Like everyone, I have my biases. And one of them is this: I have a problem with passivity. Here’s what I mean. If you’re in a relationship, chances are you (like most of us, including me) have a tendency to receive your relationship passively. You unconsciously think that your relationship is something that happens to you, not something you actively co-create with another person. If things are going well, you call yourself “lucky,” or you are thankful to your partner, or to the person who introduced you to your partner, for the gift of this good relationship. And if things aren’t going well, you are frustrated and feel like you’ve been dealt a bad hand.

If you think and feel this way, you’re not crazy. After all, relationships often feel out of our own personal control. You’re relating to another human being who can (and will) behave unpredictably, and independently. And most of us (including you and the person you love) act in our own self-interest more often than not. It’s no wonder we often feel out of control in our relationships!

But you might have more influence and control than you think. Please understand: I don’t equate passivity with creative accommodation. Sometimes it’s a great idea for you to actively, consciously choose to go along with your partner’s decisions and choices in the relationship. Maybe s/he has an idea about your next vacation, or your next sexual adventure, or your next home-repair project, and you think to yourself, that’s not what I would have decided, but you know, I’m willing to go along with this. I’m open to my partner’s wisdom on this particular issue. That’s not passivity.

Passivity is the assumption (usually unconscious, but sometimes not) that your partner’s choices are law, or that you yourself have no choices. Passivity is the assumption that your relationship either can’t change, or won’t change without extreme suffering. Passivity sees your partner as someone who will remain the same, much to your own frustration. Passivity looks at relationships as experiences that are received–more like a movie you’re watching than a play in which you’re a lead actor.

If you catch yourself going passive in your relationship, I offer you a warning and a challenge. First, the warning: going passive can easily lead to going passive-aggressive! And the challenge: ask yourself whether you really can’t handle taking direct action in your relationship. Conscious action, creative action. Challenge yourself to “go active.”

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I should say first of all that I admire and respect Elizabeth Edwards. She’s bright, sensitive, reflective, and funny. That’s four gold stars in her favor! I’ve even blogged about her. But lately I’ve been concerned about her. In fact, I disagree with some of the things she has said (and written) of late. The newsmagazine Time recently published an excerpt of Edwards’s latest book, “Resilience,” and in the excerpt she was writing about her husband’s affair, her own cancer diagnosis, and all the emotional upheaval her marriage has endured. At one point she said that because of her cancer diagnosis, it was she, not he, who “needed a selfless partner.”

Whoa. Back up.

First, let me say this: John Edwards was behaving like a cad. According to the standards of his own marriage, he should not have slept with Rielle Hunter. He’s right to say that he was behaving like a narcissist, and he was betraying his wife. Not good. Seriously. But–and again, I like Elizabeth Edwards!–if you’ve just been diagnosed with cancer, that does not mean that you alone get to be the partner in your marriage who deserves a “selfless partner.” It’s reasonable for you to expect that your partner will not step out on you–and it makes perfect sense if you’re upset with your partner for doing just that–but even if you’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness, your marriage continues to unfold as a union of two full-grown adults, two people who have chosen to draw close to one another in a lasting bond of intimacy and commitment. This means that even though you’re sick, the ethics of your union call you to be mindful of your spouse’s needs, even if there’s nothing you can do–or should do–about them.

I know this might be hard to hear, but I should say that I write it as someone who knows a person who died of cancer. Though I haven’t dealt with terminal illness in my own committed relationship, I know a couple who dealt with this, and I’m here to tell you that it’s important that couples face these crises in this way. As poignant and upsetting as cancer can be, it does not excuse you from the ethical dimensions of your relationship.

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Recently I’ve been following an online discussion about Sonia Sotomayor, a federal judge who’s been mentioned as a possible Supreme Court nominee. Lately I’ve been learning more about culture, racism, and how cultural difference is dealt with in mainstream U.S. culture. Overall, it’s not a pretty picture. Americans in general don’t like differences. When we encounter someone who is different–culturally, ethnically, racially–or we think they’re different, we feel internal pressure to categorize that difference, and categorize that person.

In Sonia Sotomayor’s case, I read what many of her colleagues wrote about her temperament, and I wondered if they would be so critical if she were a White male and not a Latina. Would people call her “difficult,” “outspoken,” “excitable,” and “a terror on the bench”? I don’t know. I haven’t met her. But I have my doubts.

This led me to reflect more on the power of culture in relationships. Look at those words–difficult, outspoken, excitable, a terror–and ask yourself, do I think my partner is like that? And if so, have I automatically (even unconsciously) concluded that that’s bad? Or has it been the other way around? Does my partner think I’m difficult? Does s/he accuse me of being outspoken? And if so, why is that an accusation?

Almost every couple experiences a culture clash of one kind or another. Different religious backgrounds, or one of them has no religious background at all. Different racial or ethnic backgrounds. Different experiences of homophobia. One of them grew up in an abusive household. One of them was raped. One of them is an adult child of an alcoholic. One of them was an army brat who saw the world, and the other has never been more than 100 miles from home. One of them grew up in an affluent family, the other has experienced serious poverty. And so on…

If you are in a conflictual relationship, I’ll bet there’s at least some amount of culture clash going on. If so, I encourage you to notice whether one or both of you is pathologizing the other culture. Judge Sotomayor is outspoken? Okay…and why is that bad? Is it bad because it makes White attorneys who argue before her uncomfortable? Okay…and why is that bad?! Take care not to blame your discomfort on your partner’s cultural difference from you. If you avoid doing that, you have a much better chance of increasing the understanding–and harmony–in your relationship.

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