Another Gottman tip
September 2nd, 2010Couples, don’t miss this post in my other blog.
A moving essay about love and (gay) marriage
August 17th, 2010I encourage you to read this response by Andrew Sullivan to New York Times columnist Ross Douthat’s essay on heterosexual monogamy. (And if you want some background about my own views, I’ve posted before about monogamy.) I’ve long agreed with Sullivan that supporting gay/lesbian couples who marry is a powerful way to encourage monogamy (and, better yet, overall relationship health) for all couples. Ross Douthat is one of a dwindling number of thoughtful, moderate-conservative voices in our public discourse, and his essay is interesting. But Sullivan identifies the flaws in Douthat’s arguments, all the while showing the reader (through the wedding-day photos of him, his husband, and their family) what a happy, committed relationship looks like. It’s well worth a read!
Breaking Up 101
August 2nd, 2010Most people assume that my job is to help people patch up their differences and have a happy relationship. Often enough I do that, and enjoy it. But other times my job is to help people break up. Couples counseling isn’t always about fixing relationships. Sometimes the fix—the best outcome—is the end of the relationship. This is often sad, and always painful, but it is sometimes the best option for a couple.
If you’re in that place with your partner, I would work with you on making your breakup the best it can be. I want you to break up in the healthiest way you can. Here are a few tips (with the caveats that this is not an exhaustive list, and not every couple will do everything on this list):
1. Seek support separately. You may have had a relationship in which you both assumed that your partner is your best friend, your biggest fan, a linchpin in your emotional support system. This may sound obvious, but it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to be that person for you. Be sure you have friends and family of your own to fall back on, and it also wouldn’t hurt to have an individual therapist for yourself to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings during this difficult time.
2. Keep up some level of civil dialogue, if possible. For some couples, this is not possible, or not advisable, or both. But if there is any amount of civility between the two of you, have a system—in writing, if necessary—of communication that allows the two of you to relate to each other as you move through the separation process.
3. But don’t use that dialogue to re-fight the old arguments. You’re probably breaking up because of—to borrow a legal term—irreconcilable differences. It would help to put those old fights into the coffin, alongside the deceased relationship. You probably still feel a sting of hurt or anger about something your partner said or did. You may feel righteously angry. But you’ve handled the problem by deciding to break up. Any continued fighting is a sign that you’re getting rid of the positive parts of the relationship but holding onto all the negative, hurtful parts. Why would you do that? It’s better to work with your individual therapist on ways you can make sense of the old arguments, put them to rest inside yourself, and move forward.
4. Consider either a trial separation or a trial non-separation. It’s okay to take the breakup in stages. What would it be like for one of you to get an extended-stay hotel room for 60 days, and just “try on” the breakup to see how it feels? You would have to set the rules carefully: how much contact (if any)? Who goes to the hotel? Do you want to split the time so that both of you are home with the kids (or pets) during the separation period? And how will you come together after 60 days to talk about it? A non-separation (a term coined by this author) works like this: rather than separating, you go through a trial period of staying together in a new way. No one is making any promises about whether they want this to continue after the 60 days, but for now you agree to work with a couples therapist to decide how you would live together differently. You might try the date-night plan you’ve always talked about but never done. You might try new ways of communicating, coached by your therapist. You might decide to have weekly “staff meetings” in which you sit down once a week to talk about the household, yourselves, and how it’s going. This is not necessarily an attempt to reconcile. You are both free to say “No, thanks” at the end of the trial period. It’s just an experiment to see if, in fact, breaking up is the best option. And you’d have the satisfaction of genuinely trying a different solution before arriving at the decision to break up. (That is, unless you find that this new way of life really works for both of you!)
5. Hire a mediator. Again, this may not work for some couples for whom conflict is too high for a mediator to be helpful. But it’s a good idea to hire one if you’re able to do so, and I recommend hiring an attorney who is also trained as a couple/family therapist, such as this provider.
6. Finally, something for you yourself to think about: you will get through this. At some point, it will all be done, and the dust will have settled. You’ll be single again, or you won’t, but you will arrive at a resolution of the problem. Right now, it’s a good idea to ask yourself this question: “I will get through this, one way or another. What do I want to look back on, and be proud of?” The purpose of this question is to get you thinking about the deeper, more personal goal you have as you move through this tough time. Don’t just try to get through it. Don’t just try to survive it. Use this painful time as a life event in which you learn something about yourself, develop a skill, or do something challenging that forces you to grow.
