I posted on this late last year, but it keeps coming up in my work with clients, so I think it’s worth posting again. How do you really clear the air in your relationships? How do you talk to others in a healthy way, particularly when tempers are short?

This technique was developed by Gaelen Billingsley, another great therapist in Seattle. (I suppose someone might say it will hurt my business if I recommend someone else who does what I do, but hey, that’s how good she is!). It’s a method in which you state clearly three basic things:

1. Your feelings. Keep them simple, and take full ownership of them. I feel mad. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel frustrated. If you’re saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, a judgment, an assumption. Usually the word “like” is a clue that you’re expressing a thought, not a feeling.

2. Your thoughts. Again, take full ownership. “I think you don’t respect me because you said something I thought was insulting.” Did you notice that statement contains two thoughts? You think he doesn’t respect you, and you think so because he said something you thought was insulting. It helps to sort out your thoughts from your feelings because otherwise, how can the other person really respond to your problem? If you’re lost in your feelings and convinced the other person harmed you, you’re not in a position to listen to the other person’s perspective, let alone reconcile.

3. State clearly your request. “I just want you to hear me out. That’s all.” Or, “I want to know what you were really thinking about me when you said that.” “I would like us to talk this out. Can you help me?”

Finally, think about this: the other person may not honor your request. She might not want to talk. He might not want to tell you what he was really thinking. That’s disappointing, but it’s the other person’s right to respond in whatever way they choose. Thank them anyway for giving you time to state clearly your feelings and thoughts. And keep practicing this technique. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. It’s a new way of relating.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

This entry was posted on Friday, May 9th, 2008 at 10:06 am and is filed under Being Your Best Self, Couples, Nothin' but a Family Thing, Tools and Techniques. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.