Why is it always me??
Sometimes I wonder if I drive my clients crazy. I wonder this because I keep pushing them on one point in particular: that the suffering they’re experiencing has to do with a task or challenge of their own—that it is their problem, not their partner’s, or child’s, or co-workers.
This doesn’t always go over well.
For one thing, their partner, child, or co-worker presents some pretty bad behavior. And I don’t deny this. “Yes, he was acting childish,” I might say. “No, she wasn’t being reasonable.” “Yes, that’s inappropriate for someone to say in the workplace.” But then I ask this question: “How is your reaction to what they did problematic?” Maybe you’re getting caught up in the other person’s neuroses because you haven’t yet learned how to cultivate healthy detachment in your relationships. Or maybe you’re reacting to their anger, or their anxiety, in ways that you did when you were much younger…and you’re still struggling to learn how to get some healthy perspective. Or maybe they’re saying or doing something that touches a nerve in you, reminds you of your own neurotic stuff. (You don’t have neurotic stuff? Wow! Cause I do, and everyone I know does!)
I run the risk of sounding like a broken record because, to be honest, I’ve always found it valuable in my own personal work to focus on how my problem is my own, despite the crazy shit going on in the other person (to borrow a technical term).
So if you choose to work with me, I will challenge you in this way. But I can also tell you this: if you confront your problem as your problem, you will be pleasantly surprised by how much better you feel. You really will be a better person.