Oh—and I almost forgot. Self-care is essential. Try to eat well, drink lots of fluids (the non-alcoholic kind), and rest as well as you can. And here’s another self-soothing idea.
Happiness is great, but…
July 24th, 2010One of my close friends writes a great blog about her experience as a spouse and mother in a terrific little family of three. As the godfather of their daughter, I am delighted to have an orchestra-main-floor seat to watch them have adventures together! I encourage you to read her latest post, which discusses happiness—an emotion that can be hard to come by for parents.
I love happiness. Sometimes I think it’s my job to help people be happy, pure and simple. But my friend makes some great points: relationships—parent, spouse, friend—are not always about happiness. Sometimes they’re about your growth and development, which is usually painful. Other times, they’re about another person, so…your feelings and moods are not the point. Maybe all of this sounds obvious, but I know a lot of people who never question the assumption that their relationships are “supposed to make me happy.” Yes, they are…except when they aren’t!
The $64,000 question, part 2
July 8th, 2010I want to say more about my recommendation that you not over-focus on the question of whether or not to stay in your relationship. This is just another way to look at it, and to do this I’ll say a little bit about my own story:
A little over ten years ago, I started seeing someone. We moved through the usual stages or phases of an early relationship, with all the ups and downs you might expect, until in 2003 we, well, “tied the knot.” (Our marriage, alas, is not yet recognized by the state. But that’s another story.) Since 2003, we’ve continued to build our life together, making lots of decisions you’ll recognize in your own life and relationships: should we get a dog? (yes); should we get another dog? (yes); should we get another dog? (yes); should we have children? (no); should we live near either of our families in Arizona and Minnesota? (no)… and so on. This is life in a long-term committed relationship. And right now, as we close in on eleven years together and I prepare for my 40th birthday next month, I can tell you: I’m happy.
But—there have been some losses. Some of the decisions we made (and no, the list above is not exhaustive) didn’t go in the direction I wanted. Sometimes we’ve made decisions together that have led me to feel a deep pang of loss. “If I were on my own,” I’d tell myself, “I wouldn’t do this.” Often in my work with clients, people come to counseling bearing the wounds of these losses. Or they come with anticipatory anxiety about the losses they’ll suffer if they hook up with a person, or stay with a person.
And here’s my latest take on all of this. First, the losses you’ve suffered—and will suffer—are real, and they are painful. No question. I won’t insult you by trying to minimize what you’ll lose if you decide to go a certain way in your life, career, or relationship. You will lose something. And most often that loss will really sting. So… why do it? Here’s why (if you ask me). Whatever I’ve decided in my life—over the past ten years with my partner, and in the years before that—and whether or not I’ve been conscious of this, I have always wanted to be happy, to have delightful experiences, to join with another person in ecstatic union (sexual and otherwise), to laugh, to love, to be loved… in short, I’ve always wanted my life on this planet to be wonderful.
And now that I’m pushing 40 (and pushing it hard), I’m finding that whatever choices I make, whether they’re thought through and careful, whimsical and adventurous, or just plain stupid (!), I always have a shot at the happiness I want. If I had chosen differently ten years ago, six years ago, two years ago, or yesterday, I would not be with my partner right now, and that would have been a loss. Ten years ago, it would have been a lost opportunity. Yesterday or two years ago or six years ago, it would have been deeply sad and life-changing. But even then, I would have had a shot at the happiness I want, just as much as I do now, with my partner but without some of the things I’ve lost along the way while deciding to be with this one person.
So… it all comes down to this: if you’re deeply torn about what to do because you know that either choice is going to be painful, can you also see that, no matter what choice you make (even if it’s a, well, bonehead stupid one!), you can still find the happiness you want? After all, you’ll always have yourself, no matter what you choose. And you have a lot of say in what you do with yourself, no matter where you choose to take your life, and no matter where life takes you.
Does this open up the topic and clarify things a bit more? If not, I’d love to hear your comments and questions.
