You’re in charge, part 2
I just posted on the idea that it’s important to take charge of your own life, to set and follow your own agenda, particularly when you’re trying to overcome bad habits or behaviors that diminish you or lower the quality of your own life. It’s easy (I think) for someone to respond by saying, “Well, that’s easier said than done. And what if I just need a little help sometimes?”
This is a good question, and it reminds me of a story told by Scott Miller, a well-known therapist, trainer, and author. He was working with several other therapists who were treating a client with a serious alcohol problem. Miller was hired to consult with the therapists about the case, and at one point he met with the client while the therapists watched from behind a one-way mirror.
The client told Miller that he (the client) felt like he should stop drinking for his mother’s sake. He knew that his mother was upset about his drinking problem, and he felt he could stop if he kept in mind what his mother thought was best. In Miller’s telling of the story, the therapists behind the mirror started getting restless. They didn’t like the idea that this client wasn’t changing for his own sake. The client was challenging their assumption that you can only change for the better when the change is something you want, for yourself. (After all, it says that in most of the self-help books, right?!)
But Miller saw it differently. He saw that for this man, change happens when he listens to the advice of others, particularly important people, and no one was more important to him than his mother. After Miller understood and supported this man’s view of his own problem, it was easier for the client to stay sober, attend A.A. meetings, and rebuild his life.
But doesn’t that fly in the face of what I said about taking charge of your own life? Well…not necessarily. Sure, you could see it as a problem. You could say that this man–like my client who felt he needed an external authority to control his behavior–this man felt he needed his mother to overcome his alcohol problem. You could see that as a weakness, a problem he needs to fix with therapy. You could say he’s letting the locus of control be outside of himself. He’s not in charge of his own life.
Or you could look at it this way: at this point in his life, this man cared about his mother’s happiness more than he cared about drinking alcohol. And yes, his mother’s happiness was closely tied to his own. Are they in an enmeshed relationship?? Oh, maybe. But the bottom line for this client was that he stopped drinking, and he maintained a close and positive relationship with his mother. He met his goals.
So I think we should look at this with a little bit of flexibility. I suppose the best-case scenario for my client–at least the best-case scenario according to me!–is that he take full command of his problem, that he not rely on a computer lockout or someone else’s login or some other technical trick to stop himself from doing what he doesn’t want to do. But at the same time, if my client is solving the problem in a way that works for him, and he’s also continuing to gain insight about himself, improve his life, and gain strength as a self-defining, self-confident human being, then what’s the harm in getting some help? What’s the harm in having the locus of control lie a little bit outside of you?
Commenter Jill’s story raises one possible harm: that if you let someone else control your problem, that might not be fair to the other person. It’s a good point! In the case of Scott Miller’s client, it wasn’t an issue. In other cases, it might be. So that’s why I encourage people to keep the locus of control within them whenever they can–with the understanding that there are times and situations when it’s okay (and maybe even preferable) to get a little help from a friend.
