger–and yes, more frightening–than yourself.

Will you feel better? Yes. Will you have all the answers? Never. But you will delve more deeply into the richness and beauty and mystery of your own life.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 18th, 2009 at 11:29 pm and is filed under Being Your Best Self, Feeling Mad, Sad, or Afraid. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.