Don’t worry about the $64,000 question
July 1st, 2010Most couples begin their couples counseling work by asking the question, “Should we stay together?” Sometimes only one of them is fixated on this question, but most often it’s on both of their minds. “Can I stay if I can’t trust him?” “If I don’t feel love for her, should I stay with her?” “If he doesn’t love me, should we break up?” These are examples of the same ’should-we-stay-or-should-we-go’ question.
And here’s what I recommend: don’t ask that question…yet. There will be time for it down the road. If you’re thinking about couples counseling, ask one of these questions first:
1. What do I need to do to be a healthier and more functional partner?
2. What is my ‘gripe’ about my spouse, and how can I articulate it to him/her so that my true concern is spoken and heard?
3. What is my vision for my relationship? Can I articulate that vision to myself, and also my partner?
4. What do I need to do as a next step in my own development as a mature adult?
These are just a few examples of questions I often encourage my clients to ask themselves. They’re a lot more complex—and, I think, rewarding—than the “Should I stay or should I go?” question. And if you’re working on these questions, you’ll find that whatever happens to your partnership/marriage—whether or not you stay together—you’ll come through it with a lot more insight about yourself, and a lot more tools to help yourself in whatever situation awaits you, whether it’s a restored relationship with your partner, a brand-new relationship with someone else, or a new life as a single person.
So if you’re not sure what will happen to your relationship, don’t worry. That’s not the most important question. We have a lot of other things to discuss first!
Al and Tipper Gore
June 4th, 2010I was saddened to hear that Al and Tipper Gore are separating, and at the same time I was intrigued by the nationwide reaction. Lots of people reacted as I did—”That’s sad!” we all cried out.
But is it?
Michelle Cottle, one of my favorite journalists, offered this take on the Gore separation. I like what she said. As upsetting as it might be for many of us who look to public figures to exemplify healthy marriages, it’s not all that hard to see how this separation makes good sense for this particular couple, and need not be seen as evidence that marriage in general is in trouble. My partner and I have been together for ten years, and if I have my way, we’ll be toasting each other at our fiftieth in 2049, with hopes for another 20 years of love and happiness. (He’s a really great guy.) But some couples follow a different path. Notice Michelle’s comment about the “unblinking” public eye that gazed upon the Gores for so long. Could your marriage survive that? Maybe. But it makes sense if Al and Tipper found themselves at an impasse, even though they’ve been together for so long. (Or…because they’ve been together for so long…)
If you’re a curious, courageous soul who loves your spouse and hopes to enjoy a lifelong marriage, you won’t necessarily suffer the fate of Al and Tipper. Anything is possible, but conscious intent is powerful. If you’re worried or saddened by the Gores’ story, take some time to talk to your spouse. Find out whether s/he feels you’re both doing okay. Try to be flexible, open, and daring as the two of you learn from the experiences of other couples and plan a bright future together.
To listen well, you must see well
May 15th, 2010Lots of people assume that listening is an important relationship skill, and they’re right. It is. But most of the time people think of listening in the traditional, narrow way: I listen well when I pay close attention to what another person is saying, and understand what they’re saying.
But truly good listening is more than that. Truly listening well to another person involves seeing the world through their eyes. This doesn’t mean you agree with them: your position on abortion, for example, might be different than mine. But if I can see your position on abortion through your eyes—that is, with an awareness of your unique perspective—then I can understand your position much better. You may have had an upsetting experience that shaped your views on abortion, or you may have been raised by a family that was grounded in a certain political or religious culture. I will understand you better—and truly listen to you—if I can see the world through that family ‘lens.’
Another good example is this: I strongly disagree with people who condemn homosexuality. I see their position as homophobic and harmful. And yet, even though I would never agree with them, I would do well to try to understand the bigger picture behind their opposing view. Some people are anti-gay, and yet they also are persons of conscience who genuinely want to be ethical and good. Can I see the world through their eyes? Can I see how their views on sexual orientation emerge from their own history, culture, and conscious discernment? Again, I need not agree with them. But if I can listen to them this deeply, I can open up a dialogue that can be healthy and enlightening for both of us.
I posted this in my Couples blog because it’s such a fundamental dimension of life in a relationship. Are you truly listening to your partner, whether or not you agree with her? Can you see the world through his eyes? What do you imagine it’s like to be your partner, to live in your partner’s body, to think with your partner’s mind, and to live with your partner’s personal history? If you can listen to your partner in this way, you are much more likely to cultivate a happy and nourishing life together.
