You’re in charge
(Note: I have permission to tell this story! 
)
A little while ago, I was talking to a client, and he told me he attempted to change his computer settings so that it was harder for him to access porn on the Internet. He was concerned that if he didn’t find a way to control his behavior–a simple, effective method, and one that was outside of his own control–he might continue to be enslaved by the siren song of Internet porn.
But he ran into a problem. His computer sent him error messages when he tried to restrict his own Web access. It turns out that the computer wouldn’t let him restrict himself because he was an administrator. He was too high on the hierarchy of his own PC to set limits for himself that were out of his own control.
My client smiled, and laughed at himself. His own computer was telling him (more or less), “Hey! You! What are you trying to do?! Make me your parent? That won’t work! If you secretly want to look at porn, but you also don’t want to, then you’ll have to control yourself. You’ll have to take charge of the situation. Sorry!”
We talked about this in our session. We talked about the concept of “locus of control.” That’s a phrase straight out of Therapy Land, a phrase that doesn’t mean much to ordinary people who speak ordinary English! But the idea is this: if I’m upset about some problem in my life, and the locus of control is outside of me, far away from me, that means I’m basically powerless. I can’t improve my situation because I’m not taking control of my own circumstances, thoughts, and feelings. If I’m not in charge, then you–or someone else, or some bigger situation I’m caught up in–you or someone else will take control of me.
But if the locus of control is within me–if it’s really me who’s in charge, well, that’s different. I’m being the administrator in my own life. I’m aware of how hard this is–how hard it is to say no to the things I could do that would diminish me, or behaviors that don’t come from my best self. I keep practicing restraint and discretion. I keep working on holding the locus of control within myself. I keep breathing, meditating. My goal is to take charge of my own agenda. My goal is to state clearly where I want to go from here. My goal is to be the administrator in my own life.
Hard? Yes. It’s even harder than you might have imagined when you first started working on your relationship problems. But worth it? Yes. It’s worth it to stay in your closest relationships–stay engaged, stay open and available–while challenging yourself to stand up for what you really, truly want in your life.
Remember: whether you want to or not, whether you feel ready or not, you’re in charge!
(And you’ll do just fine!)
May 18th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I’m a firm believer in Locus of Control, and that while believing you have the ability to control everything (the topic of another article I’m sure), there are many folks out there who fail to control what they can and take responsibility for their own lives, decisions, and consequences.
Here’s a personal example. My elderly mother has always cut her own hair. For the past few years, she’s been living with me and I started cutting her hair (and my father’s too) But as the burden of care taking grew bigger, I found myself resenting the hair cuts.
So I made a decision, no more hair cuts. There are plenty of better qualified folks out there, and my mother’s not poor, so we’ll simply pay someone to cut her hair. My father was fine switching to a local barber, who did a much better job than I ever did.
But my mother’s a different story….
We got her hair cut 2 months ago by a professional. My mother, who is very shy, neglected to explain what she wanted to the stylist. And now, she wants me to cut her hair. But I refuse. And I say let’s get so and so to do it, and it’s “yes, but it’s too expensive” or “yes, but I’d rather you do it” or “yes, but she did a horrible job last time” etc.
And since she refuses to let another person cut her hair, and I refuse to cut it for her, the hair grows on. Longer and longer.
And she believes she has no control over this – but in reality, she has 100% control. She can do it herself, she can pay someone. This is her choice. She makes her choice, every single day, to continue to refuse to go to a stylist. Her choice. Her consequence.
She blames me for her growing hair. She puts the locus of control in my lap. But it’s in hers…and maybe when it gets to be pony tail length, she’ll decide to let me take her to a stylist. Or ask my dad to chop it off. Or try cutting it herself.
In the meantime, I keep telling myself it’s her decision, she’s in control, over and over.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
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