A lot of people like to say, “Everything happens for a reason.” Maybe they’re talking about God–that a supreme being has a plan for the universe, so the awful thing I just experienced was supposed to happen. It was supposed to teach me a lesson, or make me more mature, or offer me some kind of wonderful, wise insight. Hm. I’m not a big fan of this line of thinking. I think that we live in a phenomenal world, and that ‘phenomenal’ cuts both ways: beautiful and awe-inspiring things happen in this world, but so do traumatic, devastating things. We live in a world ‘with the safeties off.’

Having said all that, I do think there’s something to the idea that we pick our partners for a reason. Most of the time we’re not conscious of the reason. I think one reason I picked my partner is that I need to improve my ability to be quiet for hours at a time (something at which my partner excels). And there are deeper reasons. You might pick your partner because s/he stretches you, or maybe because your partner is similar to you in a certain way–in a good way–and you want to reinforce that quality in yourself.

This perspective is most useful when you’re in a big fight with your partner, or you’re currently deeply unhappy with your partner. You may eventually choose to leave the relationship if you truly aren’t happy, or you may be searching for a way to transform the relationship, to respond to your unhappiness by working on it. Either way, it’s useful to ask yourself, “Why did I pick this person, this person who can be so exasperating, so infuriating, so upsetting?”

Maybe you unconsciously want to learn how to handle yourself better when an important person in your life is not cooperating with you. If so, then you picked your partner to give you the push-back you need to build this skill. Maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “Oh no, I married my mother!!” and it’s true: you picked someone who forces you to relate to others in a healthier way, because your mother may have been your first teacher, but she’s not your best one.

This is also a great way to bring your problem back to your own doorstep. Remember, as annoying and maddening as your partner can often be, s/he was not put on this earth to be your partner! And you freely chose to be in this relationship. The “Why did I pick my partner?” question is a great way to identify what you can do about your own frustration.

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Lots of couples go into counseling because they think they have communication problems. “We just talk past each other.” “We don’t talk at all.” “It didn’t used to be like this…we used to be able to work out our problems, but now we just fight.”

Though this sounds like you have communication problems, it might help to think of your problem differently. Try this: you actually communicate really well, you just don’t like what the other person is saying! “We just talk past each other” can be translated as, “When we hear what the other person is saying, we don’t like it, and we try to talk over it, change the subject, or shift the argument to our own advantage.” “We don’t talk at all” could be translated as, “We don’t have to use words anymore because we’re that good at communicating how upset we are!” “It didn’t used to be like this…now we just fight” could be translated as, “We’re done with diplomacy and are now communicating powerfully via open warfare.”

So if communication isn’t your problem, what is your problem? My hunch with most couples is that they are communicating just fine, but they still haven’t really wrestled with their real differences. For example, let’s say there’s a major disagreement about sex. (This is an issue that couples communicate about quite a lot, but mostly non-verbally!) One or both of you may have hurt feelings, unexpressed fears, embarrassing memories, intimacy issues, body issues, physiological problems, or any number of other concerns that affect your sex life, and the way forward is not necessarily learning how to communicate better, but rather to face those feelings, fears, issues, and problems yourself, and then (with courage!) re-engage with your partner. Chances are both of you are struggling with a number of these issues, and chances are you’re both aware of that on some level.

Here’s another way of saying it. You don’t necessarily have a communication problem–the two of you communicate quite efficiently, often enough without the need for words. But you do have a consciousness problem: you’re not very conscious or insightful about the storm of thoughts and feelings that’s swirling within you, and you’re (understandably) scared of this storm. Counseling helps you make sense of yourself, and then take healthy risks with yourself and your partner. And through all of this, you can be sure that you have most of the communication skills you need! What you’re really looking for, and building in your counseling work, is courage.

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From now on I’ll be posting here when I’m writing about couples, relationships, families, anything that involves you and yours. My original blog (now called “You”) focuses on the one-on-one relationship you have with yourself. For best results, read both!

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