To have and to hold
April 12th, 2010I’ve been reflecting a lot in recent weeks about the experience of holding–holding someone (literally and/or emotionally), and allowing oneself to be held. Why is this so hard for so many of us?
It was the genius Erik Erikson who talked about that line from the traditional wedding vow–”to have and to hold”–and how it expresses a fundamental task of human development. In his writings, which were among the first building blocks of what’s now called ‘Object Relations’ theory, Erikson reflected on the human need to have and hold things–and to have and hold people. As a human being moves through the stages of life, two basic experiences are repeated again and again: saying ‘yes’ to others (having and holding), and saying ‘no’ to others (separating and rejecting). Both are essential.
(Do you wonder why the ability to separate and reject is essential? Think about what you should be able to do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship.)
Often, in my work with couples, I see people strugging to hold the other person, even if the ‘holding’ in question is simply being emotionally present while the other person is expressing herself. And I see people struggling to allow themselves to be held. “I’m fine,” someone will say, brushing away tears and dropping eye contact. “No you’re not,” I sometimes say. And I (gently!) add, “You know you’re not. I know you’re not. Why do you think I have Kleenex in my office?!”
If you and your partner are going through a rough time–and even if tempers are high and trust is low–what would it be like for one of you to work on your holding skills? What would it be like to experiment with being more emotionally present to your partner, even if your partner has not earned your trust? It would be hard, I can tell you. But it would be a powerful way for you to grow and develop as a human being: even in situations where you’re not feeling safe, you’re better able to be more fully present, both to yourself and to the other person. And sometimes you may discover that the other person is actually not as frightening or untrustworthy as you thought: when you get better at holding and being held, the other person might notice this going on in you, begin to relax, and engage with you with more understanding, compassion, and honesty.
Will you see just one of us?
March 26th, 2010I get this question from many couples.
Quick answer: I don’t know. But I’ll think about it, and we can talk about it.
I was trained to assume that it’s usually not a good idea to see one person in a couple if we’re discussing couple issues. It’s tricky. If I’m not careful, I could end up colluding with the person in front of me against the other person. It’s not hard for me to see this when it’s happening, but it’s something I need to pay close attention to. And it’s always worth asking the question, why can’t you work on your own individual stuff when your partner is with you in the session? It’s common–it’s an everyday occurrence, even!–for couples to triangulate. You’re frustrated with your spouse, so you gripe to your friend about it. It happens all the time. But it can’t happen in couples therapy, unless you don’t mind that your relationship isn’t getting any better. And I do mind–I want both of you to get better.
Having said all that, there are times when meeting with one of you is helpful. Most of the time, when one person in a couple is feeling bad or behaving badly, the other is also dealing with some troubling feelings and behaviors. (Sorry. If you think your partner’s the only one who has issues, this is bad news!) But there are times when one person really is presenting a deeper need or a more troubling concern than the other person, and that issue might not even be about the relationship. Or there are times when safety is a concern, or one person is simply too mad to come today, but the other could pick up some insights or coaching for use in later encounters. Again, it’s tricky, but it’s not unheard of, and sometimes beneficial, to have at least one session that’s one-on-one.
But there need to be a few ground rules. First, if I begin working together with you as a couple,* I really don’t like keeping secrets between you (triangulation!), and I won’t keep a secret if it affects the well-being, dignity, or safety of the other person. If you’re having an affair and want to excuse your partner to talk with me alone about the affair–and you’re not interested in talking about how to bring your partner into the conversation–then we better not do that. I’d be delighted to help both of you work on an affair, and I know that there may be a period in that work when one of you doesn’t know about it, but I see both of you as my client. I can’t be your confidante and not his. I can’t be your listening post and not hers.
Let’s talk about it. There are exceptions to most rules, and there are times when a one-on-one session is not only a good idea, but essential for our couples work to move forward.
But let’s be careful.
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* If you begin working with me as an individual, sometimes we’ll talk about problems you’re having in a relationship, but in that case you aone are my client, and your partner is not. So we’d approach this question from the opposite direction: is it a good idea to bring your partner in? That’ll be a separate post in my “You” blog…stay tuned!
