You’re out of your mind!
I’ve posted before about anger, and road rage. Now I have another source of information about it. It’s a lecture by Timothy Starkey, and it mentions what I learned from another therapist a few years ago: that when we’re enraged, our amygdala, which Starkey calls the “center of our primitive brain,” overrules the neocortex, which is the center of higher reasoning. We’re in fight/flight mode. Our brains are treating the current situation as an emergency.
But I like to say it this way: when the amygdala is in charge like this, with the neocortex “offline,” we are quite literally out of our minds. We are not of sound mind and judgment. Often couples will try to figure out how to change their pattern of fighting–and often their therapist tries to help them do just that–but what’s really needed is for everyone to have a way to chill out, take a break, and return to the discussion when the neocortex is back up and running.
And when I say chill out, I mean it. Chill out: go to the freezer, grab three or four ice cubes, and hold them in your hand. Let the painful cold grip you for a few moments. Notice how your mind is now focused on your cold hand, giving it a chance to come out of emergency mode and reboot the neocortex. Or fill a bowl with ice water, gently put your face in the water, and stay there for as long as you can, up to 30 seconds. (This is an idea from Marsha Linehan.) We experience all of our emotions physiologically–in our bodies. So if we change something in our bodies, such as temperature in a localized area of the body, we give our brains a chance to chill out.
One more thing about this: if you understand rage in this way, it can make it a lot easier for you to not take your partner’s rage personally. Your partner has temporarily lost his or her mind, that’s all! Seriously, this can be a way for you to self-soothe while your partner is going crazy, saying hurtful things, maybe even throwing things or banging doors. Tell yourself, “It’s okay, he’s just out of his mind right now. He’ll be back.”
We are always (I believe) more than our parts, more than the sum of our brain systems and body temperatures. But these techniques–and this way of understanding powerful negative emotions–can help us get some perspective when we need it most.
