Working with teenagers
This week I’m working as one of the trainers in an organizational-development training program for leaders of not-for-profit organizations. When the trainers got together last weekend, we went around the room and said what we do in our “day jobs.” I said that I’m a therapist who works with couples and individuals, and mentioned that I also work with teenagers and their parents on various problems, most notably substance abuse. I added that I found this work highly enjoyable.
Today one of the trainers asked me, “Why is it fun for you to work with teenagers, particularly teenagers who are smoking pot or abusing other drugs?” Aside from the possibility that I’m just weird that way, here’s my answer:
Teens and their parents are a great example of culture clash and its impact on relationships. If the parents (or sole parent) finds herself in a power struggle with her pot-smoking teenage son, I help them work on their relationship first, whether or not the teenager ends up giving up marijuana. If you’re a parent of a young adult, you know full well that there is precious little control you have over many decisions and choices your son or daughter makes. This is particularly true when we’re talking about marijuana, alcohol, and other drugs.
But you do have control (some control, that is) over your relationship with your children. If your teenager is smoking pot, failing classes, breaking curfew (what curfew?!), and generally driving you crazy, you can experiment with the following changes to your approach:
1. Take care of yourself, move at a walking pace, and try not to overreact to your child’s behavior.
2. Notice the behaviors and comments your child is offering–behaviors and comments you like–and respond to them gracefully. Don’t overdo it: teenagers tend to distrust and dislike compliments, even though they need plenty of validation from others; you’ll have to figure out how to support them “under the radar” so that they receive the praise without necessarily knowing they received it.
3. Be a visible part of the good experiences your child is having. Tie all rewards (allowance, privileges, etc.) to specific behaviors your son or daughter has done, and tell them about it. For example, you could say, “I’m giving you this part of your allowance because you came home by 11:00 last night,” or “I’m letting you go camping with your friends because you asked me so respectfully.” Make ordinary, ho-hum statements like this (avoid excessive enthusiasm!) and be consistent. Soon your child will understand that it pays to do what you want!
4. Get in touch with your “philosophy of parenting,” that is, your whole reason for being a parent in the first place. Take time to reflect on your motivations for playing this role, and how you can live out your motivations in your relationship with your child.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a good sample of the things I work on when parents and teenage men and women come in for counseling. We don’t always solve every problem, but improved relationships are incredibly powerful.
