Here’s a personal example. My elderly mother has always cut her own hair. For the past few years, she’s been living with me and I started cutting her hair (and my father’s too) But as the burden of care taking grew bigger, I found myself resenting the hair cuts.

So I made a decision, no more hair cuts. There are plenty of better qualified folks out there, and my mother’s not poor, so we’ll simply pay someone to cut her hair. My father was fine switching to a local barber, who did a much better job than I ever did.

But my mother’s a different story….

We got her hair cut 2 months ago by a professional. My mother, who is very shy, neglected to explain what she wanted to the stylist. And now, she wants me to cut her hair. But I refuse. And I say let’s get so and so to do it, and it’s “yes, but it’s too expensive” or “yes, but I’d rather you do it” or “yes, but she did a horrible job last time” etc.

And since she refuses to let another person cut her hair, and I refuse to cut it for her, the hair grows on. Longer and longer.

And she believes she has no control over this - but in reality, she has 100% control. She can do it herself, she can pay someone. This is her choice. She makes her choice, every single day, to continue to refuse to go to a stylist. Her choice. Her consequence.

She blames me for her growing hair. She puts the locus of control in my lap. But it’s in hers…and maybe when it gets to be pony tail length, she’ll decide to let me take her to a stylist. Or ask my dad to chop it off. Or try cutting it herself.

In the meantime, I keep telling myself it’s her decision, she’s in control, over and over.