Two illusions
If you’ve just experienced a breakup and you can’t get past your feelings of sadness, loneliness, and low self-esteem, you might want to think about two illusions most people have. If you see them as illusions, it might help you feel a little better about your situation and move forward in your life.
The first illusion is this: when people are in a relationship, they have the illusion of not being alone. I’m in a relationship, so I’m set, right?! There’s someone sleeping next to me, or going on trips with me, or making a home and a life with me, and so I’m not single, I’m not on my own, I’m not alone. But–you are alone, in certain important ways. You’re still responsible for your own behavior, your own happiness, your own daily rhythm of life and work. Your partner can’t live your life for you. Though you are with someone, whether it’s dating them or living in a partnership or marriage of many years, you’re still an individual. Your relationship doesn’t protect you from the bumps and bruises of life as an individual.
The second illusion is this: when people lose a relationship, they have the illusion of being alone. It’s understandable, of course. You’re living alone–and maybe you had to leave the home you shared with your ex! You’re sleeping alone–or if not, you’re sleeping with new sexual partners, and sometimes that can feel pretty lonely in the immediate aftermath of a relationship. You’re “picking up the pieces” of your life by yourself. But…you still have the ability to connect with friends, family, co-workers, whatever and whoever it is you call community, to sustain and strengthen you during this time. If you feel lonesome, again, it’s understandable. And your existential condition of being an individual human being hasn’t changed. But you can connect with others. Even if you don’t feel like it, make the connections. Say yes to the holiday party you think you can’t go to without your ex-partner. Say yes to walks or coffee with friends. Say yes to brand-new activities that get you out of your head, out of your emotional darkness.
Bottom line: whether we’re in a relationship or not, we are alone and not alone. And whether we’re in a relationship or not, we have more power to change and improve our thoughts and feelings than we might think.
