Your friend’s advice is not about you
Have you ever gotten a good piece of advice from a friend? (Or a not-so-good piece?) Of course you have. We all have. “You shouldn’t go out with him,” the friend says. “You need to stand up to your mother.” “You should quit that job.” “Do yourself a favor–break up with her before it’s too late…”
Friends mean well. They want what’s best for you. Most of the time, when they give advice, they truly believe that they are acting in your best interest. And often enough their advice isn’t too bad. Most people have a fairly decent dose of common sense, so there’s no way that all advice is bad.
But I’m not concerned about how bad or good their advice is. My concern is that their advice is all about them. Here’s what I mean:
Advice: “You shouldn’t go out with him.”
Why it’s about your friend and not you: Maybe your friend just doesn’t like the guy. Maybe the guy reminds your friend of someone s/he knows, someone who was a nuisance, or a bad boyfriend. Or maybe your friend fears that your friendship with him/her will suffer if you get into a new relationship. Or maybe your friend actually doesn’t know for sure (or much care) whether you “should” go out with him, but s/he feels pressure to give you some sort of opinion, some sort of advice, so she picked this comment. Or maybe your friend thinks you can’t handle a relationship right now–never mind that you actually can. Or maybe your friend is just having a bad day… The list goes on. For one or many of these reasons, the advice is about your friend, not you.
So, what should you do? Should you take your friend’s advice? My (annoying) answer: well, sure, if that’s what you want. But think about this first: your reaction to your friend’s advice–and your decision about how to act on it–is all about you! So let’s go through this again:
Advice: “You shouldn’t go out with him.”
Your reaction: You decide not to go out with him, but you’re worried you missed an opportunity, and you find yourself feeling a little resentful of your friend.
Why your reaction is about you and not your friend: Maybe you’re in the habit of seeking the advice of others, even when you have a strong idea about what you want and know that it’s a good decision. Or maybe your wish to seize the opportunity is outweighed by your wish to make your friend happy, or avoid conflict with your friend. Maybe you believe you can’t handle conflict–never mind that you actually can. Whatever your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and assumptions are right now, they are yours, and they are driving your reaction to your friend’s advice, and your reaction to your reaction!
I hope you’re not confused at this point. The short version is this: when someone gives you advice, everything they say is a window into their own world, their own perpective, their own “stuff.” They may mean well–most people mean well most of the time–but their advice is still all about them. And your reaction–and how you feel about how you reacted–is all about you.
(And this goes for advice columnists too, by the way! 
)
