This is the best article I’ve seen so far in the Mark Sanford sex scandal. Wait, it’s not a sex scandal–it’s a love scandal. He truly loved Maria, the “other woman” in the story. And he stood tall in his disclosure of the affair, took full responsibility, and expressed genuine remorse. Does that mitigate what he did to his wife, and their marriage?

Yes and no. Sanford faced the cameras alone, told the whole truth about what happened, and neither vilified his lover nor humiliated his wife. By our current national political standards, Sanford was in a class by himself. His wife has filed for a trial separation, and though I don’t know either of them, I think it’s a safe guess that she’s not immediately seeking divorce in part because he has behaved honorably…at least for the last few days.

In the article I linked to above, Cristina Nehring writes, “Let us hope that Mark and his graceful wife (who to her credit, both initiated a trial separation, and allowed him to explain his affair to the world alone, without holding his hand as though she was a babysitter who had reclaimed her charge) can put things together again in a new, imaginative, and electric way.”

I share that hope. The fact that Sanford truly loved his ‘mistress’* might make it both easier and harder to reconcile with his wife and have a new, “electric” marriage with her. Easier because in his confession of love, Sanford sounded like an emotionally aware, thoughtful man who did finally face up to what he had done. He’s not a misbehaving boy who forces his wife to play the thankless role of jilted babysitter. And it might be harder because this truly was the flowering of a new, loving relationship, and no doubt both Sanford and his wife will have a great deal to wrestle with. Sanford must not only make amends to her if he wants to rebuild his marriage (and, most likely, if he wants to look in the mirror without wincing). He will also have to discern with her whether they both want to build powerful intimacy and passion in a true marriage of love.

Only men and women can do that kind of thing.

* I used the word ‘mistress’ here because I couldn’t think of a better moniker for ‘the other woman.’ But I dislike the word ‘mistress.’ To me it evokes outdated images of powerful men and their femmes fatales. If you have a better term for this, please let me know!

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Couples, I’m cross-posting this article about my role in our work together. When I get to the part about the referee, you might understand what I’m talking about!

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This month marks my eleventh year as a psychotherapist, and every time I reach an anniversary or milestone, I reflect on my work, and my profession. This year, I’m reflecting on the difficulty people face when they come to counseling and start grappling with the concept of ‘differentiation.’

If you don’t know what the word ‘differentiation’ means, don’t worry. It’s not my favorite word, and not the best way to describe the concept to which it refers. Here it is in English: differentiation is the ability to draw close to people you love without giving in to the pressure they put on you to change, while at the same time not being indifferent to them. Still confusing? How about this: differentiation is, in short, taking almost nothing personally. Your partner is mad at you? Differentiation means that you are not indifferent to that, but you’re also not getting all defensive. Your parent is trying to run your life, even though you’re in your 30’s? Differentiation means that you understand your parent’s motivations, and you’re standing your ground without cutting yourself off from your meddling parent.

Here’s the thing: the more I work with people on this concept, the more I come to realize how hard it is to learn and practice it. It seems like we’re just hard-wired to take things personally and be over-involved with each other. When someone criticizes us, we naturally get defensive. It just happens, and usually within a few seconds! So there are times in my work when it feels like I’m asking fish not to swim, or birds not to fly.

But even if it feels like that, it’s actually the opposite. To be undifferentiated is a lot like being frozen, stuck, mired in the mud. It’s a fish who can’t escape to open sea and swim gracefully with her school. It’s a bird who can’t take flight in a beautiful aerodynamic pattern with his flock.

So, I’ll keep at it. I’m enjoying my work very much these days, so I’ve got at least another eleven years (or 22, or 33) to help more people take flight.

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Lately I’ve been trying out a new way of helping people stop being reactive, resentful, and defensive when they see that their partner is not doing what they want, or being who they want their partner to be. It’s natural to feel this way when your partner does not show interest in the things you like to do, or just seems to be pulling away from you.

Let’s say you have a vision for yourself and your partner: you want a partner who travels with you, or tries new activities, or (to turn up the intensity a bit) has a particular sexual relationship with you. And you see that right now, your partner isn’t with you, isn’t saying “yes” to your vision. (Or is even saying “no,” and sharply!) Here’s my new metaphor for the problem. (Let me know what you think!) Imagine that you work in marketing for Starbucks, and you’re on a break, relaxing in a park, watching people come and go. And then you notice that someone just walked by with a Tully’s coffee cup. You’re responsible for marketing at Starbucks, and right here in front of you is a person choosing the other guy’s product. What would you do? It probably wouldn’t occur to you to be resentful. If you’re any good at your job, you know–and you accept–that many hundreds of thousands of people are not going to buy your product. You might be so put-together about this reality that you barely react at all to that Tully’s coffee cup.

But in personal relationships, it’s different. In personal relationships, it’s easy to get bent out of shape: my partner isn’t buying my “product”! If your product is a new habit of hiking on weekends, or a new practice of having a nice dinner at the table once a week, or a new sexual method–whatever your “product” is, your partner is resisting. Your partner is choosing Tully’s instead. If so, try to think like that Starbucks marketing manager. Try to detach yourself from your partner’s choices. Right now, your partner hasn’t said “yes” to your new idea. And if you’re feeling resentful, that means you skipped over the part where you remind yourself that your partner doesn’t need to say “yes” to anything. Your partner is a free, independent adult.

So if your partner is holding a Tully’s coffee cup, and you want to take the relationship in a Starbucks direction, ask yourself: am I excited enough about what I want us to do that I’m willing to push past my own resentment and “make the sale” with my partner? And if not–if I’m not that excited, not that motivated, not that willing to make the sale–then why does it surprise me that my partner is not buying it?

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